“So, sister, I’m going to give you one final chance to tell the full truth. I suggest you don’t muck it up.” -Klaus
Dahlia is Coming. That’s what they’ve been promoting all week. Of course Dahlia has been coming for a while now, this was just the week where they decided to use “Dahlia is Coming” as their main promotional material. So it begs the question? Did Dahlia actually come? Answer: No. Unless you count short flashback scenes. So, if you missed this episode, worry not, folks, you didn’t miss the Great Coming of Dahlia. She’s still coming, so you still have a chance to catch her arrival…one of these days.
Klaus & Freya F&F
Any chance of Freya being cool died…well…the day she was written in this show actually…but also tonight, when she finally coughs up the truth about her issues with Dahlia. Turns out all of Freya’s issues boils down to one thing which…wait for it…is a man! Yup, you heard that right, folks. The root of motivation for everything the new, powerful hot girl on the show has been doing is a man and a baby because what else could possibly drive a woman to action in this great big world right than a big hunky man right?
As for Klaus, he is becoming such a drag! All he does is shower his pessimism left and right and make decisions based on his negative outlook on life. Baby momma get’s a new hubby? Definitely coming to challenge his paternal position in his daughter’s life! Sister back from the dead? Nope, can’t trust her, she’s up to something! The little puppy he saw at the park? Psst…nothing in the world is that cute, definitely an evil creature in disguise! There’s a reason your life sucks, Klaus! It’s because you keep putting all that negativity out there! Haven’t you read The Secret?
Hayley & Poor Man’s Jon Snow F & F
This week, Hayley and Poor Man’s Jon Snow decide to head out back to Hillbilly Country to do some sparing, mostly because being a CW show, sex scenes have to be kept to a minimum, and pretending to block each other’s choreographed punches is the closest substitute they can find to sex. First, Jackson spars with Aiden-you know the Token Gay Werewolf who has that thing going on with Token Gay Vampire, Josh? Aiden spits at Jackson about how he’s not being a good alpha, and Jackson gets defensive and the two exchange some heated words—but really all of that is just some white noise that’s meant to distract us from the homoerotic subliminal message they threw in there to drive up the ratings. Next is Hayley’s turn, she spars with Jackson, and they talk about Aiden and Jackson’s capabilities to lead the pack—but really all of that is just some white noise that’s meant to distract us from how terrible of a mother she is. Seriously, Hayley! Even Lori Grimes is asking you where your kid is!
Cami & Vincent F & B
Is Leah Pipes the godmother of one of the producer’s first born or something? Because there is no other reason I can imagine that they are keeping Cami around. Seriously, they’ve gotten to the point where they’re just writing in scenes where somebody needs to see a shrink just so she could feel included. Recently, the latest victim of Cami’s illegitimate psychology practice is Vincent. After having Finn pulled out of his body, he woke up to find that a whole bunch of shit has gone down while he’s been possessed and he’s rightfully pretty screwed up about it. So of course, Marcel’s like, “Oh you need a shrink? I know someone—trust me, she’s great!” And Vincent just goes along with it and doesn’t even think to ask Cami for her credentials, because, you know, the dude’s had his body possessed by a crazy ex-vampire-witch with mommy issues for the last couple months, who’s he to be picky about his mental health care personnel?
Rebekah, Marcel & Elijah F, A & C
I’m going to withhold my comments on Discount Rebekah until they explain to me exactly why I should care about this whole Eva Sinclair thing.
As for Marcel, his beautiful white teeth continues to guide us in this darkness.
And finally, Elijah….oh dear, Elijah… he’s got his personality back, unfortunately, while his personality was on holiday, it didn’t think to bring Elijah home a brain. Elijah has known Freya for all of a day and already he’s ready to start sharing a room and go on a sibling-bonding camping trip and co-host Christmas dinner with his new found sis. Does it matter that his siblings are historically devious and dangerous? Nope. Does it matter that abusive Aunt Dahlia could very possibly have completely turned the poor girl against them? Absolutely not. In Elijah land, as long as he wears a nice suit and has a pretty face, he doesn’t need a brain.
Save My Soul C
It says a lot that an episode where the first half was spent with the main characters sitting around a dining room table narrating a backstory between shaky flashback scenes is not the worst episode to date, but there you go.
Extra Credit
- I like Vincent more when he’s not being Finn. He could be our new Token Black Guy Who Isn’t Evil, and hang out and be BFFs with Marcel!
Demerits
- Davina is hanging out in some dingy underground tunnel thing (I think it’s in the cemetery?), and apparently she’s been there for a while…I think we’re past the point where I should have given up hope that one of these days Davina will realize she’s 17 and NEEDS TO BE IN SCHOOL!
- Speaking of Davina, she’s the latest addition to Eva Sinclair’s Collection of Child Witches…and I’m still waiting to see why I should care about any of this.
- I know the big debate right now is whether or not Freya can be trusted, but seriously, does it even matter? Doesn’t whether a “bad guy” is truly bad on this show only come down to what’s convenient for the plot of the episode every week?
- Everybody’s worried about Hope getting kidnapped, and yet nobody is actually watching her. I’m telling you, anyone can kidnap that child, it doesn’t even takes skills, careful planning or magical powers, she’s completely up for grabs…she may even thank you for kidnapping her.