MY EYES!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! Pop quiz: which moment of this week's episode most required you to cover your eyes and scream like a kidnapped living baby doll?

a) Madame LaLaurie and the decapitated chicken.
b) Madame LaLaurie and the gardener's toes.
c) Cordelia's eyes
d) The Axeman in the boardroom

(the answer is E, all of the above). We open on the graveyard this week as the ladies bury Nan, who fell in the tub, amen. It occurs to Zoe that Nan probably knew how to take a bath without dying, so she heeds Myrtle's advice and boards a bus to Orlando with Kyle. Meanwhile, Fiona, Marie, and the Axeman slaughter the witch hunter leadership (a lesson for all of us: never bring a gun to an axe fight) while Madison skulks around the mansion, refusing to flush the toilet. But mass slaughter and gifts in the commode are just a sideshow to the inner world of the newly re-capitated Delphine LaLaurie: we witness her first kill in 1830 New Orleans, and learn that her Roots re-education didn't exactly take. She just HAS to kill black guys, y'all! It's in her nature! At least my reflexive Kathy-Bates-driven LaLaurie empathy isn't an issue anymore.

Fiona & Marie

 A & A

Well, that’s one way to handle your enemies: order a dirty martini and a Diet Sprite, and let your corporeal ghost boyfriend take them out. Can’t say they aren’t efficient.

Spalding

F Spalding is one sick butler. Still haunting the attic, he declines to intervene as Delphine disembowels the gardener, but jumps right in when he sees an opportunity to get a new doll. Turns out, it’s all a long con: he convinces Delphine to drug and bury Marie on the grounds that she doesn’t belong in the house. But it was really to get his hands on Marie’s kidnapped baby. Finally: his own living doll. Ew.

Delphine

F We learn some more of Delphine’s back story, and wouldn’t you know: she is the worst. We see her arrive in New Orleans in 1830, where she slaughters her first chicken, and then slaughters her first slave. It wasn’t just for the poultices and face-firming masques: murder is just in her soul. For some reason, Queenie chose to ignore this and piece a serial-killing racist back together with an off-screen spell, and then the rest of the household left her unattended with an African-American gardener. “I’ll get to the fingers later,” Delphine tells him, before snapping off his pinky toe. It was disturbing.

Cordelia

C+ 

Oh God, she stabbed out her own eyes. SHE STABBED OUT HER OWN EYES. Does she get an A for serious commitment, or an F for self-mutilation? I split the difference. FYI, this was the correct answer for the above multiple choice question. I just can't. Hope she gets that Second Sight back!

Extra Credit

• The specificity of the JAR reference is so perfect for Myrtle, despite being obscure as fuck. Most JAR pieces are bought and sold at auction, and I picture our redheaded friend gleefully using her powers to out-bid the hedge fund wives. Only Myrtle and Lee Radziwill can do him justice, after all.
• Zoe and Kyle’s expression as the bus took off – flushed excitement, followed by just a touch of “wait, now what?” It reminded me of The Graduate. Yes. An episode of American Horror Story. Reminded me of The Graduate. I’ll go away now.
• Finally, a tv show has justified my fear of Benadryl.

Demerits

• As an omnivore, I should be okay with this, but GAHHHH I did not need to see that chicken get LaLaurie-d.
• There’s no wrong answer here, but… is Gabourey Sidibe a good actor? And is “Turns out I have some new powers” an acceptable explanation for how she ROSE FROM THE DEAD? At least slap on some Misty Mud.
• The poor semi-sacrificial baby is now Spalding’s living doll. It’s heartbreaking.
• Poop soup.

“Hey Sanitation, let’s talk health insurance. Your dependents don’t have it anymore, have some illegal cheese!” –Ben Wyatt

The theme of the episode is clearly R-E-S-P-E-G-C. Ben desperately wants it from his employees, and Leslie refuses to give it to her her's. Don’t take that line out of context. Or do, I guess.

Leslie

C

Oh Leslie, you beautiful, talented, brilliant, powerful musk ox. I adore you. You are both the wind beneath my feminist wings and also, literally, the face on my key chain. But there is nothing I hate more than when you don’t have faith in your eternally loyal coworkers. Leslie, meet me at camera three: Girl, you realize these are the same people who saved your park fundraiser when Pawnee got hit by fake avian flu? And helped you set up the Harvest Festival that essentially bailed the Pawnee government out of bankruptcy? And acted as your free campaign team that got you VOTED INTO OFFICE? Not to mention just three episodes ago you were heavily leaning on Tom’s business and marketing expertise to save the Pawnee water supply from being turned into a Mecca for diabetics. I get that you feel left out and unneeded from having been out of the office for so long, but this panicky, bull-dozer version of Leslie has been done, and done, and done, and I’ve hated it each time.

But props on the Eiffel Tower shirt. You’re too adorable to stay mad at for any real length of time.

Ron

A+

Guys, Ron is totally content doling out sage life advice to Leslie without being coerced or immediately regretting it. Oh hey there, character development. Nice to see you’re still a major strength of this show. And that tag at the end is magical. Not only did Ron leave the state to bury the ashes of his ‘Employee of the Month’ plaque, he also has to cover his tracks straight up Balto-style.

Tom

A+Oh Tommy. I love laser shows and your velvet suit. I just want to turn you into a stuffed animal and watch Supernatural on the couch with your fuzzy, lifeless body. All of the A’s, you well-developed stuffed animal TV-show character.

Ben

A

It was such a smart choice of the writer’s to have Ben trying to play the part of both Chris and himself without Chris’s energy to back him up. And I LOVE that he’s terrible at pranks. Adam Scott drowning in sweat ushering everyone outside was a masterpiece. The idea of Donna & Co. trying to get Ben to unwind has been done (see Ben’s Batsuit purchase as proof), but it makes sense for him to be especially uptight in this new role, so I’ll forgive it.

I’m also going to go ahead and give Adam Scott an ‘A+’ for this week. Is there anyone on the planet who plays a better terrified nerd? (Spoiler alert: no. There isn’t.)

Donna, Andy & April

A, A & ADonna, as always, can do the most with the fewest lines. Or no lines. Her reaction shot when Andy said Ben was going to prank them is FLAWLESS. And of course April would love getting covered in fake blood. It’s also the only time I can imagine April taking an enthusiastic selfie.

Chris & Ann

B & B

Oh Chris and Ann. You are the deliciously tasty saltine cracker that Larry chokes on. Pretty tasty when you’re in a Fallout Shelter situation, but when there’s a smorgasbord of delicious characters like Ben, Donna and Ron to compete with, you immediately fall to the back of my pantry. But Chris does let Ann pee with the door open for important TV events, which is obviously a must on my dream-couple checklist. Just because the other characters got better storylines doesn’t mean I love you any less. B’s all around!

“New Beginnings” 

B-Any episode where Leslie can’t seem to trust her colleagues, who have proven time again that they deserve it, isn’t going to be my favorite. Then again, any episode where Ben has to be in a room with police officers is usually bound to be wonderful, so they evened each other out. Overall, Parks and Rec does an amazing job letting their characters grow and keeping them in character all at the same time, but this episode missed the mark for me.

Extra Credit

• The Barks and Recreation/Parks and Roocreation signs.
• Ben accidentally attempting to bribe the police then immediately surrendering.
• Ron sniffing out an elk hair. Okay, is this guy actually human Balto? He’s not, right? Pungent Beef Smoothies’ would make a great band name. CALLING IT.
• "That was a fantastic season finale. And a show that is LITERALLY a never-ending roller coaster of emotion.”
• Andy knows his place in the food chain: he’s Government, Jr.
• Also, please send me names of musicians like Uretha Franklin. That’s all I want in my life. 

Demerits

• The Knope/Wyatt clan seriously regressed this week. Get it together, kids.
• I need me some Craig. An hour of Craig. A full hour!

Best Jerry/Gary/Larry dig

• Even Chris gets one in. “That LITERALLY went on forever.”
• Jim O’Heir’s coughing nearly murdered me. It was too perfect. “No, I totally understand, I’ll just cough it out.”
• “What the hell is wrong with you, are you in a cult? I want to join and sacrifice Larry.”

Friendship is an interesting beast. We’ve all been at a party, when the conversation degrades from nice to Jenny’s a real bitch and nobody can stand Brett or don’t tell Jon but no one likes his Community recaps. You know really shitty, hurtful stuff. It’s a very real and very disappointing truth: you often say and do the worst things to and about the people you love the most.

Last nights Community is similar if not entirely the same. In a perfect goodbye to Pierce, he uses a study group polygraph (from beyond the grave) to pit his friends against each other once again. The result is the best episode of Community we’ve seen in this season. Everyone shines at being their worst: Abed is insane and devoid of emotion, Troy is a do-nothing goofball, Britta an over-zealous activist for nothing in particular, Jeff the epitome of that gross dude at every party, Shirley the bible beating right-winger and Annie the type A personality with a pension for pharmaceuticals.

The group’s lies and indiscretions snowball at ludicrous speed and before we know it we’re at the big reveal: If they finish the polygraph Pierce will bequeath his fortune to them. The group continues and in an even bigger twist the final questions are Pierce’s love letters to each and every one of them (well, except Abed).

I was at a party once and there was too much shit talking mixed with too much drinking but near the end a friend of mine decided to change directions. We played a game where we told each person in the circle what we loved about them. With the sweet nectar to ply us we poured our hearts out to each other, we said what we truly loved about each person (even the girl we just met). It was freeing, cathartic and of course I cried like a little girl, just like I did during Pierce’s final questions. Community, despite being over the top and ridiculous at times,  has managed to capture friendship in a way no other show can. It’s a show that knows its audience and loves them. I for one love it right back.

Jeff

AAs always with Jeff and Pierce there’s a lopsided power struggle. Jeff thinks he’s in control but somehow Pierce continues to derail him …even though he’s dead. It’s still fun to watch Jeff rebuke Pierce’s thoughts on his sexuality (gaymurderersaywhat?) and even better to watch Jeff actually learn a lesson from Pierce. They’re all flawed and no better than one another. The group is a sum of all their parts and maybe that’s what makes the friendship so strong. Well, that and the chance at millions of dollars.

When they finally decide to go for the dough, even though it’s in the name of greed, it’s still great to see the group working together and even better to see Jeff leading the charge. What Pierce was is debatable. What he did for the group isn’t: he made them all better, in this case like so many times before he pushes Jeff to lead and lead he does.

Annie

AAnnie’s is Pierce’s favorite (DUH) and when was handed her a tiara I was reminded of the only relationship Pierce had that could be described as sweet. Though most of Pierce’s questions for Annie were compliments he does reveal some of her dirtier deeds. As always every indiscretion Annie committed was easily explained away, she was just trying to HELP.  She doesn’t just want to be perfect she wants EVERYONE to be perfect. From helping Troy and Abed save by padding their rent to doping the group for a good grade, Annie’s never been more devious or adorable. In my personal opinion it’s a winning combination. (I’ll hold hands with you at Disneyland any day).

Abed

A

Abed devoid of emotion but somehow still in mooooouuuurrrrnnnniiing. He’s brutally honest about all the things he’s done which includes but is not limited to embedding tracking chips in every member of the group. Yeah, he’s weird but he still feels. I shared his shock when we learned his secret handshake was A HOAX and I very, very, truly felt his pain when he realized his best friend was leaving. WHY DO BEST FRIENDS HAVE TO LEAVE (TO PURSUE THEIR DREAMS IN LA)? I know it’s not coolcoolcool Abed and doesn’t get any better two years later (#EXPERIENCE) but you’ll soldier on, you have to because … Six seasons and a movie.

Britta

AAWWWWW. I love that after all the hating Pierce did on Britta it’s revealed how impressed he was by her. They are sort of funhouse style mirrors of each other. Always trying and failing with little to no support from their friends. When Pierce came to Britta’s rescue in ‘Herstory of Dance’ I know he saw himself in her. I know we are still supposed to think she’s the worst (but how can you after she admitted getting high in church?) but I kind of love Britta now. Here’s hoping she’ll focus her passion and we’ll see her do great things.

Shirley

AShe makes Britta eat meat, is even more passive aggressive than me (that’s saying something) and has penchant for calling the polygraph technician a bitch. Shirley’s always been about duality, the righteous Christian warrior who’s also an alcoholic that hooked up with Chang. She’s still figuring herself out and hopefully she takes Pierce’s words to heart: she’s a credit to not only her race and gender but the species as a whole. It’s true, the world and the study group are a better place because of Shirley Bennett. But not Meatfu …that is not right.

Troy
A

The heart of a hero? It’s true Troy has saved the day a number of times and laid it all on the line for his friends. Does that make the idea of losing Troy any easier? Absolutely not. When a group of this Magnitude (POPPOP) is assembled every piece is important. Troy is the heart. I don’t know what this means for the group or Abed. How does one function without their heart? Community will be the Tin-Man of sitcoms …unless Dan Harmon is really the Wizard they’ve been looking for.

Pierce
A

The perfect goodbye for the not so perfect character, I don’t think this show will ever be as good as it was when Pierce was at his worst. Rest in piece you racist son of a bitch.

Chang

FStill so unnecessary.

"Cooperative Polygraphy"

AAnother shining example of why Community works. It doesn’t have to try hard. I mean the entire episode (sans tag) took place in the study room. The cast barely left their seats but yet, we were still enthralled just watching them talk. Complex characters, relationships, a lexicon and mythology has deeply seated as LOST but still so relatable and somehow still hilarious. It’s the most perfect of shows … most of the time.

Extra Credit

• Troy: "I've never been to LegoLand. I just wanted you guys to think I was cool."
• Britta: "You told me a hawk stole them! You exploited me and made me believe in a slightly more magical world!"
• Annie: "Answer the question, Adrian Grody!"
• Abed: "If I had a final wish, I'd use it to stay alive."
• Troy: "Once you reach level 16, you can see the color blurple."
• Troy and Abed: "Troy and Abed are in mourning!"
  Jeff: "Will you guys please stop doing that?"
  Annie:"I can't believe you did it during your eulogy. SO UNCOMFORTABLE."
  Abed: "I don't think the audience got that we were singing "mourning" with a "u."
  Troy: "You were singing :"mourning" with a "u"? Oh no!"
• I MADE IT THROUGH THIS WHOLE RECAP WITHOUT A SEMEN JOKE.

“Sometimes what’s important is not who you’re siding with, but who you’re siding against.”

At long last, we’re covering The Originals! Yes, it’s midway through the season, but better late than never, and at least we’re hopping on this train right as shit is getting good! Last week, Davina tried to escape from the grips of Klaus and Marcel only to end in her crush being poisoned, and now this week it’s her turn to get the axe.

This episode is all about sacrifice, and when I say sacrifice I mean human sacrifice. Turns out Davina was never meant to keep the powers she acquired and she’s being forced to give it back in the grossest way possible — by vomiting out the four elements and bringing down a shit storm (no pun intended) of natural disasters down on all of New Orleans. The only solution to this problem, turns out, is to sacrifice Davina and finish the ritual she thought she had escaped from.

Who would have thought an episode that revolved around trying to complete a human sacrifice ritual that involves a sweet little girl would bring everyone closer together? Miraculously our team of wayward supernatural beings actually worked together for a change and were generally all on their best behavior, surprisingly even Klaus. So without further ado, let’s take a look at the grades!

Davina A

It’s been a rough two weeks for our little witch, but I don’t think we’ve seen the last of her yet. Still, I do think it’s time we give her storyline a rest for a bit. There’s only so much an all powerful little girl can offer a show, especially when it’s revealed that’s she actually a sweet, loveable little tulip. I remember the days when she seemed to be an evil little thing. I thought I would have loved hating her. Oh how wrong I was. RIP Davina… for now.

Klaus & Marcel A & A-

I love this soft side of Klaus, and him showing some paternal affection and warmth toward Marcel was just bringing on all kinds of warm and fuzzes! Klaus is always at his best when he’s demonstrating the kind of restraint and sophistication and wisdom that should have come with his age. As much as I love Klaus on The Vampire Diaries, I wasn’t too into the childish, crybaby we’ve been getting since, basically the start of this spin off. Tonight, I almost forgot why I was beginning to hate him.

As for Marcel, I just want to give him a big o’ bear hug after he lost Davina, but I’ll just settle for watching the Klaus/Marcel bro-embrace.

Rebekah A+

Rebekah is the blood of the dragon and The Iron Throne is rightfully hers. End of argument. I don’t know why her brothers, and basically everyone else, don’t give her more credit or love. She definitely deserves better than all the BS she’s been putting up with from all corners since day one of her first appearance on TVD. She’s the only one who can really take care of business in this town. If it weren’t for her, Klaus and Elijah never would have gotten Marcel to bring Davina out of hiding.

ElijahA

Usually I’d hate a goody two shoes of such epic proportions, but then I remember Elijah ripping out hearts and also, way back in TVD when he was the big, scary Original, breaking windows and shit and I move past that. His face helps too, I guess. Elijah spent most of this episode doing what Elijah does best, shooting his pheromones out at everyone and everything he stands within a 2 feet radius of. He has what I call “The Caroline Effect”, he seems to have chemistry with everyone and I mean EVERYONE. He merely exchanges a few simple words with Sabine and already I ship that (yes, I know the Sabine/Celeste situation, but I didn’t know it then!).

When Elijah wasn’t busy creating brand new ships that never even crossed our minds before for tumblr, he’s doing that other thing he does best: championing for family values; this week he’s doing this by proposing to use mom’s remains as a tool to save the world. He spends the rest of the episode brooding over a former love of his life, one wasn’t played by Nina Dobrev.

Sabine/Celeste F/A+

I liked Sabine, she seemed like a good confidant for Sophie and a witch who knew her stuff, but then it turns out, the girl’s been playing us this whole time. She’s secretly been Celeste for at least a year, and now she’s sucked all the power of the witches and is ready to wreck havoc on New Orleans! An F for Sabine for being a disappointment, but an A+ for Celeste for pulling a fast one over everyone.

Hayley F

I’m getting bored with Hayley. Her werewolf origin storyline bores me and when her plotline’s doesn’t revolve around that or around sending Elijah mixed signals, she’s pretty much useless to the overall plot of almost every episode. Yes, she’s pretty, but in a show where everyone, even the homeless beggar looks like they’ve just walked off a Victoria’s Secret runway, you’ve got to have something more to offer. And no, being vaguely pregnant when the plot development calls for it doesn’t count.

Tim’s Memory F

It’s tragic that the kid is dead, and had I done a recap for last week’s episode, Tim would have been on the honor roll. I’m all for respecting the dead and remembering them fondly, but come on, half of what Davina said about him were flat out lies! She say’s to Marcel something along the lines of Marcel’s best friend killing her best friend and then later on she credits Tim for contributing to her rich and fulfilling life. Really? Don’t get me wrong, I remember being sixteen and crushing on the cute boy in school, but come on! They were NOT best friends, and they definitely didn’t have enough of a relationship for her to refer to him as a reason she could die peacefully at such a young age. Yes, she liked him, and if circumstances were different the relationship might have blossomed to Stefan/Elena vomit inducing levels, but as it was, Tim was just a poor boy who caught the eyes of the wrong girl. In the two episodes we saw him in he was mostly baffled by her… when he wasn’t being used as a pawn by the people out to get her, let’s not pretend it was more than that. Not hating, just saying.

"Apres Moi, Le Deluge"A+

I love The Originals, like I never loved The Vampire Diaries, because unlike it’s parent show, this little spin off can deliver a fun, entertaining storyline that isn’t driven mainly on cliché romance tropes, teenage hormones drama, and rescuing Elena. Tonight’s episode proved all that with some real heavy-duty stuff! Damn, I had a full box of tissues when I started watching the episode. Taking a break from the usual backstabbing, mistrust and juvenile diabolical plans *cough, Klaus, cough*, everyone was at their best and I like how even our resident badasses, softened up and showed us their good, and dare I say, human side. Well down gang, A+ all around!

Extra Credit

• Elijah’s change of wardrobe has been a breath of fresh air. I didn’t mind the suits, but I’m loving his new, less uptight look.

Demerits

• Poor Sophie, all that fuss and no victory. I kind of wanted her niece to be resurrected…something tells me this isn’t over yet.
• Marcel kills two vampires, which means he broke his own rule.
• On the other hand, weren’t those vampires, like all vampires in New Orleans, Marcel’s men? I thought they were just pretending to follow Klaus, while still considering Marcel the true “king”? How’d they turn on him so quickly?
• Elijah tells Hayley that he’s only felt true love twice: one for Celeste, obviously and the second time, I think he was referring to Katharine, if we’re meant to take everything TVD offered us into consideration. If that’s the case, I’d like to remind our little stallion that he dropped Katharine like a hot potato the minute he heard Hayley’s got a bun in the oven…his brother’s bun I might add. So much for true love. 

Danny: "I don't need moral support. I need you to reset my hand because I'm going to break it when I punch my dad in the face."

Mindy & Danny
B+ & A

Mindy: "You couldn't swallow one sip of a different fizzy water?"

In case you didn't pick up the many hints last night, Mindy and Danny know each other pretty well at this point. Danny knows how Mindy doesn't like to smell her own breath on her phone, and Mindy knows to scare Danny when he gets the hiccups. They act like an old married couple, or at the very least, show the kind of intimacy with each other that might make a significant other rather uncomfortable. The point is they're close, so Mindy choosing Danny over a flailing attempt to reconcile with Cliff should have felt more seamless.

However you felt about the buildup to Mindy chasing after a semi-drunk Danny in the desert, Mindy comes through for Danny in his time of need. Meeting with his estranged father (hello, Cher's dad, I see you) is no picnic, but with Mindy's help, Danny is able to accept that his father really has changed for the better. After some father-son bonding (over Danny's prima ballerina days), Danny and Mindy finally catch a plane back to New York. Danny wears the sexiest glasses I've ever seen and helps Mindy construct an apology email to Cliff. It's perfection, as Danny utters the words that so delicately describe his growing feelings for Mindy, who is, of course, completely oblivious. Turbulence hits, Danny seizes the moment, and WHAM! Every kiss begins with fizzing water...

Morgan & Peter
B & B

Cliff: "Morgan, I've thought about, and I need to get Mindy back."
Morgan:"Yeah you do! Who am I speaking to?"
Peter:"You tap that, Cliff! You tap that into the sunset!"

I believe that Morgan and Peter got served a big ol' dish of karma this week, for sending those scandalous sexts to Cliff that ignited his relationship with Mindy. After being stuck in the bathroom listening to Cliff binge-listening to Jewel, these two lukewarm-hearted gentlemen decide to cheer him up. I like that despite their often offensive comments about Mindy, at the end of the day, these two are solidly Team Mindy. When they learn Cliff was the dumper, they split. There's not much else to say about this plotline, except that it gave us some of the funniest lines of the night... and some of the meanest, but again, par for the course.

"The Desert"
B+

Danny was on in the last five minutes of the episode last night. His words to Mindy were inspired, telling her how the right person for you is someone who makes you the best version of yourself. Foreshadowing... to two minutes later when Danny plants a big one on a sincerely surprised Mindy... and then gets the go-ahead to dive in for more.

For those wondering if this move is progressing the show too quickly, or attempting to follow in the successful footsteps of the Nick and Jess love story in New Girl, whelp, only time will tell! What we're left to ponder until April 1 is who Mindy will chose: a love-sick Cliff whose sweeping return will no doubt register as highly romantic in Mindy's eyes, or the spontaneous and sweeping gesture of love from the obviously superior Danny?

April 1 could not come sooner. Also, if this turns out to be some kind of April Fool's joke, we revolt!

Extra Credit

• Mindy makes Danny sing The Hunger Games theme song so she knows he's still alive.
• Mindy believes that a person's ID should be aspirational. Right. Because I aspire to be 5'3.
• Morgan: "I got a carton of kittens back home that thinks I'm their mom. I'm their dad."
• Danny, the ballerina... explains a lot...
  

Demerits

• There were a few outlandish elements to this episode: how did Danny and Mindy find each other in the desert, in the dark? Why were Morgan and Peter already back in L.A., like, way before Mindy misses her first flight? Are we just breezing through Danny's sister's name being Danny, as well? No comment, Mindy? None?

Remember last week when B99 won a TON of Golden Globes. Oh man, those were the days. This week we had to settle for a little less glory but a lot of laughs thanks to a vigorous game of "Wife or Dog?" with Skully. Plus, we learned a new word, "Gym-fultrating." So my challenge to you, watchers of B99, is to 1. play a game of "Wife or Dog" this week with a co-worker you barely know and 2. gym-filtrate the shit out a of gym. 

Det. Jake Peralta, Det. Charles Boyle & Sarge  

B+, B+ & B+

"He is so strong but so gentle. He's like a muscular Ellen Degeneres."

Guess who isn't afraid of being in the field anymore? Sarge! Guess who is afraid for him? Jake! Guess who would make a terrific gym manager? Boyle! As these three tried to work together to take down a steroid ring, they also ass-backwardsly worked together to get Sarge back into the field. Ass-backwards because instead of talking about it Jake, like always, fucked up the entire gym-fultartion trying to protect Sarge instead of just being open about it. I like the sensitive side to Jake that we've been seeing more and more of. Of course, it's always fun to see huge buff Sarge play with his adorbz twin daughters, Cagney & Lacey. 

Det. Amy Santiago & Det. Rosa Diaz 

A & A

"What kind of woman doesn't have an ax?"

I heart Amy and Rosa. And I heard them even harder when they are teamed up as partners. (BTW, I don't understand how this precinct works. Do they have partners? Seems like they are always switching and this is something I should know by now, but I still am confused. Help.) Okay, back to Amy and Rosa. They're just a great combo of tough-crazy and anal-crazy. They remind me how great this show is at having characters that are incredibly distinct with a world view that albeit it extreme and weird never wavers no matter what waters they are placed in. 

Gina & Capt. Holt

 A & B+

"Your assistant is a Goblin." 

Truer words never spoken. Gina is the greatest Goblin on TV. This episode was sweet because we were able to see a tender side of Gina even though Capt. Holt had to show it to us. Plus we found out what kind of weird ass garbage she values like: tons of lycra bodysuits, eight drawers of underwear, a set of Joseph Gordon Levitt nesting dolls (hand made), and lock of Mario Lopez's hair. 

"The Ebony Falcon" 

 B+It was great to see Sarge, the Ebony Falcon, transform into a glorious Ebony Antelope with the help of Jake and Charles. But it was more fun to see Rosa, Amy and Capt. Holt chip away some of the weirdness to find a sensitive lady in Gina. Look you guys, they are cops AND they are friends who care about each other! #emotions!

Demerits

• I wish they were better at being cops. For real. Why were they openly talking about an undercover operation that they had just gym-fultrated AT THE GYM? EVERYWHERE!? Come on guys! Be actual cops once in a while. That might be cool to see. 

Extra Credit

• Leo Sporm, Private Investigator, wondering who Picasso was when called, "The Picasso of Hucksters."
• Boyle's a sucker for a high five. Confession, SO AM I. 
• Finally, someone admitted that chest pumping HURTS! I knew it. 

"She wants an orgasmic water birth. It’s when she busts a nut as the baby comes out."

Forget everything you think you know (if anything) about natural child birth because everyone’s three favorite man-children have you covered. In the season four premiere there was a little bit of everything including an Electronic Dance Music festival, some Molly laced water/strawberry soda mixture, a dude meeting in a moving car with a lady in labor riding shotgun, and a trip to the YMCA. Oh, and the whole Montez and his wife Colleen having a baby.

It was a decent episode but a little unhilarious for a premiere and here’s why.

Blake, Adam & Anders 

C+, C+ & C+For being the stars of the show they all seemed to take a back seat this week to Montez and Colleen. They had their typical banter that was amusing but nothing that made me LOL. After three full seasons (they’re currently on contract through a fifth season) I’m starting to wonder if they've lost some of the magic that's made this show the cult-classic that it’s alleged to be.

Montez

A He had the most memorable quote of the episode (see top of post) and I liked seeing him more front and center for a change. Sometimes with a comedic series secondary characters become very two-dimensional but we definitely got some more range from Montez in this installment which I enjoyed.

Colleen

A+ Other than the sprinkled in bit about the EDM festival at the beginning, this episode was all about Colleen and the soon to be born baby. She had some amazing bits, like when she explained that she was sweating like a hog and craving fried bologna like a mother fucker or when her water broke and sprayed all over Adam’s face. I had to rewind my DVR at least twice for that part. She was definitely the star of the premiere.

“Orgazmo Birth"

 Extra Credit

• Anders DJ name: DJ Ango “You know like D’jango ... Jamie Fox? Oh just forget it!'
• Adam explaining that the drug Molly is different than ecstacy some how but nobody knows why (pretty sure I’ve had this convo with my friends on several occasions)
• Blake’s raver outfit including Predator day-glow dreads

Demerits

• Trademark three-way bro banter was very weak
• Needed more umph from a season premier 

Fiona's dead! (Maybe). (Probably not). (Come on, DEFINITELY not). Okay, Fiona is allegedly dead, which means seven things, and they're all wonders. Who'll be the next Supreme? At this point I'm saying Myrtle. 

It was a fun week - each of the Robicheaux's students discovers a new power, Cordelia regains her Sight, Delphine attempts some revisionist history, Queenie strikes her own deal with Papa Legba that sends Marie and Delphine into the LaLaurie attic for eternity, and, most thrillingly, the witches put aside their differences for ten minutes and collectively murder the Axeman. As much as I love Madison and Myrtle's acid-tinged put-downs, Coven is at its strongest when the ladies work together. 

Fiona

C

Fiona underestimates her lover, and it’s a big ole whoopsie. Of all the ways to go, I wouldn't have pinned her with "axes to the head from a ghost," but I don't make the rules. But! It was probably all a ruse anyway! So whatevs! 

Delphine

F Unable to accept her historical (and deserved) designation as a murderer, D. La takes over the LaLaurie house tour and extols the hostessing prowess of its former mistress, denying that she ever tortured "domestics" in the attic. But she later admits to Queenie that she'll never apologize - because she isn't sorry, and no amount of Martin Luther King recordings will change it. It's fitting that the attic becomes her eternal hell. Delphine's push and pull between pride and shame has been the most interesting thing on the show. Even in hell, she weeps at seeing her family caged and tortured – conveniently forgetting that in life, she was A-OK with locking them up herself.

Queenie & Marie

B & C Remember when Queenie turned on Delphine? They’d struck up a tentative friendship until Delphine confessed that she’d killed a baby, and that was Queenie’s last straw. Marie’s killed far more babies than Delphine, so it seems appropriate that Queenie turned on her as well. Or maybe this is just what I’m telling myself, because otherwise, I have no idea why Queenie would so happily destroy Marie. Even if it’s the only way to get Delphine permanently off this earth, Queenie and Marie were on good terms. In any case, Queenie learns how to get to hell and back, AND manipulates Papa Legba to get what she wants without even offering her soul. She’s learning!

Kyle & Zoe

B & C In the grand tradition of AHS: Coven, Zoe’s absence from the house lasts under one episode. It occurred to me that rather than returning to New Orleans, she should have just summoned the rest of the crew to Florida, where the swamp mud is plentiful and murder is basically legal, but maybe next season. Kyle, unable to control his frat boy instincts, kills a bum for yelling at them, and Zoe discovers her gift for reanimation – and a conviction that she’s the next Supreme. Listen to Myrtle, Zoe! Even if you are the Supreme, just enjoy the power from afar!

Misty

A

Misty kicked the SHIT out of Madison. Do NOT screw with a swamp witch.

"Go To Hell" 

A-Next week - season finale and The Seven Wonders. Prepare yourself bitches witches. 

Extra Credit

• "You're just like Halston, when he sold his brand to JC Penney."
• Axeman picks the WRONG HOUSE to attack, and it's high-larious. The ladies have bigger fish to fry.
• Col. Broyles/Lt. Daniels is so awesome as Papa Legba, and it’s fun to see Lance Reddick play something besides a stoic cop. 
• Both of the extra sequences - the explanation of the Seven Wonders and Cordelia's vision of Fiona's massacre - were fantastic.

Demerits

• Who carries around a paper printout of their boarding pass two days before their flight?
• This episode had lots of good stuff, but also lots of stretched-out boring bits, which you could say of the season as a whole.

In a season full of high hopes, backhanded betrayals and disfigured meth head teeth, I must bid a bittersweet goodbye to Piper Chapman and crew until they return this Summer 2014. And boy, did these girls put on one hell of a show in "Can't Fix Crazy." Not only did Piper's love life untangle completely by the threads, but the entire prison hierarchy collapsed, with only utter chaos and anarchy filling in the voids between who's in charge and who's just a power player. It's only natural that if you keep dozens of rowdy women confined in a small area that they're bound to collide into each other. But just as everything else we've learned this season in Orange is the New Black, nothing really goes according to plan.

Piper

CLike a college student desperately trying to drop a class before the end of semester deadline to save their GPA, Piper is racing against the clock to get her marriage to Larry approved by prison officials. But ultimately her efforts were futile, as Larry's misguided visit to Alex completely unraveled the yuppie lifestyle she had been building for the past few years, plus she lost her true romantic partner in Alex. But saving her lifestyle wasn't as important as saving her life when Pennsatucky approached the blonde with a classic prison shank. And instead of trying to pawn off her problems on someone else or beg for help, Piper finally did what we'd desperately been hoping for this whole time: she manned up and took care of business on her own, with a crotch kick and bona fide Sonny Corleone beat down all over Pennsatucky's yellow teeth. As J.K. Rowling said, "rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life", and now that Piper has lost everything, it's only upwards for Chapman from here.

Larry

BAs Larry explained his plans to marry Piper to his parents, they responded with a trademark "her?"Arrested Development-esque expression. And although Larry's judgement had been too clouded to figure out maybe Piper wasn't worth it this whole time, he finally got the cold hard truth from Alex that Piper is a straight up psycho and immediately ended things. Often times you'll hear of married couples who'll stay together in an abusive relationship because they don't feel like they have any other options. Luckily Larry figured out he was being abused before signing away his final vows, and although his writing career may not have as much oomph without stealing Piper's stories behind bars, Larry imprisoned personal and romantic life is finally free to do as it pleases.

Alex

BIf Alex wasn't a fictional character and a lesbian and there was some sort of prison romantic partner program, I would move immediately to the tri-state area and put my name at the top of the list to be with the hard truth-telling inmate. Although she figured out (again) a little too late that Piper isn't really worth it, she found a much cooler (albeit crazier) lover in Nikki. Alex definitely has the smarts and rationality to become a key prison player if she wanted, and could probably get involved enough to get parole. But since she wishes to be so reserved from the action (which is probably the best call in all honesty), she just needs to endure her lengthy multi-year sentence. Which isn't so bad when you have Nikki by your side. 

Red

FHolding any sort of powerful position naturally broods a large ego, and Red was no different when she was forced out of her role as Kitchen Head/Top Inmate Arbiter. But Red let her resentment and jealousy get the best of her when igniting the grease fire. While she thought that maybe the fire would somehow reinstate her as head chef, ultimately it made her even more alone and powerless than she already was. For not knowing to quit while you're ahead, or behind rather, Red gets an F.

Pennsatucky 

CWhile Pennsatucky's nearly demonic stalking of Piper lead to her getting her ass kicked, ultimately the meth head will end up miles ahead with a brand new set of teeth now that hers are lodged in Piper's fists. We'll have to see in season two whether Pennsatucky has calmed down, but even if not, she'll still have some nice pearly whites to show while praising the word of god.

"Can't Fix Crazy"

AA wonderful, no holds barred finale to a masterful first season of a great television series. 

Extra Credit

• Larry easily has the most fashionable winter wear I've ever seen on television. If his writing career should start to dwindle, Larry should serve as a consultant to Gap or J. Crew.
• Props to Red's silent hen who finally got the courage to sing at the talent show. Let's hope she speaks up more in season 2.

Demerits

• Now that the season is finished, I must remark that Daya and Bennett's relationship felt very contrived. I can appreciate the series took the effort to create an intriguing scenario of a prison/guard romance, but at the same time seeing Bennett get so upset over Daya's sleeping with Pornstache and the two "falling in love" despite knowing each other for such a short amount of time feels a little forced. 

Wow. Holy crap. What a fantastic, incredible way to send off Donald Glover from the series. Seriously, that may be one of the five best episodes of Community.

I would be exaggerating if I said every single episode this season has been better than every single episode last season... but I’d only be exaggerating a little. This season is shaping up to be Community’s best – though it will be a lot harder with Donald Glover moving on from the show that made him a star.

These apocalyptic, adventure-type episodes have been popular with fans since the original paintball episode, “Modern Warfare” of season one (still the best episode of the series). Dan Harmon and co. responded to this enthusiasm by making several more paintball episodes. I burned out on the “paintball” episodes after the second season’s two-part finale, “A Fistful of Paintballs” and “For a Few Paintballs More.” By the time last season’s finale (which I hated), I never wanted to hear the “P” word muttered at Greendale again.

Thankfully, Harmon and the writers were able to capture the epic, cinematic feel of “Modern Warfare” without stealing its exact premise. Instead of a paintball war, we get “the floor is lava,” aka “Community: Lava World.” The elimination competition element is intact, but this doesn’t feel like a rehash.

Yet, what really makes this episode stand out is the emotional core which propels the plot. (This isn’t surprising – Community’s best “concept” episodes have great character moments as their backbone, like Jeff and Britta hooking up in “Modern Warfare.”)

I loved how the episode took time to consider Troy’s relationship with all six characters and give him a proper farewell in the final episode. That makes it two “goodbye” episodes in a row (after last week’s adieu to Pierce), each done excellently in different ways. But Troy is a more beloved character, and his moment to sail off into the sunset (literally) is a lot more sentimental and warm than last week’s outing.

Let’s jump into grading the characters:

Annie / Jeff B+/B+

Marked down for not having much to do. Marked back up for their great goodbyes to Troy.

Jeff is usually the one who is reluctantly pulled into these ridiculous fantasies. Here, he’s thrown himself into “Lava World,” which I buy for a couple of reasons. First, the previous episodes of the season have established that he needs the money desperately. Second, they’ve also drilled home that Jeff has embraced the lunacy of Greendale. He’s fully in this world now.

I’m suspecting that Community has Jeff and Annie getting together in its endgame, because this makes two out of three episodes where the show has called attention to them being paired together.

This season has done a great job of bringing the show back to its characters’ roots. That’s why I appreciated Annie’s goodbye to Troy calling back to her crush on him in high school. The show also often did a great job calibrating Jeff and Troy’s relationship: the former more clever and sensible, the latter spirited and possessing “the heart of a hero,” as Pierce put it.

Buzz B

Like Annie and Jeff, Buzz didn't have much to do. But, even though I’ve loved him as Pierce’s replacement, I am okay with his absence. He wasn’t one of the original seven and has no relationship with Troy.

Still, I thought he made the best of his limited appearance. He was amusing as the pilot of a steam engine-like locker cart. I hope the show doesn’t abandon the reluctant mutual appreciation between Buzz and Britta we saw here. It was a nice note.

Shirley B-

Of all of Greendale’s original seven, Shirley is the one the show has had the most trouble doing interesting stuff with. For awhile, her only real character trait was a judgmental Christian. We got an arc of her having a baby with her ex-husband, and another with her opening a sandwich shop, but not much beyond that in four and a half seasons.

Harmon and the writers have tried to push the sandwich shop angle so far this season, but too many of the jokes still seem to lean on Shirley’s Christianity and judging attitude. This continued in “Geothermal Escapism” when Shirley had separate whiteboard graveyards for “Seculars” and “Christians.” It bothered me.

Still, she had some good material this episode. I liked her role as the peaceful, powerful merchant sitting on a big and dangerous weapon – definitely a sci-fi/adventure story cliché.

Her farewell to Troy also seemed the least personal, but I was glad that it didn’t bring up the only connection the show has previously been able to make between the characters: their skin color.

Britta A

I was never a big fan of Troy and Britta’s fling. I never saw much connection between them other than the fact that they were two attractive single people. The fact that their relationship took place over the rocky fourth season added to the trouble.

But I loved the way that this episode handled their friendship. It never quite brought up the romance, but it acknowledged some lingering emotion.

Britta playing the Jeff role of being reluctantly sucked into the Greendale madness was also an inspired choice. Not only did it give more room for the writers to give Britta jokes – she’s been the funniest character for a while now – but her “therapizing” provided framing for the episode’s central conflict, Abed coming to grips with Troy’s departure.

I also liked how, once again, Britta stumbled into helping Abed face up to his challenges.

I legitimately choked up when Troy and Britta hugged for the last time and he whispered “You're the best, and I love you” in a way that seemed halfway between platonic and romantic. Perfect, perfect episode for Britta.

Abed A

Troy and Abed are the greatest TV bromance since Turk and JD, so it felt right that Troy’s final episode centered around that relationship.

“Geothermal Escapism” gave Abed not only a lot of fun material, but a legitimate amount of pathos to play. I always love the episodes that dig deeper into Abed’s character and give him some dramatic material on top of the comic.

I loved that Abed would turn on the group in minor ways and create a fantasy that would allow him to preserve his time with Troy as long as possible. The final bits about cloning Abed rung true, too, despite their silliness – Abed filtering real life through pop culture is a well-established character trait.

Troy A-

Let’s rewind eight years. I was a senior in high school at my friend Tyler’s house, hanging out in his room, and he told me “Hey, man, you have to see this video. It’s hilarious.” He pulled up a video he’d found on a comedy message board he frequented at the time. The skit was called “Daughters.”

We watched it three times in a row and laughed hysterically each time (even though I didn’t recognize at the time the specific beats from 24 it was spoofing). “You’re the most important daughter of all” is a line I still refer to every now and then.

From then on, we were fans of Derrick Comedy, an online sketch comedy troupe starring DC Pierson, Dominic Dierkes, and some guy named Donald Glover. I found these guys on Facebook, sent them messages telling them I was a fan, and friended them (DC and Donald accepted; Dominic never got back to me).

Before long, Derrick Comedy became Internet-famous, churning out raunchy skits on a regular basis and even producing a feature length movie, the under-appreciated Mystery Team. Glover, who I learned was a writer for 30 Rock, was the funniest of the bunch.

In 2009, I heard he had been cast in an NBC pilot for a show called Community, which would also star Yvette Nicole Brown, aka Helen from Drake and Josh. (I didn’t care much about Chevy Chase, the biggest name.) I was sold.

Lo and behold, not only was the cast great, but the writing was great, too. The show gelled together into something weird and unpredictable and… I don’t know, just perfect for me. I loved Community with all my heart that first season. It connected with me. It took only a couple episodes before I declared it my favorite on TV.

Even though I’ve fallen in and out of love with the show since then, it’s still an end-of-an-era type moment for me with Donald Glover leaving as Troy. At this point he’s not my favorite actor on the show (Joel McHale), nor does he play my favorite character (Joel McHale), nor is he the most attractive cast member (Alison Brie is what I’m supposed to say here, but… Joel McHale). But he’s the one who brought me here, and he’s certainly been essential to the show.

Before I share my thoughts on his presumably-final outing, here are my five favorite Troy moments in the show’s history:

Troy and Jeff’s “that’s racist” from the fifth episode went viral shortly after the episode aired, and was an early moment in the show becoming the internet’s favorite sitcom.

My favorite dramatic moment from Troy’s time at Greendale. The gang gets drunk and Troy witnesses how broken these people are, how stupid alcohol is as a method of fixing those problems, and – most of all – how these things don’t diminish the good in them.

Levar Burton’s encounter with Troy is one of the funniest moments in the show’s history. Troy crying never gets old. “Set phasers to ‘love me’!” And Levar returned tonight. Couldn’t be better.

This is still my favorite ending to a Community episode. It demonstrates how versatile Troy is – a good singer, playing a good dramatic beat (returning to Abed), and playing funny (his face and squeal when the mouse crawls up his pants).

And my favorite Troy moment is…

Obviously. This is from the end of the second episode. This was the point when I knew me and this show would be stuck together like, well, Troy and Abed.

In general, Troy’s funniest moments were when he was crying or losing his cool. I think I could watch this compilation on loop for the rest of my life, I think. (Even though it misses the essential “POP WHAT!?”)

Anyways, yeah, it’s kind of a big deal for the show (and me) that Troy’s leaving, which is why I was a little bit surprised that the episode didn’t deal more with Troy individually. It used Britta and Abed as surrogates for his sadness about leaving most of the episode.

Then we got to those final couple minutes, and all bets were off. Talk about a fantastic tribute to the character: He got his farewells in to everyone. I loved it.

As usual, it was a funny episode for Troy: I loved his intimidation stance, “Troy and Abed in a bubble,” and about fifty other small moments.

So while the episode didn’t knock it out of the park in terms of addressing Troy’s departure head-on, it did well enough by Abed and Britta that I didn’t really care, and then gave us a perfect chance to say goodbye to Troy and Glover with those tear-jerking last few minutes.

"Geothermal Escapism" A

As I said in the opening paragraphs, I think this is one of the show’s best episodes. It was a lot of fun and appropriately sentimental. Some of the plot elements were sloppy (see “Demerits” below) and Troy wasn’t given quite as much material as I’d hoped, but the epic feel and the fantastic conclusion make up for it.

Extra Credit and Assorted Thoughts:

• This episode made great use of the side characters. Chang got to appear and be crazy, but didn’t wear out his welcome. Starburns’ appearance might have been the laugh highlight of the evening ("that's 50,000 lotter tickets!"). And the assorted use of other Greendale regulars on Shirley Island was fantastic.
• I spent most of this recap talking about the characters, but I need to emphasize that the stylistic touches in this episode were great. It felt like a post-apocalyptic story, with bits of Lost and Dune and steampunk in there. There were some great parodies of post-apocalyptic story tropes.
• The “knock knock” exchange between Britta and Jeff may have been funnier than all of Season 4 combined.
• The lingo, which Britta made fun of, was spectacularly done. I was jotting down my favorite bits in my notes – lava joust, intimidation stance, the vapors of Mad Morath (“You have gods?”) – but I’ll have to watch this episode again just to see what else I can catch.
• LEVAR BURTON! Damn was that a great final twist. One of Troy’s funniest moments revisited.
• Is this the first time we’ve learned that Greendale is in Colorado? Was that revealed just for the closing joke that they’re in a mountainous, landlocked state? Or is a pot-themed episode on the way? (I always assumed it was California, like Glendale, which Greendale is based on.)
• This was a much more literal use of “Come Sail Away” than Freaks and Geeks’, but I still think I prefer the original.
• Two other thoughts on Donald Glover: 1) Back in 2010 when they were casting the Spiderman reboot, there was a push to cast Glover as Spiderman, which I fully supported. 2) When I had the chance to ask Yvette Nicole Brown a few questions, I of course asked her what it's like working with Donald. She said he's playful, smart, multi-talented (always rapping or singing or doing a voice), funny, and kind. It just made me want to hang out with him more.

Demerits:

• We have to acknowledge some of the plotting bugs here: The competition and $50k check thing just kind of disappears, which would matter more if the ending wasn’t so riveting.
• I know last episode revealed Troy and Abed’s clap-clap handshake as somewhat fraudulent, but I was hoping to see it one last time as Abed and Troy said goodbye.
• The Universal Translator gag felt weird. The writers should have either found some more funny ways to use it or not introduced it at all.
• I guess I'm in the minority who doesn't like Donald Glover's rap and wants him to stick to acting.

One last Troy moment:

I would hate to end Troy's last outing on the down notes of the Demerits, so here's another favorite Troy moment: he, Abed, and Jeff "krumping."

“I want to be Pac-Man and instead of dots, I want them to be cinnamon buns.” –Ann Perkins

This week, Leslie tries to turnip the heat when she thinks Ben doesn’t carrot all about the Chard vendor’s blue(berry) marketing strategy. When their work life pears with their home life, their relationship gets chili and Leslie starts raisin hell. A Ben vs. Leslie episode? Okra-p. Collard me excited.

Lettuce get to the recap! (#SorryNotSorry).

Leslie

A

Now this version of bulldozer Leslie makes sense, unlike last week’s major character regression. Leslie sees a problem, comes up with a solution, and smothers everyone else with it until they suffocate and give in. Leslie is that person that forces the puzzle pieces together, even when they don’t fit, because it totally makes sense for that piece to be there and the manufacturer must be wrong and there’s NO WAY you lost one of the pieces and you definitely tried them all. (I may be projecting here). It’s more important to me that Leslie stay in character than it is to have her be likeable all the time. She is a human bulldozer in the best and worst of ways, and having to deal with bad vegetable puns and 158 rules of conduct for the Pawnee Farmer’s Market is part of dealing with Leslie. And to be honest, Leslie is the best. She’s earned the right to be annoyingly passionate and borderline rude; I’ll still love her.

Ben

B+

Ben, you are my favorite nerd. Of course you would separate family and work life by using a firewall. But at this point, I’d think you’d be slightly more adept at dealing with Leslie’s special blend of crazy. You and I both know nothing can misdirect her, and trying to run home so you don’t have to deal with it is NOT going to work. After all, your home was probably built on the grounds where the first Pawnee election was held, so it’s technically state property.

And guys, Adam Scott directed this episode! A’s for you, Adam Scott.

Ann

A+

Oh Ann Perkins, you beautiful, pregnant, relatable, hungry, hungry hippo. This may have been Ann’s best episode of all time. Rashida Jones had a myriad of great lines to work with, and her food rant is a thing of beauty. I’m a little bummed that the writers didn’t give her this much meat until her second-to-last episode, but better late than never.

Side note: what does it say about me that I relate the most to a very pregnant and hormonal fictional character? I can’t be alone in this.

Chris

AIf disagreeing with Leslie is like arguing with the sun, then complaining to Chris is like staring into a flood light. Tackling the issue of how difficult it is for woman to vent to men is an excellent concept, and Chris and Ann are literally the perfect couple to exemplify this. And while I get that Ann is completely hormonal from carrying a human life insider her, I am SO IN LOVE with Chris. Don’t we all just want someone to cut our horse pills in half and buy us cream for our boob-hats?

April & Andy

A & A

This storyline was absolute perfection. Andy really does make up songs off the top of his head (I sing his “I am on hold” song from “Hunting Trip” every time I’m on hold). It’s been a confirmed character trait for years. Often, when shows have been on the air this long, the writers have to start making up habits and traditions that have never been established and it comes off as disingenuous. But Andy has the skills to make up kids songs about picking noses, and April has previously acted as his manager and cheerleader. Farmer’s Market takes the same old ingredients they’ve always had and turns them into a new delicious, boogery dish.

Bert Macklin

A+As for investigating dirty feet for the FBI. It’s a stinky job; I’m just glad you’re doing it.

“Farmer’s Market”

AAfter last week, I was afraid that Parks and Rec might have hit its limit for original episodes. But last night proved me wrong. Of course Leslie and Ben would have issues separating work/home life. And of course Ann wouldn’t get to vent to Chris, the shining beacon of human perfection. And OF COURSE Andy would make a perfect children’s singer. None of these storylines have been done before, and all of them are perfectly in character. Episodes like this are the reason why I trust the writers enough to look forward to season 7. Yeah, that’s right kids. We’re going to have a a 7th season.

Extra Credit

• CRAIG IS BACK! “Have you not already lost it?” “OH YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW.”
• Ann’s entire food rant, starting with“I have a beach ball in my stomach that’s punching on my bladder.”
• The surprise in Leslie’s Toffee Surprise is the toffee.
• Ann has Pre-Post-Partum Depression anxiety
• “I literally have one thousand questions.”
• “This is an excellent rectangle!”
• All the vegetable hate:
  Broccoli is a small tree, while cauliflower is a small, dead tree.
  Chard is either kale that took a dump on spinach or celery with B.O.
  Chard juice shots are actually trees barfing in your mouth.

Demerits

• That the episode ended.

Best Jerry/Gary/Larry Dig

• The only thing I love more than when everyone picks on Larry is when Larry gets to pick on Kyle. “I just want to choke him until he passes out.”
• Leslie’s scream of frustration at Larry. Poetry.
• I’m starting to forget his name is actually Jerry. Wait, no, it’s Gary.

What did you guys think? And if I missed any great vegetable pun opportunities, peas tell me.

P.S: For everyone who has always wanted an entire Ron Swanson episode, I found this gem while I was procrastinating this morning: 

“Hey, if a girl’s gotta go, it may as well be glamorous, right?” – Katherine

Welcome back to Character Grades, TVD fans! It feels like an eternity since we last got together to hold hands, sway to and fro, and argue about Damon Salvatore until we began to bleed from our ears, and I don’t know about you, but I’ve sure missed it.

But, we’re back, and for a very special celebration –  the 100^th episode of The Vampire Diaries! This episode was the perfect combination of reflecting on the things we’ve lost [Alaric, our minds, some standards] and the things we’ve gained [Rebekah, Elena’s pink hair, Caroline’s penchant for sex against trees] tied together with an excellent twist that we probably all saw coming but was still fun nonetheless. 

Basically, Katherine’s dying (ish?) and the whole crew has gathered together to stand vigil by her bedside. And by “stand vigil” I mean “celebrate her demise” and by “her bedside” I mean “with copious amounts of bourbon.” Party!

Katherine Pierce

A Leave it to Katherine to prove she’s a boss bitch even when her body is decomposing from the inside out. I figured the Katherine-in-Elena storyline was coming, but I have to admit that even I got a little worried about Katherine’s impending demise during all of those sad-as-fuck flashbacks. Katherine’s been through a lot of shit, and she’s proved time and time again that she isn’t going out without a fight. I just hope she uses this opportunity to completely screw with Damon’s head, because the one good thing about his claim that all of his assholery is linked to her is that anything he can do, she can do better. Get ‘em.

Damon Salvatore

C

"Every awful thing I’ve ever done is linked to her.”

There comes a time in every man’s life when he must pull up his big boy pants and take responsibility for his own actions. That time for Damon was about 50 years ago. Sure, be bitter that Katherine screwed with your head for a century, I get it, it was messed up. But saying he never would’ve killed Vicki if he hadn’t been in town looking for Katherine is like me saying that it’s Rachel Bilson’s fault I cheated on my Algebra test in the 10^th grade because I was too busy watching The O.C. instead of studying. The Sick of Your Shit Express has pulled into the station, Damon. Time to man up.

Elena Gilbert

A-

“I think my mind just exploded.”

I’m convinced that Julie Plec has some sort of vendetta against Nina Dobrev. I imagine her sitting Nina down and saying, “We know it’s been tough having to film twice as two different characters, so we’re going to do something to fix it... We’re going to put Katherine in Elena’s body and make you play both characters at the same time -- SURPRISE!”  And then confetti falls from the ceiling as Dobrev curls up into the fetal position and cries, the sound drowned out by Plec’s maniacal laughter.

But anyway, I’m proud of Elena for being the bigger person with Katherine, even if it totally came back to bite her in the ass. Oh well. Such is life.

Stefan Salvatore

A+You precious prince. I just want to smoosh your face with my face. It’s possible that I totally got teary-eyed when he altered Katherine’s memories so that she could be at peace and see her daughter. And then he goes and gives relationship advice to Damon and Elena and I just want all of the good things for Stefan, you don’t even know. Unfortunately, he’s probably going to be a little peeved when he realizes what Katherine’s done, but if he can get over his brother boning his ex-girlfriend, he can get over his other ex-girlfriend abusing his emotions to steal part of his ex-girlfriend’s soul for diabolical reasons. Stefan’s pretty cool like that.

Caroline Forbes

A+

“I literally just WHOOSHED at the sight of your face. So, no.”

From memorizing Elena’s breakup, to spilling the beans on Katherine and Stefans sex-capades, to boning Klaus against a tree, every moment Caroline was on screen was golden. I was never a huge Klaroline shipper, but I’m all for Caroline hitting and quitting that OG D.

Rebekah

A+ Please come back to me. I really don’t want to watch The Originals. Please.

"500 Years of Solitude"

AI really enjoyed this episode. It was funny, touching, maddening, somewhat exciting, and I found myself entertained from start to finish. It was an excellent throwback to the past 100 episodes, and it set up a [hopefully] interesting storyline moving forward. Kudos, TVD. You may not be Emmy-worthy TV, but hot damn if you aren’t fun. 

Extra Credit

• “You memorized my break up?” 
  “Of course I did.”
• It’s kind of appropriate that I keep accidentally typing “500 Days of Summer” instead of the actual episode title, because both stories involve a guy completely basing his entire shitty existence off of a girl he barely knows. Well done, writers!

Demerits

• I wonder how much they had to pay to have Rebekah, Jenna, Elijah, Vicki, and Alaric come back and collectively say 15 words. I bet if they’d cut that out, they could afford to hire a new body for Katherine and give Nina Dobrev a vacation. I’m glad they didn’t, though. Partly because I loved seeing everyone, and partly because I want to witness Dobrev’s eventual mental breakdown.

“The plan, the plan, the accursed plan was taking too long.”

So here we are at last, the final episode of Dracula, a series that had so much potential and buzz but alas didn’t quite live up to either of it. In its ten episode run, Dracula was at its best an unintentional parody of all things wrong with the modern vampire hype and at it’s worst a misguided attempt to tackle an ageless legend that took itself way too seriously for its own good. Despite it’s many flaws however, the show was amazingly still enjoyable. Ten episodes down the road, I’m still not sure what it is about this series that kept me hooked. It definitely wasn’t the show’s shallow characters, wobbly plotting, or its talent for making an episode seem busy when actually nothing is really happening. Maybe it’s Jonathan Rhy’s Meyers’s abs, hell, maybe it’s the Pimp Suit, whatever the thing about this show that captivated me may be, let’s pay homage one last time to this butchering retelling of the legend of Dracula by taking a look at the grades!  

Dracula F

I could pin point the exact moment when I started to turn on Dracula, and it was the moment he swapped Pimp Suit with the checkers. Now, the checkers is out and he’s replaced it with a boring gray suit, and he and I are still not on good terms. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not just the suit, it’s, well, everything. I wanted to like him so badly when this all began, I REALLY did, because he’s the king of vampires and I love Jonathan Rhys Meyers, and this Dracula had all the potential of being such a compelling character. Now that the season (and most likely series) is over, I can safely say that if you take Edward Cullen, toss in a bit of Riper Stefan Salvatore, and throw in a teenage girl’s sense of entitlement and penchant to throw massive temper tantrums, you can make yourself a Dracula of your very own.

The finale revolves all around that wireless light bulb machine that we’ve been hearing so much about since the very first episode. It’s ironic that the whole series has been building up to a successful demonstration of the light bulb trick and yet, the only time the damn thing actually worked properly was in the first episode. Yup, that’s right, that big, fancy machine was sabotaged once again, and Alexander Greyson did little more than scream about it as it explodes and kills half of London and that was the end of that.

But the moment that really won him the F was the moment he killed Lady Jayne. It’s not so much that he killed her, but that he had to make her sit through a monologue about wanting life and light and wanting to be a human and not a monster and what not. You slap a woman around when she’s trying to kill you, fair enough, you throw her onto a giant wooden spike and pierce her stomach in the middle of a fight, I can understand that, but making her listen to the sappy, cliché monster angst anthem, “If only I weren’t a monster,” moments before she takes her last breath is just plain cruel! No wonder Jayne asked Dracula to just kill her and be done with it. You do owe her that, Mr. Greyson!

Lady Jayne A+

“Sorry Jayne, I’ve grown immune to all your toys.”

Remember a few episodes back when I accused Lady Jayne of being a terrible vampire hunter? I still stand by that assessment. She still can’t kill a vampire to save her life (literally!), but damn do I love that woman! Sure she’s a bit bitchy at times, sure her boobs has more screen time than all the members of The Order of the Dragon combined, sure she manipulated Lucy to commit acts that got the poor girl turned into a vampire, but she is fierce! She’s more fiery and interesting than the show’s leading lady, Mina, and with all her flaws she actually came out of it more sympathetic and relatable. Not to mention, what she lacks in vampire hunter skills she makes up in leadership skills, I mean just look at the way she commanded all those vampire hunters. Girlfriend runs a tight ship! Ironically, as progressive and feminist and strong as Mina was meant to be, Jayne ended up being all those things and more, while Mina ended up being…

Mina F

…useless. Yup, I said it, Mina was a perfectly useless character. Now, I know that she served a very specific purpose of being the love interest, but someone should send out a public service announcement to let all writers know that it’s okay for the female love interest of a vampire story to actually do something more than a) be in life threatening situations b) be saved by the vampire c) be involved in a love triangle and d) stand there and be adored by every character in her immediate surrounding and their mothers.

Remember when Mina had that little side plot of trying to conquer surgery so she can become a doctor? That plot was relevant for a total of two episodes, just long enough for us to get the full dosage of sexist Harker, before it became one of those things that you just mention on the fly. Also, as much as Mina’s snooping around Van Helsing’s office annoyed me, I could have sworn finding that blood that reanimated the rat was supposed to lead to something more for Mina, but nope, the series just ended with Mina falling into the arms of a hunky, broody vampire, after she spent the whole episode either crying, or screaming. Gag. 

Renfield C

So Renfield died in this episode, presumably. Dracula didn’t spare two seconds to wonder where his trusty lawyer disappeared off to when he didn’t return after being sent to get Van Helsing.

Lucy C

Remember when Lucy got turned into a vampire at last in the previous episode and it was awesome? No, of course not, because it was an underwhelming, five second sneak attack (she didn’t even look that scared!), that was over in the blink of an eye. Well, I was hoping that at least Lucy being a vampire will have enough awesomeness to make up for it, but all she did was lay in bed the whole episode before she decided to snack on her mother. C for Lucy for being just an average vampire, an F for the writers for being unimaginative.

Van Helsing & Harker F & F

I thought I would spend this episode hating on Van Helsing for being an evil fucker, but it turns out, I didn’t. Don’t get me wrong, he is in fact an evil fucker, but at least he owns it and, also he just seems a little batshit crazy, that I don’t even want to mess with that.

Harker on the other hand almost redeemed himself for being Harker, when he was so appalled at learning that the machine was set to explode, but then he went back to being an unredeemable asshole when he only tried to save Mina out of all the innocent people standing by. 

I was hoping this episode would tie itself up in a neat little bow, with no real cliffhangers, since it’s likely this series won't be renewed and I can’t stand cliffhangers that will never be resolved. For about three seconds, it almost looked like I was going to get my wish, until the last scene shows Van Helsing and Harker colluding to bring down Dracula. Thanks a lot you two for ruining everything!

"Let There Be Light" A-

And so, my friends, this concludes NBC’s attempt to jump on the vampire bandwagon. Love it or hate it, at least we could say that when it wasn’t blatantly trying to rip of Twilight, it was better than Twilight.

Extra Credit

• Browning’s two vampire children was The Walking Dead level of undead creepy.
• The new seer is way cooler than the two we saw way early on.

Demerits

• Dracula doesn’t read the newspaper, he makes Renfield read it for him.
• The severed finger. I watch Game of Thrones, American Horror Story, and Breaking Bad, I’m pretty okay when it comes to TV violence, but one thing that I am so not okay with is seeing a tiny, child’s finger rolling out of a box accompanied by a ransom note. Not cool, Van Helsing!
• Jonathan Rhys Meyers is really short. It’s not so much a demerit that he’s short, I have no qualms with that, it’s that I’ve only just noticed it now. It looks like I’m a little slow on the uptake, but in my defense, up until recently I had Pimp Suit to blind me with the illusion that he was tall and majestic and all that jazz. A pint sized bossy pants who likes to throw murderous temper tantrums when things don’t go his way sure does remind me of somebody.

Our beloved Downtonites struggled with knowledge this week: Mr. Bates bullied Mrs. Hughes into telling what really happened to Anna, Thomas pressured Miss Baxter, Cora’s new lady’s maid, to share the family’s secrets, and Mr. Molesley realized he couldn’t even get hired as a footman.

Mary learned that Tony Gillingham proposed to Miss Lane Fox, and Edith began to worry about her boyfriend’s silence. Mary and Tom found out Lord Grantham secretly supported a tenant farmer, and the Dowager Countess suspected her gardener of theft. Tom remembered his socialism and contemplated moving to America.

Alfred learned he would be tested for entry into the cooking class at the Ritz, and then he found out he didn’t make it.

Let’s see how these stiff upper lips handled their disappointments.

Dowager Countess and Mrs. Crawley B+ & A-

"Wars have been waged with less fervor."

This week, Mrs. Crawley and the Dowager Countess teamed up to hire the Pegg boy to the gardening crew as a way help his family (his mother was in the out-patient clinic last week, but I browned out during that scene and can’t remember why…).

The friendship between these two women has become one of my favorite parts of the show. While Mrs. Crawley’s right – they both care about these issues – the Dowager Countess’s sassy attitude juxtaposes nicely against Mrs. Crawley’s earnestness. Unfortunately, the DC has plenty of residual aristocratic snobbery, and when a letter opener disappears, she pins young Pegg.

It’s a bit obvious to blame the help, so I suspect this gardener will help grow the Dowager Countess’s humility.

Lord Grantham A-

Lord Grantham resumed his favorite business strategy this week by making a risky investment without telling anyone. However, instead of gambling it all on the railroad, Lord Grantham chose to help a man whose ancestors helped create Downton’s history in order to solidify its future. Lady Mary is right: he’s a decent man. Here’s hoping he keeps his role as a benevolent back-seat meddler.

Lady Mary B-

"Oh, stop moaning."

Lady Mary may have been right to lament the loss of her softness: this week, she campaigned to evict a tenant farmer and picked on Edith to a degree reminiscent of Season 1. I suspect most of her irritability is due to Tony Gillingham’s changing his status from “it’s complicated” to “engaged,” and I hope her mood will improve after new house guests arrive to distract her.

Lady Edith B

Things had been going well for Edith, so naturally, an iceberg is looming in the distance: a mysterious doctor visit and no word from her sorta-fiancé only spells trouble. She took some crap from Mary this week, and I can’t decide if she was being kind or a doormat by not responding. Hopefully she can get the Titanic back on track.

Tom Branson A-

That house party really was the worst: it left Mary with a broken heart and Anna with a bruised soul, and now Tom wants to take baby Sybbie and move to America. Speaking as a viewer, I do not like this idea one bit. Accepting Tom into their family and seeing his success as the estate’s agent has been good for the Downton family, and I’m afraid they’ll flounder without him.

As a person, though, I agree with Lady Cora that this move could be a great opportunity. Baby Sybbie would have the childhood we all believed we should have had but our parents were hiding from us, Princess Diaries-style – she’d grow up with a clean slate in the US and get to spend summers riding horses with her noble relatives.

Mr. Bates B

"Be aware: nothing is over, and nothing is done with.”

After weeks of questioning his brick wall of a wife, Mr. Bates finally discovered the key to Anna’s secret: Mrs. Hughes. He threatened to leave unless she told him the truth, and then when he heard the ugly story, he cried alone in the hallway. He was sweet with Anna, reassuring her of his love, but even though he convinced Anna he wanted to move on, he told Mrs. Hughes his real intent. Not surprisingly, based on the heavy-handed foreshadowing in the last few episodes, Mr. Bates plans to hunt down the rapist, despite the dangers.

I can’t blame him for being upset, but Mr. Bates needs to learn some new techniques for dealing with “the grumpies.”

Mr. Barrow & Miss Baxter B+ & A-

"They don't like you much."
"That's why you're here - to rectify that failing on my part."

Thomas is justifiably disliked downstairs, but he’s gone from getting fired for being an irredeemable a-hole to being the under-butler who recommends new hires. His boot straps must have jet packs.

Miss Baxter, whom he put forward to be Lady Cora’s new lady’s maid, seems genuinely nice, so Thomas forces her to get in with everyone both downstairs and upstairs to keep him stocked in secrets. I’m so curious to know what he’s holding over Miss Baxter – whatever it is, it’s probably not worth the trouble she’ll inevitably get into.

Mr. Carson & Mr. Molesley B & B-

These two men have enough pride to start a parade. Thinking Alfred was leaving to become a chef at the Ritz, Mr. Carson offered Mr. Molesley the footman position. It’s better than mending roads, but Mr. Molesley isn’t ready to accept his fall. Mr. Carson’s love for Downton makes him believe anyone should be grateful for the opportunity to work there, even as a bellhop/waiter. Turns out, Alfred missed his chance at the Ritz, and Molesley missed his opening to return to service. Something’s going to break soon with poor Molesley – I just hope it’s his big break.

"Episode 4" 

B+This episode felt transitional in a good way – a palate cleanser after the house party from hell to help us get back to normal (except Mr. Bates, who can’t let anything go). Most of the story lines dropped the first few notes of intriguing mysteries: where is Michael Gregson, and was Edith at the doctor because she leapfrogged straight from love to the baby carriage? What’s cousin Rose planning for Lord Grantham’s birthday party? What will Miss Baxter hear, and what will she tell Thomas?

We’ll have to wait until after the Broncos win the Super Bowl to find out, but share your guesses in the comments in the meantime.

Extra Credit

• Currently accepting applicants to serve me breakfast in bed every morning, complete with orange juice.
• Lord Grantham’s top hat.
• When baby Sybil said "uh oh."

Demerits

• Daisy – you’re just fooling yourself… to the point of meanness. Let Alfred live his dream!
• Mary – take off that hideous grandpa coat. Even Macklemore wouldn’t be caught in that jacket.

"The Sign of Three" is an episode with lofty aspirations. Structurally complex and emotionally ambitious, it weaves three non-synchronous short stories into one grand mystery while attempting to tell a highly personal story about John and Sherlock's friendship.

Sherlock Holmes

A-

As I hope you're already aware, Sherlock is a show about Sherlock Holmes. However, Benedict Cumberbatch has never before put the team on his spindly back quite like this. Well over half of the episode is devoted to Sherlock's best man speech, which is a meandering affair, full of flashbacks and cut-aways. However, a surprising amount of time and attention is spent on Sherlock's face, which is the sole occupant of the frame you might have wondered if he just shot most of the scenes naked, an idea which certainly makes some corners of the internet very happy. It's a performance that certainly deserves A. 

Of course, a great character is more than a memorable performance. (See: Cage, Nicholas) This week's script is the first one ever credited to all three of the show's writers. While the man-hours spent putting the elaborate structure in place were certainly numerous, Sherlock's speech comes across as too writerly. Its complicated use of rhetorical devices and turns of pathos don't always seem like they come from the mind of the character. While I can believe that Sherlock is a good writer, I don't buy that he could construct such an emotionally adept speech and still be unaware of its effect on his audience. 

Sherlock is often in danger of becoming over-idealized. While this might seem a strange thing to say about someone who refers to himself as a "high-functioning sociopath", Sherlock's enviable intelligence is best tempered with an unenviable detachment from the world. In "The Sign of Three", we see Sherlock without many of his negative qualities. Sure, he's can still be something of a dick, but he's easier to identify with than ever. He readily shows his feelings, exhibits embarrassment, and even develops an extremely uncharacteristic crush on one of the bridesmaids. While Sherlock doesn't need to be Walter White, he's usually more interesting the less human he is.

However, I'm willing to give the writers the benefit of the doubt. It's clear that at least some of this humanization is intentional. Watson has clearly been a strong influence on this particular Holmes, dragging him into the world of what Mycroft disdainfully calls "people". But now Watson is about to play a much smaller role in Sherlock's life and it could be interesting to see this newly humanized Sherlock dealing with a world he isn't fully equipped to handle. Without his trusty guide and companion, Sherlock could be caught in a fascinating middle ground. He exhibits the desire to connect with others, but lacks the ability to do so. Hopefully we'll get to see some of his new struggle.

John Watson

A- It feels wrong to not mention Watson in an episode that revolves around his wedding, but he doesn't really do anything. As always, Martin Freeman was a pleasure to watch but it was Cumberbatch's show and Watson really just occupied the periphery.

Drunk Sherlock

A+ Oh my god Sherlock got absolutely smacked and it was hilarious. I'm sure the drunken adventures of Sherlock and Watson wasn't everyone's cup of tea, but it was definitely my four hundred and forty three point seven milliliters of, er, beer. The sequence managed to capture a lot of what is fun about getting sloshed with one of your friends while still being about Holmes and Watson, who are apparently unbeleiveable lightweights.

"The Sign of Three"

A- While the episode had a fair number of problems, none of them took away from the thrill I felt when Sherlock realized there was going to be a murder. Strong feelings like that are part of the reason we watch television and, for that matter, consume any narrative art. While, for such a long time, the focus has been on creating conflicted feelings of repulsion and guilt (repulsion, guilt, and erections if you get HBO), we shouldn't discount the importance (or difficulty) of creating a more positive rush of excitement.

Extra Credit

• Unlike last week's episode, "The Sign of Three" uses its visuals remarkably well. Director Colm McCarthy's use of unrelated visuals to illustrate the murder was particularly good.
• "Two people who currently live together are about to attend church, have a party, go on a short holiday, and then carry on living together. What's big about that?"
• The Sherlock theme music remixed was so terrible but so funny.

Demerits

• Some weird movie references pop up, including homages to The Dark Knight and Pulp Fiction. I wasn't aware I was watching Community.
• The attempted murder didn't seem remotely plausible to me, but I'm not a doctor and it's something I've never seen before, so I give it a pass.

Adam:"If you died, the world would blur. I wouldn't know what a tree was."

Hannah
B

"We in the literary community are left scratching our heads."

David Pressler-Goings, Hannah's "champion," as she refers to him, is dead, leaving a gaping hole in our protagonist's recovery, revealing a hollowness previously left unquestioned. Initially, I was worried that her apathetic response to death would lead to Adam questioning Hannah's bipolar medicines and whether or not she can truly be herself while so heavily dosed. Dear lord, I still pray the story doesn't turn down that road, because I find those story lines to be a bit dangerous and quite honestly, ignorant. It's a chemical imbalance -- medication is a good thing. I digress...

As of right now, it's not Hannah's meds; it's Hannah's uncensored reaction. She simply doesn't know how to feel about it. Plus, now she's back to worrying about the future of her ebook. It almost feels like a challenge from the writers, as they so often seem to push our sense of self by allowing their characters to be so blatantly flawed. Would you not worry about your book in Hannah's place? I mean, it's not even a print book, so how much time and money has the publisher really invested in Hannah? But he died, yes, still sad, though. And Hannah's discussion with Caroline about her inability to match Adam's emotional hierarchy is fair -- the man is unabashedly in touch with his feelings. Am I still a little worried that Adam will recognize his sister's fake-hand-me-down story about poor deceased Margaret pouring out of his girlfriend? Big time. Can you blame the girl for trying?

Jessa
B-

On death: "It's something that happens. It's like jury duty, or you know, floods. They happen."

Marnie
C

"Fancy people want to work with me. So I'm gonna give them that pleasure and I'm gonna go work with them! So fuck you both, have a nice day, enjoy the rest of the video."

Maybe Ray could have shown Marnie more sympathy and waited until her shift ended to watch her YouTube video for what I assume is not his first viewing. Fine. Obviously, Marnie is trying to put the pieces back together after Charlie's departure, but girlfriend is a bag of struggles. Sure, she's working out, taking care of her temple and for a minute there, she was doing a mediocre job as a waitress. But her insides are just as dead as Hannah's, as she so clearly clings to a Marnie of the past. Remember her? She had a decent entry-level job with a dedicated albeit sometimes clingy boyfriend and a gaggle of friends to talk down to. While she still does the latter on the regular, Marnie needs a reality check; a drink splashed in her face, a shouting match with her divorced Mom, or a good cry with the friends she's not so different from. I also feel like if she could just get that damn video down, things could definitely only go uphill, right?

Shoshanna
A+

"I feel like my bandana collection is my most developed collection. I mean my array of bandanas is insane."

Need I say more?

"Dead Inside"
A

Jessa: "Looks like you've got it all figured out with your brownstone, and your baby, and your cool-looking husband."

Extra Credit

• Ray to Hannah: "Why don't you place just one crumb of basic human compassion on this fat-free muffin of sociopathic detachment?"
• Jessa's friend only had to fake the invitation to her funeral because she knew she wouldn't come. Ouch. Tough crowd.
• Caroline: "Just headed out for my afternoon constitutional." The simple life.

Demerits

• Hannah to Adam about her book: "It's an ebook; it's never gonna hit the stands cuz there are no stands, and you know that!"
• How did Laird fit his dead turtle in to that bottle? Seriously, how?

Marnie Michaels YouTubeGate

It's week two and the video remains fully uploaded and available for your viewing pleasure. No one is truly safe...

The Mother

AAfter she lost Max, The Mother has been in self-imposed social exile in her apartment as life continues on without her. While her fiery red headed friend Kelly attempts to break her out of her shell, The Mother can't help but prefer unwelcome naked men tainting up her couch over actually trying to find a new love. She did give Luis a shot, but if he doesn't fully appreciate a top notch english muffin starring cast rendition of "A Chorus Line", he's got to head for the door. The Mother finally got over her grief to let herself love again, and she was wise enough to know not to tie herself down when better things are out there. Plus her desire to end poverty subsequently ignited Manhattan's burgeoning economic punk-rock scene, for which many Williamsburg and Bushwick bohemians are forever grateful. For finally figuring out that she doesn't need to just have one singularly sensational romance to define her life, The Mother gets an A.

Kelly

BKelly tried to break The Mother out of her shell, and didn't get angry when her friend decided that late night Cello rendezvous were more fun than drinking. It seems that Kelly's had her heart shattered a few times too, seeing how she was so willing to submit to the naked stranger without second thought while denying Barney's unlucky charm. Kelly is the friend that The Mother deserves but doesn't want, one who pushes the mopey bass player to be all she can while trying to maintain a social life. It's unsure when Kelly will find her own beau (who knows, she might just end up on a Long Island nudist colony playing Cello with her new found naked lover). But for knowing she needs to push The Mother to find her next one, Kelly gets a B.

Cindy

B

Cindy landed a lucky break when she moved in with The Mother after sitting in Economics/Architecture 101, and couldn't help but become confused when she took a huge opportunity cost by going in for that girl-on-girl kiss. Luckily The Mother didn't mind, and Cindy discovered her true sexual identity only after dating Ted. For coming to terms with who she truly is (after dating Ted no less), Cindy gets a B.

Darren

DThis sociopath was able to charm The Mother into getting his leading man spot on Super Freakonomics. But Darren's thirst for the spotlight proved to be too much to bear as he was subsequently punched and booted from the band at the wedding. You've got to hand it to Darren though, as he wasn't employing his devilish silver tongued tricks into having a one night stand with The Mother. He only just wanted to absorb her band for his own fame and glory. That's noble in a really strange, disturbing way. But it ultimately didn't work, and now that Darren is left to go solo with only a D to his name.

Luis

BProps to Luis for respecting New York underage drinking and statutory rape laws when The Mother jokingly pretended she was 16. And while he did get a few good years in with the greatest woman ever, his last minute marriage proposal was too much too late. You can't force love: kind of like an impromptu english muffin musical number, it just happens. Luis definitely has his heart broken now (fitting how he broke into The Mother's guest house), but for being allowed the opportunity to find his other one, Luis gets a B.

"How Your Mother Met Me" 

B+A charming look into The Mother's social and romantic history while giving us even more reasons to love this character whose name we still have yet to learn.

Extra Credit

• It's interesting to see how many times Ted and The Mother were in such close proximity to each other but never met. Had that, or if that is currently happening with my future wife, I desperately hope she hasn't seen me pick my nose.
• I'd oh so much love to equate Ted and The Mother to George and Kramer respectively on their abilities to make/unmake women lesbians. Ted unfortunately is still too successful and follically blessed, and The Mother doesn't really seem the type to hang out with Bob Sacamono. I'll bring this theory up again if Kramerica Industries works its way into the final episodes.

Demerits

• Kind of bitchy that Cindy didn't inform The Mother she wasn't in the wrong class before she stormed off. If you just found an awesome new living situation, you wouldn't want to see it run out the door mistakenly. But then again, Rachel Bilson fell for Hayden Christensen in "Jumper", so she isn't prone to good decision making.

The Archer gang is all together in Cheryl's mansion this week, trying to unload all the counterfeit money they got in Miami. Of course, it quickly goes south when Pam uses the money to buy a gym bag full of amphetamines, which probably tasted a little sweatier than usual. When the Yakuza discovers the cash is worthless (though the right buyer would probably pay fifteen cents on the dollar) they come to the mansion so that Pam can become a nonconsensual blood donor.

Pam

C+ Pam's plotline is starting to worry me. A show like Archer has to walk a fine line. The characters say such unabashedly terrible things and I suspect it only works because the creative team consistently reveals a sympathy towards the team. It's important that the show's voice be distinguished from those of its characters. It's how we know Vince Gilligan isn't cooking up more than plot twists in his writer's room.

Pam has been fleshed out (whoops) over the years into the most badass character on the show. She put herself through school by murdering underground fighters with her bare hands, is a great drag racer, and appears to have the most impressive sexual prowess of any living human. To put a cherry on this wonderful woman sunday (ew), Pam has a stanza of Lord Byron's "Destruction of Sennacherib" tattooed on her back. That says a lot about how highly the writers think of Pam, not to mention the dimensions of her torso. She was one of the show's strongest and funniest characters, now she just yells "cocaine" and makes munchy noises. She deserves more, writers.

Archer, Mallory, Lana & Cyril

B+, B, B & B These folks, usually the show's bread and butter, take the metaphorical backseat this week. (Which is a good thing, because Archer left skull blood all over the literal backseat in Miami.) Mostly, they bicker about buying guns and getting rid of the counterfeit cash. While I usually enjoy watching these characters argue, their dialogue lacks the snap it had in earlier seasons. This might be a byproduct of having to deliver more exposition than usual in the new Archer Vice setting, but it could also just be a natural byproduct of the show being in its fifth season. It's hard to come up with consistently funny material (ask anyone who reads my recaps), and a show as joke-dense as Archer is bound to run out of gas at some point. On the bright side, Mallory offering Lana a drink was really funny: "I guess that depends on what kind of mother you want to be..."

Ron Cadillac

A- Hey look everyone, it's Ron Cadillac! This week, Ron Cadillac says some unintentionally offensive things about other races!

I really just like Ron Cadillac's name. And Ron Cadillac's voice. And pretty much whatever wonderfully backwards things that come out of Ron Cadillac's mouth, like his opinions on the offensiveness of the word "Chinesey."

Cheryl

A- Thank God for Cheryl. The moment she joins the A-Plot, the show starts to really feel like Archer again. She singlehandedly reinvigorates a mediocre episode with Archer's signature cocktail of madcap energy, bizarre pop-culture references, and casual racism. I tried to list her best lines in the Extra Credit, but there's no way I caught everything. That's a testament to how funny she was.

"Archer Vice: A Debt of Honor"

B+ Up until its midpoint, "A Debt of Honor" was slow and not particularly funny (unlike my sex life). For the first half, I was really starting to worry about the future of the show, pondering whether this whole Archer Vice thing was a mistake or if the show had just run out of great jokes to make.

However, when George Takei and the Yakuza show up, the episode kicks into gear and recaptures some of the old Archer magic. The characters start bouncing off one-another, people start shooting, and silly complications just pile up until Pam and Cyril are carrying a gut-shot Ron Cadillac through a set of secret tunnels Cheryl's ancestor built in 1980 to catch runaway slaves because he thought the the Underground Railroad was literally subterranean. (His plan may have involved dressing up as a ghost).

Meanwhile, Archer tries to negotiate a deal with the head of the Yakuza before the amphetamines wear off and the bourbon kicks in. Because of aforementioned amphetamines, his plan is simply to fire what looks like a sawed-off shotgun from the Age of Sail inside a limousine until he gets what he wants.

If that plot summary doesn't get close to classic Archer, I don't know what classic Archer is.

Extra Credit

• The ridiculously long note Pam left on her door was hilarious.
• "I don't get all pissy every time you mistake a Dutchman for a Swede."
• "Wait didn't you shoot that guy"
   "Oh who remembers."
• "The guy who sold them to me won't be playing the violin any time soon. [...] Because a violin would probably dissolve in the  same big drum of acid they dissolved that guy in."
• "Since I can't write a genre-defining country song with you out here screaming about a bunch of Chinese daylight vampires who are probably scuttling up the drainpipes even as we speak, go out there and kill them."
• "Cheryl, build a fire and get some pokers hot." is a callback to one of my favorite Cheryl moments:

Demerits

• What the hell was going on with Woodhouse this week? Having him stuck under a medicine ball for the entire show is far too much setup for a gag about Archer stealing his phone. It's funny conceptually, but not so much in practice.
• As I suspected, Pam eating the amphetamines was much funnier without any context.
• What did you think of the cutaway to Ray losing control of his bladder? Too much?

I think Archer Vice is finding its legs. Now that we've seen more than one episode, what are your initial impressions?

“Papa Tunde said he wanted to empower the witches, mostly he wanted money and territory. Klaus and Elijah weren’t about to give him either, he didn’t like that, so he went on a rampage.”

Shit went down this week on The Originals and it was all because of a terrifying new baddy, Papa Tunde who rose from the grave and has beef with Klaus. This episode was cut between flashbacks to the roaring 20s when flappers strutted around, while prohibition swept the country and human sacrifice ran rampant in New Orleans (What’s that? You missed that last part in your US history text book? You're welcome).

Between severed heads, full on killing sprees and vampires being turned to blue faced corpses with a creepy mark on their foreheads, this episode was so awesome! Shame it was a flashback episode, I hate flashback episodes.

Papa Tunde A

Papa Tunde is the most menacing bad guy to be introduced to both The Vampire Diaries and The Originals since Elijah (sorry, Klaus, but when your dear big brother showed up on TVD, he brought with him a Gus Fring level of understated, yet frightening menace that still gives me chills!). This guy is all levels of crazy and unhinged, and he single handedly made this episode a standout! This is the first time we’ve witnessed anybody take down an Original so effortlessly, without the aid of a dagger or a white oak stake, and unlike the gang on TVD it didn’t even take him half a season to find the tool he needed to get the job done. In the end he sacrificed all the vampires Marcel kept imprisoned in the intended love nest he was building for Rebekah, and sucked all of their powers just before he submitted himself to be sacrificed by Celeste so that she can have all the power. It just sucks that he’s gone now and we’re stuck with Sabine/Celeste, who doesn’t interest me half as much as this guy does.

Klaus C-

Klaus is to The Originals what Stefan is to The Vampire Diaries -- the favorite child. All the good plotlines are written for him, and he’s the de fecto lead of the show, but unlike Stefan, Julie Plec doesn’t spoil Klaus and for that reason, unlike Stefan, Klaus doesn’t make me hate him, in fact most of the time I like him. Unfortunately, I wasn’t too impressed with Klaus this week. He was just way too mellow for my taste. Since the moment we first met Klaus way back in The Vampire Diaries, Klaus was the king of stirring the pot, he’s the one who’s always taking action and making the plot happen. This week, he spent most of the episode just reacting while Papa Tunde had all the fun. But the most memorable moment was towards the end when Klaus set out to set his vampires straight with a big, “either join me or leave” speech. When a bunch of his vampires turned away from him, I fully expected Klaus to go bonkers and tear them all into pieces, but he just stood there and allowed them all to walk away. As I watched I was just like, “Whoa! I don’t even know who you are anymore!”

In other news, he saved Marcel from getting killed by Papa Tunde, just barely, and he stood around Cami long enough for the writer’s to try a desperate attempt to get us all to forget all about Klaroline and start shipping Kami, but, nope, sorry, it didn’t work!

Marcel & Cami A- & B

Marcel spends most of this episode sulking, which, while I think he’s deserved this time to grieve, it really wasn’t ripe material for an extraordinary subplot. I will give him this though: even when sulking around like a kid who got his favorite toy taken away he still managed to look super cool doing it.

Marcel and Cami reconnect in this episode while she kept him company as he drowned his sorrows with booze. As much as I like looking at Cami, I usually find her character to be downright tedious. Feisty little human girl who stands up to the big bad monster in the name of human innocence can only hold my interest for so long, even when those girls come with big, round, striking eyes. But this week, I wasn’t as bored with her.

Rebekah A+

Rebekah is always awesome. Even when she spends most of the episode laying like a cold corpse on the ground she’s still awesome. But the best part was when she gave Elijah a piece of her mind when he went full self-righteous d-bag on her. You go girl!

Elijah & Hayley D+ & C

For the past few episodes, Elijah had decided to ditch the suit and just hang out in cool, casual clothes. He spent much of those episodes lingering in the background, stepping forward only to offer words of wisdom and to restore the cool when things get too heated, like he’s some sort of sexy, undead Gandhi. But mostly he took on an attitude of just not giving all that much of a fuck. Two little kids were poisoned by his brother, only a tiny bit of fucks were given, just enough to protect one of them from getting killed; all of New Orleans is engulfed with supernatural-natural disasters, medium fucks were given just for appearances sake; hot girl he’s been leading on throws himself at his feet and zero fucks were given.

I was starting to like this new Elijah, who was just to busy working his special brand of mojo on women everywhere that everything else was just not his division. Cool Elijah had an ability to pull off what Uptight Elijah never did: talk reason without being self-righteous. But now sadly, this week, Elijah’s suit is back and with that returns the stick up his ass and a shit load of fucks. It seems that the suit is the source of all of Elijah’s self righteousness and pompousness, and now that it’s been let out to play, after being stuck in the closet for a few weeks, it’s just bursting with energy. First, he gives Hayley a cop out by telling her that it’s not that he doesn’t want to be with her, it’s that he can’t be with her because he doesn’t want to agitate Klaus. And even in the flashback, the Gilded Age Elijah, was strutting around acting so above it all and looking down his nose at Klaus. When Klaus (rightly) suggested taking care of Papa Tunde, the psychopath, by killing him, or as Klaus puts it “going to war”, Elijah’s all, “War? Violence? Pish Posh! Let’s talk it out like civilized gents!” Right… so says the man who rips people’s hearts right out of their chests without breaking a sweat! But Elijah’s worst moments consisted of him chastising Rebekah for trying to provoke Klaus instead of supporting their crazy ass brother who’d turn on them both in the blink of an eye if he was in the mood. I know all of this was meant to show Elijah’s character as the sensible, noble and mature big brother, but really all it did was show us just how whipped Elijah is by Klaus.

However, Elijah saved himself from knocking his grade completely into the gutter this week by totally going all bad ass on Thierry. That was hot!

As far as Hayley goes I still think she’s a completely dull character, but at least she was useful this week when she lent her blood to Elijah so that her baby, who is turning out to be a melting pot of every single magical creature to ever exist in the show, can help them free Rebekah.

Thierry F

I had such high hopes for Thierry. He was a romantic when we first met him, one who was brave enough to go behind Marcel’s back to date a witch. And clearly he’s done enough to win Marcel’s respect. I was totally rooting for the Rebekah/Thierry alliance. But now suddenly, he’s freed from vampire prison and he turned out to be both an ass and a coward.

"A Dance Back from the Grave" A+

So much blood and gore, for a minute there I thought I was watching American Horror Story. This episode was awesome! If only Papa Tunde could stay longer.

Extra Credit

• While Marcel was serving in the US Army he was also recruiting Papa Tunde to come stir things up for Klaus, so that he could get some quite time alone to bang his sister. Gotta love a kid’s rebellious phase.
• I was going to mention Tyler’s sudden disappearance, but I’ve just found out that during a visit to The Vampire Diaries world, Klaus brought Tyler with him and dropped him off at La Casa De Salvatore in a big red bow and a card that read, “To Caroline, thanks for a great shag! XOXO –K”

Demerits

• I really don’t care about Sabine or Celeste or whoever she is. I also don’t really care what she wants with Klaus, I wish they had sacrificed her instead, so that Papa Tunde could have stayed.
• I'm not interested in Cami enough to really care about the Klaus/Marcel/Cami love triangle. Klaus belongs with Caroline and Marcel belongs with Rebekah, end of story! 
• Apparently I missed a major Klaus and Caroline moment on The Vampire Diaries last Thursday and now Karoline is officially over! How could this have happened? Caroline was supposed to ditch Mystic Falls and come to New Orleans so the two can live happily ever after. Now their story is over and I didn’t even get to see it, because I don’t watch TVD anymore! Lame…
• So what happened to Josh? 

"You can’t dip your pen in company stink."

Your local church fish fry don’t have shit on last night’s episode! Blake tries to save his coy fish friends after the local P.F. Changs closes by transplanting them to the gang’s house pool. He fails and the only way to honor their fallen brethren is to have a fish fry at the office. Unfortunately Alice has broken up with her water jug deliveryman boy toy and is so bummed out that she puts the kibosh on our favorite bros’ deep fried dream.

Hilarity ensues when they try to get her out of her funk with a male striper named Girth Quake and it’s not just a clever name (fans of monster dongs will be eagerly anticipating the unedited DVD edition). Last week we were afraid this show had lost it’s mojo but I am happy to report that they have bounced back with a vengeance after a subpar season premier (check out this post). Read on for full grade cards.

Blake

A+ Blake is overcome by despair when he realizes the chlorine in the pool has killed all the coy. Major points for the hilarious names he’s given them all (i.e. Gilly Nelson) and for his attempted mouth to fish-lip resuscitation. When he compares his penis size to a Lego man I almost pissed myself because he just seems like he’d have a little dick. He also earns quote of the episode honors (see above).

Adam

A- After interviewing various gigolos in an effort to get Alice her groove back, Adam takes matters into his own hands. Jillian helps him spy on the boss lady's YouTube view history, which is the mostly clips of the SNL “Dick in a box” skit, cat vids and hockey fights. He then con-cocks (see what I did there) a master plan. He gets his own dick in a box get up and decides to hide under her desk till morning to surprise her, “when he’s the most hard”.

Anders

B- The coordinated meet up with Girth Quake explodes in everyone’s face so Anders takes one for the team and ends up balls deep in Alice… even if she asks him to add some fingers to make it more pleasurable for her. The love scene is hilarious but mostly because of Alice. Anders goons it up like he always does and the fact Adam is hiding under the desk they’re banging on and hears it all was the cherry on top.

Alice

A+ We see a much more sensitive side of the tough as nails office commander. We find out she’s not just a heartless bitch but just when you think she’s gone soft she OWNS Anders at sex, doing more fucking than getting fucked. Easily the funniest scene I’ve ever seen her do on the show.

“Fry Guys”

A This should have been the season premier. Just when I thought the three horseman of crude college humor had lost a step they kicked it into high gear with gigolos, dead coy battle royals and excessive barfing.  As a result, I am actually looking forward to next week’s episode, which is something I couldn’t say after the season premier

Extra Credit

• Adam explaining why he was prepared for love making with Alice, “When I was a kid I was paid $10 by a man to poop in a pizza box”.
• The guys deep frying all of Montez stuff in retaliation for throwing out the fish before they could be eaten.
• Adam hiding under desk and whipping his bitter tears of defeat away with Anders soiled love Kleenex.

Demerits

• Comedy Central censoring every other word in this episode… twice as many bleeps as usual
• Ridiculously long commercial breaks… is it just me or are they getting worse and worse?