And we have a new Supreme!

"Ladies and gentleman," Myrtle said, "I give you Cordelia Goode, your new Supreme Commander and Galactic Overlord."Then Cordelia's scar tissue leapt off her face and revealed its true identity as a sentient alien being, sent to watch over the witches by their Empress, Connie Britton, who would have come herself but just couldn't get out of the house. Everyone was beamed directly into season four except for Stevie Nicks, who was too busy twirling to notice. 

Well... that could have happened.

I really liked this episode. It had a clear purpose, measurable stakes, three True Deaths(!), and Sarah Paulson looking goddamn radiant. The Seven Wonders trials were a lot of fun, particularly when the ladies began enjoying themselves. Whether it was Zoe and Madison facing off through Kyle or a spirited game of transmutation-tag, AHS reminded us why anyone would even want to be a witch. Although the trials didn't work out so well for Misty or Madison, Cordelia's last-minute steal felt satisfying, particularly in the months afterward, when she showed herself as a natural leader.

Those closing moments - with Cordelia and her council greeting a new generation of witches - felt like something that, on a regular, non-anthology show, would be setting up for a game-changing second season. A season that would probably be stronger, because it would have a clear goal - rebuild the coven - and far fewer characters to muddy up the plot. I feel ungrateful dissing Delphine, Marie, and Fiona, because I should just shut up and appreciate the fact that Kathy Bates, Angela Bassett, and Jessica Lange have deigned to entertain me for the past thirteen weeks. But this season of AHS has been my least favorite, largely because these ladies, even played by such legendary actresses, didn't contribute much to the story. Delphine could have stayed buried all season and literally nothing in the coven would have changed. Marie was a threat for what, three episodes? Before she joined up against the real threat, the witch hunters, who turned out to be so squashable, I wonder why the witches didn't stamp them out in 1850?

As for Fiona... oh, Fiona. In the season's first episode, we see that the coven is in decline. And why is that? Because Fiona is sucking away its lifeblood, and has been for years. If the (very) general goal of the season has been to protect and restore the coven, then the real villain wasn't Hank's dad - it was its own Supreme. Yet the witches didn't battle her until the very end, and I can't quite bring myself to believe that this was a measured choice. 

But enough whining. Wasn't it cool when Cordelia lifted the piano?!

Cordelia

A+

Some people just need a little push. With Myrtle's encouragement, Cordelia breezed through the Supreme trials, made an as-good-as-it's-gonna-get peace with her awful mom, and brought the coven into modern times. It's very True Blood - what happens when witches come out of the coffin coven?

Apparently the fake news producers didn't think the public would see witchcraft as that that big a deal, though, because they put an "UP NEXT: LIZA MINELLI TALKS ABOUT HER HIP" chyron below Cordy's head during her interview. You know what I'd put there? A massive flashing graphic that says "HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS, MAGIC IS REAL!!!!"

Fiona

C

Oh look, Fiona's alive. She pulled off her fake death in exactly the way we'd assumed. Yawn. But in the end, she accepts the end, croaking out a platitude for Delia in her Cryptkeeper skullcap and moving on to that not-very-big knotty pine cabin in the sky. This show has a very existential view of hell - no fire, no torture. Just a Groundhog Day situation with people we already know.

Misty

C

On that note, I am highly displeased that Misty is stuck in hell. I, too, would freak out at the prospect of an endless biology lab. Why does this Wonder come so early in the testing, anyway? She couldn't try talking to rocks first? Oh, Misty. In this show's pretend season two, I've decided that that Cordelia gets you out.

Myrtle

A

I really thought that Myrtle would turn out to be secretly evil. And I guess she was, with all the eyeball-scooping, but if we played by that metric the whole coven should be in jail. Instead, Myrtle gets as close as she ever will to fulfill her early wish to be the Supreme, by fulfilling the Supreme’s most important duty – finding the next one. With that under her belt, it’s time to go: back up in flames, with a truly perfect last word.

Zoe & Madison

B & B

 Is there a better prototype of the frenemy relationship than these two idiots? They act out at each other through their shared boy toy - a boy they created together, no less - with enough sarcasm that you suspect, underneath it all, they kind of love each other. But then Zoe dies, and Madison refuses to bring her back. Bad form. This no please FrankenKyle. FrankenKyle choke Bad Girl. Then I guess Zoe and Kyle live happily ever after, with Kyle serving as a butler in Spalding's old tuxedo. To each their own? 

The Seven Wonders 

A- I forgot to mention that Stevie Nicks opened the Seven Wonders trial with a rendition of the Fleetwood Mac classic of the same name, so anyone who doesn't give this episode an A is a HERETIC.

Extra Credit

• The girls preparing for the trials as Stevie danced through the mansion in a top hat. 
• Misty, obviously, prepared for the trials by twirling.
• Myrtle's oh-so-fancy last supper, and the beautifully shot tableau.
• Queenie's Cordelia-controlled aerobicising.
• Fiona's primal scream upon realizing that the Axeman's cabin is her personal hell: "KNOTTY PIIIIIINNNEEE>!>!>!>????!!!!!"

Demerits

• MISTY DIED. FOR REAL. NOT OK.

Caroline: "You and my brother deserve one another you selfish little pricks, and you will never write a thing that matters because you will never understand the true struggles of humanity because you just slipped right out of your mother's pussy like a nice little golden egg you spoiled little fucking brat."

Hannah
B-

"I've always thought of myself as more chubby than obese."

Attending your recently deceased editor's funeral is the right thing to do. Pumping his widowed beard for publishing contacts after learning your book has been dropped...not so much. There seemed to be a real pattern for Hannah this episode as she flip flopped back and forth from one good decision to one rash not-entirely-great decision. Let's break it down:

• Being proactive in the wake of her ex-publisher abruptly dropping her book is a sign that Hannah has become more motivated in achieving her career goals.
• Cutting her dad off when he tries to tell her about his minor surgery, choosing instead to bitch and moan about unforeseen circumstances and roadblocks that no one is at fault for is a sign that Hannah maybe hasn't matured all that much.
• Attempting to help reconcile her boyfriend and his sister shows that Hannah is actively engaging in the betterment of other people's lives as well as her own.
• Spazzing out at said sister and kicking her out of the apartment after an especially difficult day is perhaps a bit uncalled for... however crazy she may be.

Eek! Girl must have some serious emotional whiplash.

Marnie & Ray
C- & B

Marnie: "I wanted you to tell me what's wrong with me."

RUN, RAY, IT'S A TRAP! Or take full advantage of this moment to satisfy us viewers by highlighting Marnie's most frustrating flaws. Here are a few favs:

"Well, for beginners, you're extremely judgmental."
"And you use people. You use people a lot."
"You're a huge fat-fucking phony."

That last one still makes me smile. I give Marnie a bit of credit for briefly recognizing that the problem isn't other people, but she really only half-asses the whole self-improvement kick. After Ray's truth bombs send her back into her "deep, dank, dark, toxic well of insecurity," Marnie lets Ray pity bang her then rejects his shameful plea for secrecy by acting above him. She'll keep their indiscretion to herself, but Marnie makes it clear that this will be her regretful shag, not his. One step forward followed by eight giant leaps back. 

I find myself thinking this a lot but poor Ray. He does what he's asked then attempts to be the good guy and console Marnie by stroking her ego a bit. And what does he get for it? An unplanned romp in the sack with one of his ex-girlfriend's pseudo-friends who will in no way be cool or not awkward about it. Poor Ray.

Everyone Else
B

Adam: "I don't want to fuck my sister!"
Hannah: "No one is saying you do."
Adam: "Caroline just did!"

While Adam is busy not harboring repressed sexual desires for his sister, Shosh is struggling to catch up on her neglected studies in addition to once again housing a glib Jessa, who is smoking a space cigarette ("It's just water vapor and nicotine and good things like that") and applying for a job at a baby store. At least we're seeing some semblance of a storyline taking shape for Jessa who will quickly lose her appeal if each week we are simple witnesses to her flighty one-liners. As for Adam and Shoshanna, they seem to be settling nicely into their secondary roles as counterparts to Hannah and Ray (or ex-counterparts, but who are they kidding?). Here's hoping their journeys aren't completely overshadowed this season.

"Only Child"
A

Papa Horvath:"We tried three years for you."
Hannah: "Well you're insane, I have to go."

It's troubling when the characters showing the most maturity in an episode of Girls include the naive student, Shosh, and the delusional addict, Jessa. We were sure to see the personal ramifications of David's death on Hannah seep out into other aspects of her life sooner or later and who better to take the brunt of the abuse than Caroline? She's new and arrived with her own storage unit of baggage that Adam has been completely vocal about from the start. And Hannah is so malleable in her weakened state so in some ways, Adam should have seen this coming. I feel like Hannah is about to implode, becoming an unstoppable steamroll of misplaced anger wiping out anyone who stands in her self-pitying way. We can expect Adam to push back, no question, but I'll be curious to see if we get another epic Hannah-Marnie showdown -- fresh off her weird sexcapade with Ray, Marnie might feel just low enough to confront Hannah at the worst possible time ever. I'm just hypothesizing, but the odds are in my favor...

Another solidly constructed and executed episode for this promising third season.

Extra Credit

• Shosh: "Plus, my recent hijinks have really taken a roll on my GPA."Right, because you're in college, which is a fact we do not keep forgetting. Nope. Nice dorm room.
• Adam to Caroline: "You have no drive, no real goals, but somehow tons of opinions."
  Hannah in response: "I just have to say that sounds a lot like you."Nail on the head.
• I could have watched a few more minutes of Moe fan-boying to Hannah during their meeting.

Demerits

• Marnie: "Fine. Don't come see the cutest thing that ever lived. Goodbye."Rude.
• Marnie: "Fuck, how many pairs of underwear do you wear?"Gross.
• Marnie:"Go fuck yourself. Like I'd advertise this."Lesson not learned.

“Seriously, I’ve never met a group of needier people.” – Katherine

In this week’s episode of The Vampire Diaries, everyone had a role to play. Katherine had to play the role of Elena, Caroline had to play the role of the apologetic trollop, Damon had to play the role of someone with a conscience, and Stefan had to play the role of Mr. Feeney from Boy Meets World.

But, now that Katherine has officially overtaken Elena’s body, and Damon has officially decided to start killing for sport again, we’re left with a shaky future for our characters, as well as a lot of burning questions. Like:

• How will Elena get her body back? (By killing Katherine, obviously.)
• Will Damon ever turn his humanity back on? (Duh, as soon as Elena comes back, obviously.)
• Did everyone banish Bonnie because they didn’t like her haircut? (Yes, and that makes them fools, because it’s super cute.)
•  And, who on earth would trust the fate of their existence to a probably homeless chick with crimped hair? (Katherine. Katherine would.)

Katherine

B I could probably watch an entire episode of Katherine hating Elena from literally inside her body, because it’s fantastic. But, as much as I love Katherine, and as kickass her breaking up with Damon using words ripped directly from someone’s Tumblr rant was, I feel like nothing is going to go well for Ms. Pierce from here on out. Trying to get Stefan to fall in love with her as she’s pretending to be Elena is possibly the dumbest idea in the world, and this show is bursting at the seams with dumb-as-shit ideas. I don’t really think she’s thought this one through long-term.

Also, outing Caroline to Tyler moments after saying (quite sincerely) that Caroline was one of the few good people left was such a dick move, but so indicative of Katherine’s character – it doesn’t matter if you’re her best friend in the world, she’s going to do whatever it takes to get what she wants… even if it means throwing you under the sex-with-Klaus-on-a-tree bus.

As much as I hate to say it, I think this is the beginning of the end for our dear Kat, and I need to start working on my Goodbye sonnet now.

Damon

B+ Y’all are going to think I’m Schizophrenic, but I absolutely love Unapologetically Asshole Damon. It’s when he starts the self-pitying whine party that I want to throw heavy things at his head. But UA!Damon is hilarious, confident, fun, and most importantly, not blaming all of his problems on other people. Kudos, Eyeballs McGee! You did it!

Oddly enough, I even enjoyed Damon’s apology to Elena, right up until the point where he started assigning her as the keeper to his humanity, because bro, she’s 18, and nobody got time for all that pressure. When I was 18, I could barely remember to call my boyfriend back, much less put the entire fate of his well-being in my hands. Maybe someday, Damon can figure out how to be a good person without needing someone to make him do it, and until that happens, I’m on Team Single Damon. Hell, I’m on Team Single Everyone. These bitches got Dr. Phil-level issues they need to work out.

Elena

A When Elena wakes up in the middle of a strange ritual involving the opened up corpse of her doppelganger in the center of the room, her first instinct is to start stabbing people, and I really dig that about a girl.

Stefan

A I really need Stefan to have a plotline that isn’t “walk around giving people sage advice like a really attractive Yoda.” That’s not to say that I don’t love wise old Stefan, and his scene with Caroline in particular was super cute (as was his punching of Tyler) but Stefan hasn’t had anything to do but spout off quotes he read in a Chicken Soup for the Teenage Vampire Soul book and dream about drowning in a long time. He deserves more than that.

Also, “Why should we judge people based on who they’re attracted to?” Stefan, I love you, but I was once attracted to a crack dealer on an episode of Cops. Does that mean I should bone him? No, and I fully expect to be judged for it. Really, really judged.

Caroline

A- In other circumstances, I can see how sleeping with the guy that killed your ex-boyfriend’s mom miiiight be a bit of an asshole thing to do, but this is The Vampire Diaries. Literally everyone is a cold-blooded murderer, and they all get to have sex still. Damon killed Matt’s sister and Elena’s brother, and he still gets to have sex (well, not with Elena anymore… but you get it.)  Rebekah tried to kill Matt and Elena, and Matt still got to sleep with her. Stefan and Katherine have killed hundreds of people, and nobody gets mad when they get it on. My point is, everyone on this show sucks a lot, and is kind of a bloodthirsty psychopath, so we can’t hold them to normal people standards. Normal people sex standards would say “Don’t Nail Klaus.” TVD sex standards say “Get It Girl.”

That being said, just like Caroline has every right to give Elena shit for Damon being horrible, others have a right to give her shit for Klaus being horrible. Neither Caroline nor Elena are bad people. They just make back-asswards judgement calls when it comes to who to let in their lady business. 

Bonnie

A Now that Katherine has assumed Elena’s body, it’s inevitably going to be up to you to figure out how to fix it. We’re back to that old game of “Something bad’s happened, let’s pretend to be friends with Bonnie.” So, uh, get prepared.

Tyler

B- Sorry about that one time your ex-girlfriend nailed your nemesis and then you got punched in the face.

"The Devil Inside"

B- Not going to lie, pretty bored by this episode. It seemed full of sloppily tied loose ends (“My parents trust came through and I cut off Augustine’s funding, surprise!”) and things that made no sense (how did Enzo know where Damon lived, and why are all of these characters that have literally been separated from the real world for hundreds of years so easily assimilated into modern culture?) and lacked the spark that last week’s episode had.

Extra Credit

• “Play along with my secret, Matty-Pants.” Katherine treats Matt like a puppy, and I love it.
• “Who do I love most, Bonnie or Caroline? Please say Caroline, please say Caroline.”

Demerits

• When Matt said he was going to “Invite some people” to Tyler’s party, I scoffed because these kids have, like, 4 friends combined. Apparently Matt put an ad out on Craigslist.
• No, really. How do these children buy so much booze? It’s not like they live in NYC where they’re just faces in a crowd. They live in a tiny-ass bumblefuck town in the middle of Virginia. Everyone knows everyone. Someone is going to notice that A) no one is at college B) nobody has parents and C) these 18 year olds are literally just wandering around town with alcohol at 2pm on a Sunday and NOBODY BATS AN EYELASH. Is it too much to ask for my CW show about vampires to be realistic?

Remember the  ‘Save Greendale Committee’ which is what the study group is now? Well they are doing things! All of the things! Hanging bulletin boards, talking about a fake Game of Thrones and poorly picking a dance theme. It’s basically the aftermath of an emotional goodbye to Troy. Like the weekend after the wedding of one of your best friends or the episode that aired after ‘The Rains of Castamere’ it just can’t live up to the hype. That’s okay for Community though, just like you and I after an experience that seems so profound and poignant we often do our best soul-searching and rebuilding. That’s what we’re doing this episode, one corkboard at a time.

Annie & Hickey

B & BIs it just me or do we see Annie more often than not trade her moral compass for a seat on the high speed immoral rail (probably created by Richard Branson)? Here, once again, we are treated to our delicate, formerly drug-addled flower heading down a slippery slope. This time into the seedy world of politics, at her side is Professsor Hickey a no nonsense former cop who makes a much better foil for this plot than Pierce would. Their goal? To mount (giggle) a new corkboard in the cafeteria, Hickey shirks the responsibility leading Annie to quite the dance committee and show him how a real control-freak gets things done. She does get it done, by giving favors (get your head out of the gutter, there’s not enough room for mine) and essentially defeating the honorable reasons she had for the corkboard in the first place.

Hickey of course wants no part in any of this having seen his share of corruption as both a cop and professor and ultimately stops Annie by ratting her out to the Dean. It’s always entertaining to see Annie get neurotic, and I am always up for an interesting pairing of characters; HOWEVER, I don’t feel like this was anything special. It didn’t have the tinge of sweetness that Annie and Pierce always had and it definitely didn’t sizzle with chemistry like the best Jannie mashups. What we’re left with is a little Pinocchio and Jiminy Cricket, which works if Hickey is really the mentor he’s shaping up to be for Annie. Perhaps Jiminy Hickey can turn this girl into a real criminologist… if she just follows her conscience.

Abed & Britta

A & CI feel you both this episode. Like Abed I hate nothing more than the person that reads AHEAD in a series and SPOILS major plot points for those who choose to enjoy something in it’s purest form: television (FYI -- TWO OF MY BEST FRIENDS RUINED GOT FOR ME THIS PAST WEEKEND. YOU KNO WHO YOU ARE). I also can’t stand the person who is clearly far ahead of you in a show and must tell you what happens RUINING your Netflix binge. Folks, there are few things as sacred as Netflix and I still haven’t seen Breaking Bad so don’t mess this up for me. Regardless this really serves as a way to get Abed into some heavy-duty headphones (BigAzzBeatz by Dre?) his way of avoiding Britta’s spoilers. Which leads to the real thrust of this tale: Abed meets a deaf girl. They have chemistry; we are all instantly struck with the fear that we’ll never see her again a’ la’ gas leak season. This turns out to be true but with the sweetest twist of all time, though Britta spoils the show and deaf girl breaks Abed’s heart we get what we’ve been waiting for: The RETURN OF BRIE LARSON. Yes, I am a huge proponent of the relationship between Abed and Rachel (I will never use the word 'shipper' like it's a real thing) and am always excited to see Abed grow emotionally. Britta on the other hand just Britta’d things this episode. Being the worst is her average (but she can be so much more).

Jeff, Chang, Shirley & Duncan

F'sThis was a long-con of a joke that literally had no payoff. Too many characters that nobody cares about when it could have been a chance to really develop Jeff and Shirley’s too often neglected relationship. The inclusion of old/new faces to fill the void left by Troy and Pierce works with Hickey but is on definite shaky ground with Chang and Duncan. It’s sort of like watching Cruella Devil pet Dalmatians… it’s a redemption story that no one’s rooting for.

"Analysis of Cork Based Networking"

BA solid-B effort, if this was season 4 maybe it would have been higher but to be honest, and hold your breath Harmonites, I liked episodes of Season 4 more than this. Perhaps it’s the lack of Troy and Pierce but maybe it’s something more. I detected the slightest air of ‘what do we do now?’ wafting off this episode and even for Community, a show that can pull off almost anything … it’s not a good look.

Extra Credit

• Britta: No, come back! Let's be fat dogs about this!
• Dean: Man, this got Sorkin-y.
• Dean: My god, Annie, what kind of labyrinth have you created? Certainly not the magic kind with puppets and macho rock stars.
• Hickey: Welcome to the labyrinth, kid--only there ain't no puppets or bisexual rock stars down here.
• Crazy Schmidt: There you go, that should happen in six to eight business months.
• Annie: The midterm dance will need a visual theme. Like, 'Let's blow off steam,' and it's trains!
  Chang: I have an idea!
  Annie: Chang, your last idea was to murder.

Ron: "Come on. There has never been a sadness that can’t be cured by breakfast food."
Leslie: "That’s fair."

Alright, I’m hoping by now that we’ve all surfaced from our own personal ocean of tears (thanks, Tom Petty) long enough to talk about this week’s episode. “Ann and Chris” was an experiment in how many different ways the writers could rip our still-beating hearts out of our chest and pass them around like the world’s saddest hockey pucks. AKA, Chris and Ann were saying their goodbyes to Pawnee.

Ann & Leslie

A & A

“Oh Ann Perkins, you perfect sunflower.”–Leslie Knope

Ann and Leslie’s dynamic on the show has always been one of the most endearing aspects of Parks and Rec. A strong, loving, respectful friendship between two women is rare in TV, and it always made sense to me that Leslie Knope would be the one woman to have it.  Leslie and Ann are all about building each other up, be it through giving adorable nicknames (like beautiful tropical fish) or making the perfect wedding dress in one night for your impatient best friend.

This episode did justice to the unconditional support they give each other. It’s also worth mentioning that in any other instance, the two women chasing around politicians and making deals in the middle of the night would have an urgent, stressful quality, but this episode savored it. This was Ann and Leslie’s last adventure together, and they loved it.

Side note, I was so glad they brought the KickAss hats back (albeit, an improved version). I can’t be the only one who was hoping for that.

Chris & Ben

A & A

“I told him ‘One Headlight’ by The Wallflowers isn’t dancing music, and he said ‘Not with that attitude!’” –Ann Perkins

That quote perfectly encapsulates what I will miss the most about Chris: his puppy-dog enthusiasm. It is LITERALLY contagious. Chris and Ben’s friendship has never been as prominently showcased as Leslie and Ann’s, but it’s always been just as powerful. It makes complete sense that Ben would want to give Chris a meaningful going-away present, and just as much sense that Chris would know it was his idea.  

April

BI totally get that not conventionally showing love is April’s thing, and yes it’s hilarious that the bag she packed for Ann is full of bras, knives and loose onions, but she was such a jerk for two-thirds of the episode. She absolutely redeemed herself by spending a portion of the night trying to help Leslie open the park grounds, and with her goodbye to Ann, but I’m still a bit raw about it. So she gets a B.

Donna

A+Donna, you are perfect. Keep grabbin’ ass and don’t change.

Ron, Tom, Andy

A, B & B

Oh boys. You would be terrible at gift giving; I’m not even a little shocked. Ron at least gets an ‘A’ for building the buddy box at the end. The rest of you get ‘B’s, because you’re adorable and your hearts were in the right place. I still love you.

Larry

FExcept for you, Larry. You can’t even put your own initials on a box correctly? ‘F’ for you, moron. Get it together.

“Ann and Chris”

A-

This episode was a gorgeously done send-off to a pair of beloved characters. It was smart not to have Ann and Chris in many scenes together; they’re spending the rest of their lives with each other, their last few days should be spent saying goodbye to what they’re leaving behind. And ending the episode with Tom Petty’s “Wildflowers” was beautiful. Here’s a taste of some of the lyrics:

You belong among the wildflowers,
You belong in a boat out at sea.
You belong with your love on your arm,
You belong somewhere you feel free.

Parks and Recreation hasn’t used non-diegetic music before, so it’s all the more meaningful that they chose a song that reads like a love note from Leslie to Ann. “Among the wildflowers”, like Leslie’s favorite spot: the wildflower mural on the second floor. With her “love on her arm”: because she’s leaving with Chris. And letting her go “somewhere she feels free”: near her family, far away from Pawnee, in a healthy environment for her unborn baby. If you have time, the rest of the lyrics are worth looking up. It’s a perfect song for their exit and an excellent choice by the creators.

Extra Credit

• A taste of some of Leslie’s 103 scrapbooks for Ann:
  Ross and Rachel
  Kelly Clarkson Concerts
  First Text
  Thoughts on Sam Waterston
• Scrapbooks Leslie probably made for Ann:
  An Illustrated Guide to Joe Biden
  Alphabetized Compilation of Adorable Nicknames
  Our First State of the Union Together
• “I wish you guys were Donna!” I wish this all the time!
• I have no idea why I love Orin so much. His cameo made my day.
• I’m still trying to decide if I’d like a Leslie Knope party over a Liz Lemon party. Though a Liz Lemon party is mandatory, so I may not have a choice in the matter.
• “Okay, I didn’t plan what we were all going to say, let’s go.”
• Leslie can’t watch Julie Andrews before bed, and Chris has to have chia-stuffed figs when he gets cranky. “Wow, we really picked some intense people to be with.”
• “I am going to kiss you now, by putting my mouth on your mouth.” That is exactly how I’ve always imagined a date with Perd would go.
•  “Unfettered Power”: Another great band name.

Demerits

• I get that April loves (to hate) Ann, but she was such an asshat at the beginning of the episode.
• I need me some more Donna. With Ann and Chris gone, can we please give her more screen time?!

Best Jerry/Gary/Larry Dig

• “And look! You can almost see my head!”
• His initials are now GJLGG. So sad.

And that’s all the Parks there is… until Feb 27^th! What did you guys think was the best Ann/Chris goodbye? 

“Anything beautiful is worth getting hurt for.” –Prince
“Well, that’s very well put.” –Jess
“You know who said that?”–Prince
“No.” –Jess
“Me.”–Prince

Apparently one of the perks of being best friends with a model is that you get invited to parties at Prince's house. And if you have four doofus guy friends, they will find a way to sneak into said party at any cost. The festivities came as a much needed distraction for Nick, who had recently told Jess that he loved her and received only awkward finger guns from her in return.

For some strange reason, Prince took a shine to the lovely Jess (maybe quirky attracts quirky?) and offered her some Mr. Miyagi-style lessons in love complete with homemade pancakes, a fashion show/makeover montage, a game of ping pong, and a conversation with a butterfly. It's Prince's house, just go with it.

Jess

A

“Nick, I never thought I’d say this, but, I need to be alone with Prince.” –Jess

How is it that the girl who loves glitter and rainbows and happiness can't tell the man of her dreams that she loves him? It came as quite a shock, no doubt, that Nick was the first to utter the 'L' word and an even greater shock that Jess didn't immediately say it right back. I'm pretty sure finger guns and a panic attack are not the quickest way to a man's heart. But I kind of love the role reversal that we've seen in Nick and Jess before, and it gives Jess much more depth as a character to show her fear of professing her love to Nick even when she knows she loves him. Thankfully, Prince knocked some sense into her and convinced her to overcome her fears and tell Nick how she feels. One thing she's not afraid of? Singing on stage with Prince. Yeah, that was pretty awesome.

Nick

A

“Jess is with Prince! And I’ve been drinking.”–Nick

Nick has come a long way from that grumpy, brokenhearted turtle man we'd come to know and love. Telling Jess that he loves her was a huge step and I'm so glad he got to say it first. Sure, he panicked and tried to take the 'I Love You' back after she didn't immediately reciprocate, but that involved sneaking into Prince's party by way of a super model Trojan Horse (you know, where you hide amongst a bunch of models as they walk past the bouncer at a party? Genius.) Nick's reaction to meeting Prince was priceless as was his drunkenly inadvertent cock blocking of Winston and Coach at the party.

Schmidt & Cece

A-&A-

“Prince is terrible at Frisbee. There’s like ten of these things up there.”–Schmidt upon finding several purple Frisbees in the hedges

Clearly we are being groomed for a #Schmece reunion in the near future. These two have been getting friendlier and friendlier over the last few episodes and Cece's willingness to let Schmidt bury his face in her bosom on the dance floor to hide from the bouncer was all too eager. I love it though, I'd be glad to see them back together... except for the fact that it then makes this show all about couples, which could be annoying. But at least they're entertaining couples! Schmidt climbed up and then crashed down from a hedge to get into the party and Cece stayed behind to kick Prince's ass at ping pong. How many couples can say that?

Winston & Coach

A&A

“Sometimes they say it back, sometimes they don’t. I mean, it’s like a numbers game.” –Winston on his method of loudly blurting out 'I Love You' to women.

“What, you’ve never been turned on by gas mileage before?” –Coach

Okay, these two are not a couple (at least, I don't think they are...) but they sure do work well together. Last episode they teamed up for a bake-off and this time around they pulled off an expertly rehearsed scam to get themselves admitted to Prince's highly secure house party. Their plan, dubbed 'Fire and Ice' was an ingenious display of role play that would have gotten them laid by some hot chicks as well if it weren't for drunk Nick.

Prince

A+

“Oh, how rude of me, I haven’t given you enough time to freak out yet. You may do so now.”–Prince

There's no denying that Prince is a weird dude, but what better place to let his freak flag fly than on a show that touts its 'adorkableness'? I was surprised at what a solid acting performance Prince delivered. If only we could all have a heart-to-heart with Prince about our love lives over pancakes. I wouldn't be surprised if this led to a love advice show hosted by Prince. Oh man, I would totally watch that.

"Party Time"

AI have no idea what prompted Prince's post-Super Bowl guest starring appearance on the show, but I am grateful that it happened. What a kooky string of events! And it wouldn't have worked on any other show on television. I hope this wackadoo episode brings in new fans with this special time slot, but to channel Nick Miller, don't forget who loved it first!

Extra Credit

• The guys look so snazzy all dressed up in their suits for Prince's party!
• Nick's sad attempt to recreate Winston and Schmidt's 'Fire & Ice' with his own half-baked 'Ham and Cheese' plan.
• “He’s tenacious. He’s definitely going to be back.”–Schmidt's excuse to stay cuddled up with Cece
• “So I’m not familiar with this term ‘finger guns.’ Can you elaborate?”–Prince
• “You’ll be replaced by robots before you can say frajicalilistic!”–Nick to the models Winston and Coach were chatting up.
• Nick's face when he sees Jess return to the party after her Prince-tervention
• This is how all conversations should go after a party at Prince's house:

“Jess, how did you know the words?” –Coach
“I think Prince is magic.”–Jess
“I’ve always thought prince was magic!” –Nick
“Where do we go from here?”–Winston
“How do we move on from this? Do we just go to work tomorrow?”–Schmidt"
"Wait, where's Cece?"–Jess

And also this:

Demerits

• The Ford Fusion product placement. Ugh. I hate it when they try to incorporate the ad into the character's personality. Would Coach really be that into a Ford Fusion? It made me lose respect for Coach, which is not cool.

Lord Grantham wasn’t the only guy shocked this week – last night’s Downton Abbey jumped out from behind the fainting couch and surprised us all with a return to form.

Uncle Harold wrote from America to say he’s up a creek, and Lady Edith got a letter telling her she’s up the stick. Evelyn Napier and his boss, Mr. Blake, arrived to study the downfall of the aristocracy, and Cousin Rose introduced coordinated the birth of jazz at Downton.

Alfred embraced change as he headed off to the Ritz, and Daisy fought it, watching him go. Mr. Bates and Anna tried to pretend everything was the same, and Mr. Molesley dealt with his new-old role. But Thomas – good ol’ Thomas is as conniving as ever, blackmailing Baxter into sharing Downton’s secrets.

In honor of Jack Ross and his London band, let’s see who made beautiful music and who just made noise.

Dowager Countess and Mrs. Crawley A- & B+

“How you hate to be wrong.”
“I wouldn’t know – I’m not familiar with the sensation.”

After the DC fires young Pegg for stealing her letter opener, Mrs. Crawley raised hell against injustice. Mrs. Crawley snuck into the drawing room (cue the mischief music) and found the letter opener, pulling it like Excalibur from the chair cushions.

Then, like Mr. Darcy before her (or was Elizabeth too prejudiced and Mr. Darcy is too proud? Ah, I can’t remember…) Isobel assumed the Dowager Countess hadn’t righted the wrong. Our favorite fearless grannie, however, had already apologized to Pegg and hired him back. In the words of Dr. Clarkson: game, set, and match to the DC.

My two best ladies had another banner week, with Isobel tasking Violet with being a better person, and Violet challenging her to be a better judge of character.

Lord Grantham A-

Happy birthday, Lord Grantham! He didn’t have much to do this week, but he offered to help Edith search for Michael Gregson, and he embraced the black jazz singer birthday surprise. Plus, he offered to foot the bill! Keep it up, G money.

Lady Mary A

Mary’s back, bitches! All she needed was some time, a rallying cause, and a man to fight-flirt with. Mr. Blake has Mary all wrong – she will fight for Downton, and I can’t wait to see her battle plans.

(Sadly, someone needs to loan Evelyn Napier their copy of “She’s Just Not That Into You.”)

Lady Edith B

Based on my Season 1 hatred, I never thought I’d say this, but Edith does not deserve all this bad karma. Not only has her man disappeared, but she found out the heat from her adult sleepover started baking a bun in her unmarried oven. She also voiced the heartbreaking knowledge that she’s not her father’s most darling girl.

It would be wise to confide in her mother, but you can’t blame Edith for not wanting to go from sad misfit to shame of the family. I hope Michael Gregson isn’t dicking her over – here’s hoping he turns up soon, still wanting to be a husband and father.

Tom Branson B

“You see, Tom – things can happen at Downton that no one imagined, even a few years ago.”

Tom seems pretty set on heading to America, but I hope Mrs. Crawley and Lady Mary are convincing enough to make him stay, for the show’s sake. I loved that moment between the three of them in the nursery – all learning to embrace their grief as a symbol of the great love they experienced. [It also made me realize I’ve been dating all the wrong people… can't say I was ever so in love I forgot I wasn't wearing a coat.]

Tom seems convinced that he can’t build a life at Downton, since he can’t marry into that class level again, and he can’t bring an Irish working girl to live with the Crawleys. It was an interesting reminder that while a lot changed with the war, it’s still the 1920s, and they have a long way to go.

Cousin Rose & Jack Ross B+ & A-

It’s a little ironic that mousy Edith is pregnant, while Cousin Rose is going to dance halls and making out with musicians with no apparent consequences. Like all college freshmen before her, Rose is a great example of the pitfalls of giving sudden independence to a previously sheltered and restricted teen.

Rose seems headstrong enough to blow past that wilting look Mary gave her upon discovering her swapping spit with Jack Ross, but I doubt society and her family are free enough let this one slide.

As for Mr. Ross… if someone doesn’t get this guy a neti pot to clear out his sinuses, I’m going to jam a coat hanger through my eardrums.

Mr. Bates & Anna B & B+

“I’m sorry…I was a fool to think we could leave it behind.”

Anna planned a nice dinner out for her and Mr. Bates, and with their victory over the snobby maitre d, I had high hopes for their evening. Unfortunately, Anna accurately called out Mr. Bates – he thinks of her as a victim, ignoring her strength. He blames himself, of course, and he can’t rest until he has avenged his lady. It’ll take time, but these two will get over it, right? RIGHT?

Mr. Barrow & Miss Baxter C+ & A-

Don’t get me wrong, I love Thomas, but sometimes he crosses over from enjoyably conniving into legit villain territory. Why must he blackmail Miss Baxter into betraying her ladyship’s trust, which will surely get her into a heap of trouble?

Miss Baxter seems like a lovely person – I hope she gets out from under his yoke.

Mr. Carson & Mr. Molesley B+ & B+

“And don’t forget the gloves.”

Mr. Carson and Mr. Molesley finally got over their pride this week, with some good-natured interference by Mrs. Hughes and Mrs. Patmore. Molesley is back at Downton, albeit as a footman, but based on Alfred’s plug for Mr. Carson, he’ll be treated well.

Alfred A

Good for Alfred for making it into cooking school at the Ritz! I wonder if, like Gwen before him, he’ll pop up north of The Wall…

He parted nicely with Daisy, Ivy learned to appreciate his virtue, and he delivered a heartwarming speech about Mr. Carson.

Godspeed, Alfred – I agree with Mary: hope we see you back at Downton as a famous chef.

"Episode 5" A-

I was pleasantly surprised by this episode: a few set-up storylines came to fruition with Edith’s baby and Cousin Rose getting frisky with Jack Ross, and Mr. Blake is just the man we needed to spice things up. I’ll take him over passive-aggressive prick Lord Gillingham any day. I don’t want to jinx it, but I think Season 4 is back in the game.

Extra Credit

• Mrs. Hughes, Mrs. Patmore, and Ivy’s reaction to Jimmy trying to get frisky – obviously no man should want those things before they’re married [crickets…].
• Thomas telling Alfred not to do anything he wouldn’t do, and Mrs. Patmore’s quip about that giving him plenty of leeway, made me chuckle.
• Please tell me Jack and Rose were so named because their relationship is doomed to sink like the Titanic.

Demerits

• Daisy is being downright unreasonable. Have some pride!

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Sherlock's world is populated by exceptional individuals, whether distinguished by their intelligence (Mycroft and Sherlock) or capacity for forgiveness (John and Molly). "His Last Vow" introduces two new characters into the mix: Charles August Magnussen and Mary Watson.

Mary Watson

F Obviously, Mary is not a new character, having been introduced in the season premier as John's fiancee. However, in "His Last Vow" showrunner Steven Moffat rewrites everything we know about the character. It turns out that Mary is not who John and Sherlock think she is: she's a contract killer.

Let's break that down. Mary Watson has been lying to John's face since the moment they met. Not only is she neither an orphan nor a Brit, she made a living by killing people for the CIA. Lots of people. Presumably, given what I know about the CIA, some decent people. Probably a democratically elected leader or two. If you think about it for more than a second, she makes Walter White look like Hal Wilkerson.

And to make things worse, John forgives her because she looks so sad and he loves her... or he's addicted to danger or some such bullshit.

That's not even the end of it. Sherlock, our hero, shoots an unarmed man in the head in order to protect her. And then, he's forgiven. Yes, Magnussen is a sadistic blackmailer, but Mary is, by any reasonable standard, a mass murderer and could probably be seen as a war criminal. 

Maybe I'm being uncharitable, but I don't think Moffat has any intention of transforming Sherlock into a damning critique of England's "special relationship" with the United States. If I'm wrong, I'll admit that this episode made a little more sense. I will continue that I think it's a huge mistake. A show that has succeeded so far as light adventure fluff should probably not turn all its heroes into villains and begin asking hard questions about the geopolitical consequences of the UK and US's relationship.

That is the only possible way to interpret this whole situation in a good light. The next best thing is to assume that he didn't think too hard about this situation, chalk it up to bad writing, and move on.

John Watson

B Much of "His Last Vow" revolves around John Watson's supposed addiction to danger. It's apparently what led him to Afghanistan, makes him such a good match for Sherlock, and attracted him to Mary in the first place. It's something that Moffat made up to justify John eventually forgiving Mary for killing so many people and then lying to him about it.

It also turns him into John Watson: action hero for a few minutes for no reason. He brutally and efficiently takes out a drug addict who is threatening him with a knife, spraining his arm in the process. That's definitely not the John Watson I've watched in previous episodes of the show. He's been charming, loyal, and interested in adventure, but he's never shown any signs of an addiction to danger, especially not to the point of staying married to a confessed mass-murderer.

Freeman, as always, is good in the role, but there's not much he can do to salvage what he's been given.

Sherlock

B Benedict Cumberbatch can't save the material either. His Sherlock has always been something of a jerk, completely unable to empathize or understand normal human feelings. However, he's always been the good guy. However, "His Last Vow" discards both aspects of Sherlock's character.

It turns out that he has such a good understanding of human feelings that he has been able to simulate a long-term, loving relationship with Magnussen's secretary.

He also gives up any reasonable claim to being a hero when he kills Magnussen. Sure, he's doing it to protect John's wife and he's a blackmailer, but she's a cold-blooded killer who recently shot him in the chest.

Oh, he also dies and then brings himself back to life through force of will. So there's that.

"His Last Vow"

C+ What a mess. Even setting aside character inconsistencies, overuse of broad caricature, and a poorly calibrated moral compass, the episode is still poorly constructed.

It's centerpiece is an interminable sequence in which Sherlock goes into his "mind palace" in order to survive being shot. It's not terribly done, but it lags a bit and there's no real suspense at a time when episode should be kicking into gear, though the bits with Moriarty are quite creepy.

It's denouement is also interminable, cross-cutting between two different conversations between John and Mary, which slows the story to a snail's pace. After that, there's the final confrontation with Magnussen, which feels tacked on. And after that, there are more goodbyes as Sherlock is sent to become an undercover agent doomed to die. And after THAT, there's a final twist that brings Sherlock back, having just left. This episode has almost as many endings as Return of the King.

Extra Credit

• Bill Wiggins is played by Tom Brooke, who looks so distractingly familiar because of his role as a Frey on Game of Thrones.
• Moriarty's back somehow.

Demerits

• I'm pretty sure that mind palaces don't actually work the way Moffat and co. seem to think they do.
• That being said, I can't handle hearing the phrase 'mind palace' again.
• Same goes for 'high-functioning sociopath'.
• The less said about Sherlock's theory that Magnussen was wearing Google Glass, the better.

Ted

BTed and Robin searched for Barney while walking on the shore of the beach (unfortunately they did not dig any sandcastles in the sand). And while the flashbacks of Ted’s attempts to desperately locate the locket for Robin proved fruitless, he still shared a heart-breakingly honest moment with Robin about his feelings and how his unrequited love for her now lead to his future in Chicago designing penis buildings. Ted ultimately let Robin go, this time by choice, but it is still clear he feels some searing pain over the loss. He definitely isn’t where he needs to be yet, but for actually taking the first step forward into putting Robin behind him, Ted gets a B.

Robin

DWhat’s frustrating about Robin is her ability to be such a good friend but at the same time her complete unawareness to how she influences her friend’s emotions. Yes, Ted is still madly in love with you. Yes, Ted's unrequited love pushed him to move to Chicago since he couldn't stand seeing you married to Barney. Yes, Viktoria ranks pretty high on Ted's top five, but Slutty Pumpkin deserves a little more credit than number 3. For a woman whose job is to dig up the truth, why is it so hard for Robin to face the facts? For being either completely unaware or apathetic to Ted's feelings (and quite possibly both), Robin gets a D.

Marshall

B+Marshall defines his life by wins and losses. He won when he met Lily, and he lost when the Vikings missed the last second field goal in the 1998 NFC Championship. But marriage isn't about who trumps who or who can't read basic wind resistance patterns to kick an accurate field goal. It's a partnership, where each win and loss is collectively shared by all teammates involved. Lily made the sensible decision to come back and stay in New York, giving Marshall what he wants. But for finally understanding that having a strong and open union with his wife is what he needs, Marshall gets a B+.

Lily

BGhost Lily and Lily from seven years ago aided Marshall in his introspective journey to figure out what went wrong. But when only until the real Lily showed up did she give Marshall a much needed dose of soul-searching. Lily finally figured out that Italy was unrealistic, and while she seemed a little bit defeated when admitting New York makes sense, it didn't really seem to be where her heart lies. She may have to give up her fantasy of living on the Italian coast, but for figuring out that the reality of living with Marshall and Marvin is a much better scenario, Lily gets a B.

Barney

AIt was only until The Mother had a twelve second conversation with Barney did he realize he truly wanted Robin. But Barney finally took his final step in giving up the swinging life with a booze-filled, "Van Wilder"-esque night with two down-on-their-luck wannabe ladies men. Through Barney's slurred tutelage to his confused yet entranced padawans was the Player King of New York City able to finally retire from The Game and pass the playbook onto two much more deserving lads. He may have had a legendary run at the single life, but for figuring out that having a legendary marriage is even better, Barney gets an A.

"Sunrise"

BDespite the unwelcome resurgence of Ted's love for Robin, "Sunrise" was a heartwarming display of the gang's need to let go to get where they really belong.

Extra Credit:

• I was hoping that Barney would pass out and his two womanizing pupils would have had to carry him around a la "Weekend at Bernie's" mode. But Barney's last drunken quip of "nothing is truly legendary unless your friends are there to see it" was a good enough ending for me.
• Why wouldn't Ted's parents just purchase him another balloon if he was so heartbroken about losing it? Maybe they were trying to teach him a lesson about responsibility, but at the same time they probably planted the psychological seeds for Ted's longing of things that have long passed. Thanks a lot Mrs. Mosby. 
• With Hamond Druther's reputation in building both penis and "clamshell" shaped buildings, I wouldn't be surprised to see he was the architect of this beauty from "The Naked Gun" series.

Demerits

• I couldn't help but laugh when Robin started floating away like the balloon. While HIMYM never stops short on the sentimentality, this definitely felt forced. I honestly thought she was going to get caught in a jet turbine.
• I've read theories that both Ted and The Mother and Barney and Robin get divorced, and Ted's whole conversation with his children is him asking for their permission to pursue Aunt Robin. While that would be interesting from a plot point of view, it would completely erode all the progress the characters have made throughout the course of the series. Again, it's just a theory, but if Ted tries to end up with Robin again, I will go completely bananas.

I knew not to doubt Adam Reed. After a few weeks of passable, if unremarkable episodes, "House Call" is a magnificent resurgence of the fast-paced, joke-dense, completely insane Archer of old. It's an episode that has everything I love about this show: unbelievably immoral characters, absurdly esoteric references, and the most complicated puns ever conceived.

"House Call" begins with the ISIS crew planning something of an intervention for Pam, except that none of them seem to have a firm grasp of the concept. Mallory seems to think that murdering Pam by feeding her a cake made with five pounds of cocaine is close enough, while Krieger suggests injecting the second generation of his mind control chip into her brain. Of course, his plan goes off the rails immediately. Pam hulks out and kidnaps Cheryl, Mallory is shot with a tranquilizer dart, and Special Agent Holly shows up to investigate last week's Yakuza incident. That's only eight minutes in. Hold onto your Minatel terminals. Archer is back.

Pam & Cheryl

A

After being tied up, Pam goes all Queen Kong and makes Cheryl her Esmerelda. I know Cheryl's mixes some metaphors this episode, but she's turned on by this (as usual). Pam and Cheryl are probably the two funniest characters and this episode uses them really well. There's no real emotional arc for these two, the way there is for Archer and Lana, but who cares. When the episode ends, Krieger's chip has transformed Cheryl into Cherlene, complete with country music clothes, mannerisms, and an acoustic guitar that she's just sort of dragging around.

Archer & Lana

A- Archer and Lana have the quietest storyline this week. Basically, all they do is guard the cocaine. Lana contemplates fleeing and Archer reveals that he's more concerned about her safety and that of her child than he normally lets on. Archer rattles off quite the list of possible pregnancy complications, including Gerd, which sounds far too scary to Google, even if only to learn how it's spelled.

Even though we know she won't run, Archer's offer to help her is quietly nice, almost selfless. Of course, it's tempered by his soliciting blow and/or rimjobs as a thank you, but you can't have it all. In spite of how that last sentence ended, Archer has become a much better person as the show has gone on, to the point that he rarely provides the comedic backbone of an episode anymore. Instead, he's become the show's emotional center, a man trying to metaphorically suck some of the poison out of his most messed up relationships.

Krieger & Cyril

A While Krieger and Cyril can become annoying when overused, "House Call" hits the sweet spot on their screen time. Sending them on a wild-Pam hunt is a great way to give them just the right number of quick zingers. The best is unquestionably when Cyril discovers that it would take Krieger about thirty seconds to get Ray walking again and Krieger responds that his time in the wheelchair will make him so much happier when his mobility is returned. Also, Krieger is able to confirm that yes, Cyril did smell a skeleton.

Agent Holly

A- Agent Holly is definitely one of my favorite antagonists that ISIS has ever had to face. It looks like he's going to be playing Barry role this year. Like Barry, he's an extremely strange guy who will try to stop Archer at every turn, but Holly throws out everything I didn't like about Barry (cyborg stuff, Other-Barry) and replaces it with something more important. Unlike Barry, Agent Holly is already a fully drawn, intriguing individual. Even though there's a lot of bluster and silliness, Holly has a sadness at his core. He injures his rotator cuff trying to break down a door, delivers the most awkward exit line ever, and seriously asks himself if a door is made of mithril (a callback to the episode in which ISIS goes to space to help Bryan Cranston). Holly is a nerd who isn't able to match up with the image of a tough FBI agent he has in his head. Of course, this deep, realistic sadness helps him fit right into the extremely damaged Archer crew far better than Barry ever did. I'm quite excited to see where this season takes Agent Holly.

"Archer Vice: House Call"

A "House Call" was unquestionably the best episode of the season so far. While it might not be quite on the level of "Lo Scandolo" (then again, what is?) "House Call" is the most perfectly plotted, paced, and executed episode of Archer I've seen in years. While I liked the fourth season more than most, it felt nothing like the glory days of the show. "House Call" on the other hand, manages to bring back everything that made Archer one of the best comedies on television while maintaining some of the new energy brought out by the drug cartel conceit. There's no Archer back until after the Olympics, but I'm very excited for "Southbound and Down".

Extra Credit

• Oh man this episode had a callback to Lenn Trexler and the bunny in Season Two. I forgot all about that! Awesome.
• "You could be famous""Or I could be lettuce!"
• "And I’m not a doctor, well, I’m definitely a doctor, so I think we’re good now. Yep, yep, yep."
• "Maybe that’s why the colored maids never felt safe in this place. There they’d be polishing a spittoon or whatever. And suddenly, grandpa!"

Demerits

• "Said Ripley to the android Bishop" wasn't funny, even though the joke was that it wasn't funny.
• "It's somewhat like the old gypsy woman said"didn't really do it for me.

Did You Know?

• A metric tonne is equal to 2204.6 pounds.
• The only countries that still use the imperial system of measurement are the United States, Burma, and Liberia
• Thomas Corwin Mendenhall was a self-taught physicist involved in the modernization of Japan and the formation of Ohio State University.
• Lou Ferrigno, who portrayed The Incredible Hulk in the 70s, is lost 75 to 80 percent of his hearing as a child.
• K-Y Jelly may have been invented in Kentucky.
• Progeria is a rare genetic disorder that causes the appearance of early aging.
• Minatel was a Videotex online service. According to Wikipedia, it was considered one of the most successful pre-World Wide Web online services.
• "They don't make babies grow up in prison […] they take them away the minute they're born and send them to an orphanage."
• Tit Bondage, GILF, and Preggo Porn are all things.
• It turns out that Myrtle Beach is actually not the best.
• You can learn all sorts of stuff watching this show.

Exchange of the Night

Cyril: We are already down to 125 kilos of cocaine, which was worth about six million dollars. So—
Archer: Wait, how much is that in pounds?
Cyril: Forget pounds, we're doing kilos!
Archer: No, I mean't pounds—
Mallory: Sterling!
Archer: Exactly.

“Josh isn’t dead yet? Well good on him, I love a good survival story."

Remember when the Originals were all powerful, indestructible and seriously menacing? Well those days are done. Tonight they got their asses seriously kicked when Elijah’s old lover Celeste rounds up a bunch of witches to help her declare war on the Family. This week was all about Elijah’s choice. Back from the dead and out for revenge, Celeste decided to teach Elijah a lesson by setting traps for the three people in his life that he cares about: Klaus, Rebekah and Hayley, with one stipulation -- he only has time to save one of them. What Elijah decides seems to be a set up for the next story arch of the season, so with all that in mind, let’s take a look at the grades.

Elijah F

As soon as Celeste told Elijah that he must choose between his brother, his sister, and the hot girl he’s known for only a few months, I told myself that if Elijah chooses Hayley he’s getting an instant F. And yup, sure enough, lover boy chooses Hayley over his own blood. So much for family and all that bullshit Elijah likes to spew. He let Rebekah get mangled by a pack of wolves and Klaus get stabbed by Papa Tunde’s blade, and left both of them to be taken by the witches, just so he could save that doe eyed hottie tottie.

He threw a fit about it afterwards, but too little too late. I love Elijah, but he really sucks.

Klaus & Rebekah C- & C-

For such previously powerful and indestructible creatures, these two sure got taken down pretty easily without a fight. Still, I hope they are seriously pissed at Elijah when this is all over for choosing Some Girl over the two of them.

Hayley F

Since it’s the full moon, Hayley decided that it was a good time to throw a big family reunion with her cursed werewolf family. Turns out Hayley comes from a bloodline of Abercrombie and Fitch models. She meets one of the models who is the human form of the wolf who has been protecting her and she discovers that the two of them were arranged to marry each other by their parents when they were babies. Now, I know they’re werewolves, but before the curse they only turn into their doggy forms once a month and they spent the rest of their days as humans. Did nobody think to tell these people that free will has been a thing among humans in this country for a while now, while they were arranging the marriage for two helpless babies?

In other news, Hayley fulfills the role of damsel in distress again, and I’m getting tired of her and her vulnerable pregnant lady nonsense.

Cami & Father Kieran C & C

I love Father Kieran and I don’t hate Cami, but they did little this week other then to cause panic over Father Kieran getting hexed by a witch in order to act as a plot device to propel Klaus to fall into his trap.

Celeste & Witches F & F

I can’t believe the writers thought it was a good idea to get rid of a seriously awesome villain like Papa Tunde and stick us with Celeste. Celeste and her band of witches are meant to be evil, and while they did do some bad things to the people we’re meant to root for, they’re pretty underwhelming as the follow up act to last week’s big bad. You know you’ve got a villain on your hands when their go to method for conveying their villainy is to curl their lips in an evil little smirk, which is pretty much all Celeste does all episode and not much else. More than that I don’t really get what her issue is. Yeah, she wants revenge for Klaus killing her, I gathered that much -- wouldn’t we all want revenge for the person who drowned us in a bathtub if we had the chance? But why is she royally pissed off at Elijah? I thought they loved each other. And what’s all this talk about taking back the French Quarter. All this fuss over the French Quarter, it’s almost like these people think New Orleans is Westeros and the Quarter is the Iron Throne… 

Sophie C

After a season of moaning over her niece Monique, Sophie finally gets the girl back, only to be killed by her at the end of the episode. I know Sophie was really overwhelmed with joy at the “miracle” resurrection of her dead niece, but did she really miss the dead-eyed stare the girl had on her face the either episode? Raising a teenager on your own is hard enough, it’s even harder when the girl turns out to be a creepy, possessed evil little witch. I wonder it this is the last we’ll see of her...

"Crescent City" B+

The episode started out slow with too much attention and focus on Father Kieran’s predicament. Which, as much as I like him, was a bit boring. But then it finished off strong with a great cliffhanger. Looks like we’ll have to wait two weeks before we find out what’s going to become of Rebekah and Klaus.

Extra Credit

• So Josh is still alive! How ’bout that…
• Elijah showed a Sherlock Holmes level of deduction skills when he pieced together that Sabine is really Celeste, and that was about the only good thing he did this week.
• Has anyone else ever noticed that Elijah does this sexy crinkly eyes thing when he wants people to do what he wants? He totally did it to Rebekah when he wanted her to take Hayley to the plantation and she totally melted into a puddle.

Demerits

• The little flashes of images that we kept seeing throughout the episode, what was that? I thought it was meant to be something important, but no explanation was ever given.
• A group of tourists stood around watching Monique pound her way out of a tomb while taking a tour of a creepy old cemetery and they looked way too calm. I know they explained it off as the tourists thinking it was part of the show, but if you were standing in a cemetery, and a girl crawls out of a tomb unexpectedly, would you not shit yourself just a little before you decide that it was just part of the show?

“Okay, um, you and Nick break up – London has a great Olympics – uh oh, trouble in Syria – board up your windows, Super Storm Sandy – hey, over her, me and Nick get together.”–Jess

If Prince needed to allow us sufficient time to freak out about his appearance, surely we needed more than two days to recover from it. A double dose of New Girl this week was inevitably going to be a bit of a let down after Sunday night's spectacular, but there were some fun parts to this episode -- namely the guest appearance by Seth Cohen aka Adam Brody as Jess's crazy ex, Berkeley! Is it bad that I was equally if not more excited to see him than Prince? Too bad there wasn't a cameo from Captain Oats.

The episode itself was a bit fragmented with Nick and Jess confronting the ghosts of their relationships past while Schmidt, Winston, and Coach may have accidentally tried to start a brothel in Schmidt's new loft.

Jess

B

“Besides, I can’t give up that farmer’s market. Strolling around, chatting with vendors – it’s so nice. I feel like Don Corleone.” –Jess

Jess can be a little (okay, very) high and mighty sometimes and she was trotting around on her high horse when she insisted that Nick seek closure with his ex-girlfriend Caroline and her absolute refusal to acknowledge that her ex-boyfriend, ahem, Berkeley, was still interested in her. She earned back some points with her very logical and current event-laden timeline of when she and Nick got together to prove to Caroline that Nick never cheated.

Nick

A-

“Can I just say? I really wish this coffee was a giant beer. And I wish this scone was a little whiskey and I could just chase them.”–Nick

Here's what I don't get: wasn't Nick the one who was always pining over Caroline and lamenting their break-up? It seemed like the reason they broke up the last time is that he was freaked out about moving in with her. Good thing he automatically already lived with Jess, otherwise things could have gotten ugly. If anything, this episode made it abundantly clear that Nick is head over heels for Jess and hopefully that means he's less likely to stop holding her hand and start high fiving her as Caroline predicted...

Schmidt

A

“May I speak plainly with you, Cecelia? I’m in a bit of a sexual drought. The good valley Schmidt hasn’t seen rain in month.” –Schmidt

Having recently moved into my very first apartment without a roommate, I found myself relating a little too well to Schmidt's conversation with the grapes in his refrigerator. But it's Schmidt's libido, or lack thereof, rather than his living situation that's got him down. When he completely botches an attempt to pick up a chick at the bar, he confides in Cece (Cece of all people!) about his "sexual drought." Fortunately, his new apartment is equipped with 15 different bang spots. Unfortunately, Coach and Winston beat Schmidt to the punch by bringing their own chicks back to his place and occupying the two best bang spots. And he gave those guys coupons for free subs! Such betrayal.

Winston

B-

“Men don’t talk to people they’ve dated unless they want sex or they’re Winston.”–Nick
“I also want sex.”–Winston

Whyyyyyy is it so hard for Winston to date girls? He is cute and funny and no longer obsessed with his cat. But instead he hooks up with that weird lady from a few episodes back who was so inconsequential I'm not even going to research exactly which episode it was. But hey, he did manage to commandeer the guest room in Schmidt's new bachelor pad.

Coach

B

“I’m about to take down that vadragon. I’m about to pin the tail on the vadonkey, dude.”–Coach
“Don’t call her a vadonkey. I don’t even know her well and I want her to leave, but please, don’t call her a vadonkey!”–Schmidt

You'd think after watching his 'Fire and Ice' ploy last episode that Coach would be a little bit better at thinking on his feet and come up with something smoother than saying he and Schmidt are brothers -- "Same mom, different dads. That's why I'm brown...er" -- to explain why they have the "same name."

Cece

B+Cece's still working in the bar and has apparently completely gotten over the fact that Schmidt cheated on her. She's even willing to give him dating advice.

"Exes"

BNot a favorite, especially after the extravaganza that was the post-Super Bowl Prince episode. This one focused way too much on Nick and Jess's relationship. What was the point of bringing back Caroline? I did love Adam Brody's role as Jess's lovesick ex-boyfriend who's a miserable hippie stay-at-home dad.

Extra Credit

• “Grapes, we have you surrounded. Come out with your stems up.”– Schmidt
• “Oh, you want to watch the game, which one? Basketball? Football? Of Thrones?”–Schmidt
• Schmidt made keys for Winston and Coach – Winston’s is a guitar, Coach’s is a rainbow kissing a star
• “Is this real? You guys saw each other naked and now you’re friends?”–Nick
  “Yes, it’s the purest form of friendship. Straight Leno and Eubanks.” –Jess
• “I love you, Jessica. God, it feels good to say that out loud and not just to my sleeping wife.” –Berkeley
• “Caroline, I parked down the street! Why am I telling you?”–Nick to Caroline as she's beating a stranger's car with a board
• “Don’t drink the water by the bed, it’s got my contacts in it.”–Coach
• If you look closely, you can see Max Greenfield trying not to crack up in the vadonkey scene

Demerits

• This episode was great fodder for the Nick/Jess haters because it was pretty much all about them

"Like a boss; head to toe in Costco"

Whatcha know ‘bout Kirkland Jeans foo? Odds are nothing, unless you’re a Costco member, then you’re a Kirkland expert. Unfortunately for The Gang they are not card carrying affiliates of said cost saving superstore but luckily Alice is, and the bros want them some access to awesome mom jeans and super cheap snakes for a party they’re throwing for Karl.

The original plan was to just raid the office break room snake stash, but they soon realize they had already depleted the supply. Looking to be problems solvers and not just problem makers, they decide to elect Jillian in charge of purchasing snakes but it goes terribly wrong. This episode was below average at best. Read on to find out why Costco sucks and this installment sucked even more.

Blake

D+ He really didn’t have any memorable moments from the episode other than asking Jillian for a razor to shave his hairy nipples, which was just part of a plan to distract her so they could steal the food. He’s usually the funniest of the three amigos, but he honestly didn’t even give me a mild case of the chuckles this go ‘round,

Adam

B- Definitely supplied the best banter in this episode, like when he described his strike out woes at the last party,“I want to have some intercourse, I just had a ton of outer-course last time… hoping to get inside this time”. With a gem like that and the bit about using Jillian as a puppet “like Elmo, and we’re like that alleged black pervert, with our hand up her butt”, he’s worth at least a B-.

Anders

C Other than the open sequence before the credits, when he’s shower rapping and ends up with Karl’s poo in his face, he was pretty weak as well. I’d be curious to know if they have new writers or if the stars are busy doing other stuff in real life, which might explain this shitty episode.

Jillian

B- This episode was all about her and her cheap denim power trip. The Sarah Palin-esque make-over for the snack room elections was funny especially when Blake suggests she put raw chicken cutlets in her bra to enhance her bust. It was fun to see a very passive character go mad with power and she also gets quote of the night honors, as seen above

“Snackers”

C I’m being generous with this grade, just because I’m a fan of the show. Minus Adam’s joshing, Jillian’s political campaign and later her Costco get-up, we’re talking a failing grade easily. After last weeks rebound from a very sub-par premiere we are back to mediocrity. and I’m worried the show is losing it’s magic again. Maybe we’re starting an every-other-episode-is-funny trend but I hope not. Guess we’ll have to wait till next week to find out.

Extra Credit

• Jillian’s political debate with Montez for snack-master status that deteriorates into him crying about the diet his wife has him on.
• Blake explaining to Jillian why raw chicken meat in her bra is a necessity to gain political power in the office, “because big tits demand respect”.
• The Ocean's 11 (or 12 or 13) style montage, when Jillian thinks she’s discovered how our homeboys stole all the munchies

Demerits

• Lousy bro banter, THE show trademark, which is and has been lacking as of late.
• I know it’s just Comedy Central but plot lines are getting lamer and lamer. So predicable! I pretty much knew how it would play out this week before it happened. How about a surprise or two?
• The stupid fixation on Costco, which was supposed to be funny? It’s just Walmart for hoarders. Not worth harping on for a whole episode.

Don't get lost in the sea of incoming new comedies this pilot season; use this comprehensive guide from our friends at Splitsider.

Yays:

• Stand up comedians Jim Gaffigan, Kevin Hart, and John Mulaney will each get to test their small screen potential. One will be successful.
• Fear not! We will have the chance to stare into Rob Lowe's beautiful blue eyes once again.
• Tina Fey can do no wrong... right?

Nays:

• Stand up comedians Jim Gaffigan, Kevin Hart and John Mulaney will each get to test their small screen potential. (This is not a typo, since two of them are going to fail miserably)
• Seemingly the whole cast of The Office now have starring roles in their own shows.
• They are actually going to attempt How I Met Your Dad. No Joke. Over-Under: 3 Episodes.

H/T: Splitsider

 

"On the contrary, brother. I'm better like this." - Damon

Turn around...

Every now and then you get a little bit evil when your girlfriend's not around.

Turn around...

Every now and then you steal your doppelganger's body and try to hook back up with your ex.

Turn around...

Every now and then an Evil Doctor injects with you a serum that will make you eat friends.

Turn around...

Every now and then you try to save your brother from disregarding four years of character growth.  

Turn around, Matty Blue Eyes...

Every now and then I fall apppppaarrrtt.

I'm so sorry, everyone. I couldn't help myself.

Katherine

A Diary mention! Drink! Katherine's on a mission to win back Stefan's heart, and she's not holding anything back. 

She's willing to sacrifice Matt for sympathy points, potentially vomit in Jeremy's mouth for believability points, and she's fully prepared to go Bad Girl's Club on Caroline's face should she try and start up another love triangle. 

Like I said last week, watching Katherine pretend to be Elena is one of the most entertaining things this show has ever done. Her complete lack of fucks for the wellbeing of everyone that isn't Stefan (or Nadia, to an extent) is brilliant. Though, I have a feeling that we're going to get one of those The Family Man-type scenarios where she's going to slowly begin to fall in love with how awesome Elena's friends are and then be devastated when Elena, like, wants them back. 

Stefan

A Like Liam and Noel Gallagher, Cain and Abel, or the Wright Brothers (I'm guessing), Stefan and Damon have a truly complicated brotherly relationship. Between trading off decades of murderous rampage and passing Petrova Doppelgangers back and forth like they're bong hits, Stefan and Damon have spent a lifetime trying to fix each other. It's no surprise that Stefan would want to hold on to the man Damon had become over the last few seasons, but he's gotta know from experience that threatening Enzo and making puppy dog eyes at his brother isn't going to be enough. It will be interesting to see how Stefan reacts after figuring out his brother is an Augustine Killing Machine. I bet there will be brooding.

Also, if the writers massacre Stefan's character by A) having him get back together with "Elena" so quickly and B) having him hook up with his only friend, Caroline, for the sake of drama I will burn Utica to the ground.

Damon

B+

"I'm gonna go ahead and say Karma. Karma is happening to me."

I'm not sure I buy that four years of Damon's development can be shredded like a horse drawing because he "changed for Elena", but I've gotta admit that I like where this is is going. Damon is more entertaining to me as a snarky, murderous dick, and I like the idea of him being a cannibalistic vampire. It gives him something to do besides whine about Elena and gives the show itself a Big Bad we can actually care about, and raises the stakes a little bit, and that's A-OK by me. 

Enzo

C You're cute and all, but I can't understand a word that comes out of your mouth, Mumbles McBritish.

Matty Blue Eyes

A Look at you, figuring out Katherine and Nadia's secret! Turns out, you don't have to be supernatural when you can just be plain old super. Although, if you were supernatural it wouldn't be as easy for Nadia to kidnap you and threaten your life, but you're probably gonna bone her again anyway so who cares, amiright?

Bonnie

A Told you you'd be back to unwillingly help out with a situation that has nothing to do with you. 

"Total Eclipse of the Heart" 

B This episode had some throwback Season 1 realness happening. Stefan and "Elena" were making eyes at each other, Tyler and Matty were bro-ing out, Bonnie got to speak, and Damon got to make jokes and rip throats. Ah, nostalgia! I still don't know what the hell Sloan and the Travelers are doing, and I still think Dr. Maxfield would be more intimidating if he wasn't dressed like Mr. Rogers, but I think this episode set us up nicely for some future entertainment. Bring it on. 

Extra Credit

• "Are there any cons? Because I've only listed pros."
• Am I part of the only friend circle in America where we didn't bang each others' parents (and, if you're Matt, children)? I don't get it. I mean, Matt's mom is Julie Cooper Nichol Cooper Bullitt Atwood, so I get it, but still. Gross.

Demerits

• Elena's middle name is Sheila. 

Rick

Carl 

 

Michonne

A+

After finding footprints in the mud, Michonne decides to go in the opposite direction and ends up hanging out with a herd of zombies. She's got a new pair of pet zombies with her, and without teeth or claws zombies are surprisingly docile which makes sense if either a) you are drunk or b) you think about it for less than 12 seconds. QUICK THE 12 SECONDS ARE ALMOST UP, NEXT PARAGRAPH, NEXT PARAGRAPH!

 

Michonne has a dream of her past life, featuring cameos of her two old zombie pets (that she had to decapitate in Season 3) in their human form. This is, if I'm not mistaken, the first honest to god dream sequence The Walking Dead has ever tried for and I have to say I didn't mind it. I especially liked the absurd image of Michonne putting her ninja sword into the knife block like a normal ninja housewife. I was half expecting a backwards talking midget to start dancing but instead my heart got squeezed into a mushy blood puree when an adorable human child came running out and jumped into Michonne's arms.

 

Yep. Michonne used to be a mom, which makes everything about her just a little more heartbreaking. After the dream, she starts to see herself in a doppelganger zombie and eventually loses it. She slashes open her zombie self's face and the rest of the zombies surrounding her wise up to her humanity and she kills every single one of them. It's a really well done sequence that shows how taxing of a chore killing zombies really is and shows how easily Michonne can go on mass-murdering autopilot. Definitely my favorite scene of the night.

"After"

B+ Despite a clunky moment or two, After is another episode that remains taught by focusing on just a handful of characters and pudding.  

Extra Credit

• Nothing turns a boy into a man like 112 ounces of pudding. 
• The opening shot of this episode is a nifty callback to the closing shot of the pilot. Zooming in a tank surrounded by zombies from high above. Finding Herschel's undead head was surprisingly sad. Was it chomping for flesh or trying to quote the Bible? We'll never know.
• This episode is probably the closest The Walking Dead has ever come to directly lifting a single issue of the comics and making it an episode. It's Issue 50 and almost everything Carl does, word for word, shot for shot comes directly from the comic. This season, material from the comic has proven to be much stronger than the material the TV writers made up on their own.
• Carl finds a note "Please do what we couldn't!" from a son about a father. THEMES?

Demerits

• Carl is not a great actor. Hey AMC, can we maybe put one less extra in zombie make up and spend that money on an acting coach?
• How many empty houses are we gonna watch people ransack on this show? And who's trimming the lawns?
• Although I do appreciate this episode's focus on just the three main characters, it would have been nice to check in on Carol, Tyreese, or Daryl. None of the other characters though.

Zombie Kill of the Week

In a nice mirror of the beginning of our beloved Downton Abbey, this week’s episode opened with a telegram. Instead of relaying news of the Titanic, this telegram was sent from another sinking ship: Lady Cora’s brother Harold. In the world’s greatest moment of irony since Rose declared she’d never let go, Lord Grantham’s presence was requested to prove that Harold isn’t terrible at business. He and Thomas left for America, just as the pigs arrived at Downton.

To keep Mr. Bates home with Anna, Mrs. Hughes made Lady Mary privy to the secret of Anna’s trauma, while Cousin Rose concealed her dalliance with Jack Ross. Mrs. Crawley nursed the Dowager Countess back to health, and Lady Edith and Aunt Rosamund struggled with the possibility of ending a life.

Evelyn Napier continued his sad pursuit of Mary while Lord Gillingham continued to stalk her, and Mr. Blake proved that everyone loves a chase.

Let’s see who sprinted towards the finish line and who ran in circles.

Dowager Countess and Mrs. Crawley A- & A

"Doesn't anyone care whether I live or die?"

The Dream Team carried on this week, with Mrs. Crawley nursing the Dowager Countess through bronchitis, celebrating her return to health with a rousing game of Gin. Their storyline made me so many kinds of happy/sad: Mrs. Crawley can be self-righteous but she’s a good-hearted, lonely woman who just wants to matter. The Dowager Countess may be a total boss, but her heart secretly lies with the underdog.

After all the open fights and subtle digs, what these two ladies have is a friendship.

Lord Grantham B+

He might be whiny about it, but it’s pretty cool that Lord Grantham is summoned to America to lend respectability to his brother-in-law. It also means he’ll continue his streak of not effing up Downton Abbey, since he’ll be an ocean away from being able to give advice about the pigs.

It’s really refreshing not to slap my forehead every time Lord Grantham is on screen – let’s keep this trend alive.

Lady Mary & Mr. Blake A & A

"Should I fetch the pig man?"

Mary and Mr. Blake didn’t hit it off last week, but that all began to change when Mr. Blake suggested they walk down to see the pigs after dinner. What began as a challenge to expose her apathy ended up revealing her tenacity.

One pen of pigs, it turned out, had tipped over their water trough – they were dehydrated nearly to the point of death! Their plump, furry bodies lay motionless, half sunk in the mud, presumably enjoying hallucinations of friends from county fairs past beckoning them toward the light. Thankfully, Mr. Blake diagnosed the problem with the cool-headed call to action of the former soldier he is, and he and Mary ran to the water pump. Mary ran through the mud – high heels and all – to save her pigs, disproving Mr. Blake’s beliefs about her sense of entitlement.

Once the animals were safely hydrated, Mr. Blake and Lady Mary had a predictable yet adorable mud fight, allowing us to see a rare laugh out of Mary, and then they returned to the house, where Mary made scrambled eggs for them. The only thing missing was some bacon (too soon?).

Being a mother and helping run the estate have changed Mary for the better, and Mr. Blake is now a converted believer in her virtues. I hope we get to see more of these two!

Lord Gillingham D

“I gather the needle’s got stuck.”

Dude – you tried to manipulate Mary into marrying you after only a weekend talking over cards and dinner, and now you’re back hanging around after your engagement to another woman was announced. What a “Modern Love” column you’d make!

Take your rapey valet and go away, please.

Lady Edith & Aunt Rosamund B- & B+

"Have you met my niece and her charming bastard?"

Much like the women featured in the educational videos from my traumatizing middle school sex-ed class, Lady Edith struggled with the decision to abort her baby. She headed to London for the weekend, where Aunt Rosamund badgered her into revealing her secret plan to visit a back-alley abortion clinic.

All Edith wants is to be loved and to be included, and in pursuit of love, she got into a situation that would surely leave her shut out of every drawing room in England. Aunt Rosamund, in a bout of open-mindedness, promised to support her no matter what and encouraged her to consider skipping the surgery. Upon hearing all the weeping at the clinic, Edith listens.

While I’m not sure how period accurate this decision was, it certainly makes things more interesting. How’s Lady Cora going to take the news? Will Lord Grantham send that private investigator to find Michael Gregson? Is Michael doin’ her dirty? The world may never know.

Edith, honey – keep your head up. Mary had a man die in her bed. Sybil married a Socialist Irish chauffer. This is just a family tradition.

Tom Branson B+

At the encouragement of Mrs. Crawley, Tom rediscovered his politics this week, attending a talk by a Liberal Member of Parliament (MP for you hip kids). The afternoon breathed some independence back into Branson, reminding him of his love of arguing over politics and providing him the opportunity to sit next to a pretty woman.

I’m not sure whether or not I like her yet, but she’s got to be better than conniving lady’s maid Edna, so I give it a cautious thumbs up. Maybe she’ll keep him from crossing the Atlantic! 

Cousin Rose & Jack Ross B & A-

The Titanic imagery continued for these two this week as they cruised around in their little love boat, sneaking smooches under a bridge. Beware, kids: iceberg ahead.

Mr. Bates B+

Aaaawww, shit – Mr. Bates figured it out. After Anna is visibly startled by the return of Lord Gillingham’s valet, his suspicions were confirmed. All this man’s sadness, guilt, and rage are about to get poured (or shot or stabbed) into Mr. Green. I just hope he doesn’t get caught – I’m ready to put this storyline behind us.

Mr. Green F

Homeslice is definitely going to wind up in a ditch somewhere soon, so the show is doing a great job of making him completely awful so we don’t have to feel queasy about Mr. Bates. After the way he reacted to Mrs. Hughes confronting him, I was ready to off Mr. Green myself.  Bon voyage, d-bag.

"Episode 5" A-

This week’s Downton Abbey was full of subtle, realistic plot points – bahaha, just kidding. Thankfully, that’s not why we watch. The episode was, however, rife with romance, secrets, and impending danger. Despite the usual amount of manufactured drama, I’m legitimately invested in these new storylines and can’t wait to see where they lead. Any guesses?

Extra Credit

• Everything about Lady Mary’s suggestion to herd the pigs toward water.
• I like Jack Ross a lot more when he’s not assaulting my eardrums. He looked really dapper rowing the boat in his sharp suit.

Demerits

• I loved Mr. Blake and Mary’s midnight caper, but that dehydrated pig set-up was pushing it, even for Downton Abbey.
• What’s with this chick… does she have beer-flavored nipples? I love Lady Mary – she’s smart, tough, and she’s become good, but she isn’t Helen of Troy. Was there a dearth of eligible ladies in 1920s England?
• Thomas – leave Baxter alone!

Hannah: "You just said snack room and everything blurred."

Hannah
B+

An example of the "Urban Man": "The Kaballer. He's a little sleazy. He's like out looking for sex. But he's wearing Kaballah bracelets so you know he's spiritual. He'd like fuck some serious enlightenment into you."

Hannah quits her job at Ray's after nabbing a job at GQ working on an ad campaign for Neiman Marcus. Progress!!! She suppresses her initial fears of being a sellout after finding she actually has quite a knack for it. But when it dawns on her that her fresh-faced co-workers aren't all that fresh-faced after each let go of their own writing aspirations for the monotonous grind of a 9-5 with benefits, Hannah is devastated. But isn't she asking Adam to do the same on his auditions, considering he only goes because he likes "reading emotional cues from strangers in a high-pressure situation"? That might be a stretch, but keeping her day job doesn't have to mean giving up on her dreams. Maybe just fewer naps...

Marnie & Ray
B- & B

Ray: "Will you please sit down?"
Marnie: "Why?"
Ray: "Because you have no one else to eat lunch with and neither do I."

Shoshanna
B-

"Ray seems to have the support of his peers on the court."

"Free Snacks"
A-

I liked this episode more than the last two, but it's becoming increasingly difficult to grade this show. Not because I'm not enjoying myself or because I don't believe that the writing is the best it has ever been (it really has been great). It's mostly because we're watching a show about girls who aren't consistently likeable and who rarely interact with each other anymore. The likeability factor isn't actually a problem, it's actually rather refreshing. But the friendships seem confused. I remember reading an interview where Allison Williams discusses how she roots for Hannah and Marnie more than Hannah and Adam. I love the idea that their bond is worth rooting for, fighting for, but we haven't seen it in a long time. A co-worker of mine and I like to argue-agree about how relationships between women are some of the most formative and long-lasting friendships, so a show like Girls has the opportunity to chronicle these connections. And maybe we're witnessing the most honest take on these friendships, as they are often fraught with meaningless drama and periods of separation. Hopefully, these two crazy kids find their way back to each other.

Extra Credit

• Marnie: "Can you stop saying checking in, it's fucking weird."Marnie, manners! But seriously, it was starting to sound like a phone call from my dad.
• Joe: "Fedoras are worse than genocide."Unless worn by Justin Timberlake.

Demerits

• Marnie: "Muffins from the place you run, what an extravagant gesture."Take it or leave it, Marnie! Most boys would eat their muffin happily in front of you without offering you a bite.
• Kevin at GQ doesn't like Hannah's face. It's a pretty gross comment to openly admit to a person, but arguably a good life lesson that some people just will not like you.

“Why don’t you, for once in your life, do something that you’re not supposed to do?”–Abby
“I didn’t put the cap back on the honey bear the other day.”–Jess

Jess spent much of the episode trying to keep her crazy sister from meeting Nick... although this lead Nick to falsely believe that Jess was embarrassed of him. Meanwhile, Schmidt begged Nick to be his wing man at a bar mitzvah where he intended to woo his rabbi's daughter, despite the fact that the rabbi (perfectly played once again by Jon Lovitz) totally hates him.

Don't even ask me about the third story line involving a forced double date over soup at Winston's weird girlfriend Birdie's weird place, instead we'll move on to the grades.

Jess

A

“Hey, Outside Dave! Have you seen a girl that looks like me, but with chaos in her eyes?”–Jess

Nick & Schmidt

A- & A-

“I have a very difficult flirting situation here, I mean it’s a double black diamond – trees, moguls – and as we both know, you’re the best wing man who’s ever wung.” –Schmidt

“I’m sorry I got distracted.”–Nick
“I’m sorry your girlfriend hates you.”–Schmidt

I'm pairing them together because, well, they spent much of the episode that way, but that's not the only reason. These two best buds addressed one of the major issues plaguing New Girl right now -- the fact that Nick and Jess are all about each other now and nothing else seems to matter. Schmidt had to practically beg Nick to resume his role as "the best wing man who's ever wung" and even then, Nick only halfheartedly performed his duties after getting distracted by a call from Jess. Yes, Schmidt's scheme was ridiculous and childish and yes, Nick's eagerness to meet Jess's sister was sweet, but I'm glad the writers addressed this issue in a somewhat meta way. In the end, Nick took a punch to the jaw in an effort to help Schmidt get the girl (Schmidt didn't, but Dr. Nussbaum probably did) and Schmidt defended Nick to Jess (albeit unnecessarily). It's good to know these guys still have each others' backs.

Coach, Winston & Cece

B, C+ & BWhat the eff was going on here? Were the writers like, "yeah, um, we spent way too much time focusing on our awesome guest stars that we just tossed half of our cast in some miscellaneous subplot."?

Here's the most important question: WHY IS BIRDIE STILL A THING THAT MATTERS? She was a one-off joke at best when we first encountered her and now she's what, Winston's girlfriend? I'd rather have Winston date Ferguson the cat. I was also up in arms about this whole forced awkward lack of chemistry situation going on between Coach and Cece. Fortunately, that was tidily wrapped up with them agreeing to be friends after a sad attempt at recreating their one-time makeout. Better plots for these excellent characters, please.

Abby Day

A

“If you a cappella sing at me one more time, I will rip that stupid little dress off of you and shove it down your mouth.” –Abby

“Mom was right, he does have an uptown butt. I’d like to put that butt in ski pants.”–Abby on Nick.

Linda Cardellini gets all the points. She is just so great in every role she takes on. Lindsay Weir? Love her! Don Draper's neighbor/mistress? Sign me up! And now we get to watch her as Jess's sister and enjoy all the inevitable mayhem shaking up the loft during her visit. Plus, she's a perfect crazy yin to Jess's orderly yang.

"Sister"

B+I loved half of this episode. All the Linda Cardellini stuff was great, Jon Lovitz was a master as always, the bonus phone calls from Jamie Lee Curtis as Jess's mom were certainly welcome. The bar mitzvah thing was random, but it brought Nick and Schmidt closer together and probably gave Schmece some much needed time apart before their inevitable reunion. But it's time to let the Birdie storyline fly away.

Extra Credit

• Nick truly has been the best wing man of all time -- “Excuse me, are you the writer of 'So You’ve Mastered the Female Orgasm, Now What'?”
• “I don’t know what kind of jail this is, so be prepared for anything. I mean, wear a shirt you don’t love love.”–Jess’s mom
• “I’m out of shampoo, I'm going to use bar soap, but your sister won’t know the difference.” –Nick shouting to Jess from the shower
• “Yeah well, I want Julia Child not to be dead. But, here we find ourselves.” –Schmidt
• “Thank you very much for your mitigated support and tiny portion of your life.” –Schmidt
• “So you good to go or you gotta sign year books or something?” –Jess picking up her sister from jail
• “Hello, hot cocoa.” –Abby to Coach
• “Did you hear the one about the waiter? He walks up to a table full of Jewish women and says ‘Ladies, is anything alright?’ A telephone call in the middle of a punch line? This generation is the worst.” –Rabbi Feiglin (Jon Lovitz)
• “But why lie? Do you know how many Millers have been or are currently in jail?” –Nick

Demerits

• Birdie and the general lack of creative story lines for Winston.
• Watching Nick make out with that poor, startled old woman.

"It’s a socital thing, guys can’t hit women. Chris Brown ruined it for everyone."

Just when we thought our favorite bromosapiens had lost their touch, we have the best episode of the season so far! The gang tries to lure a local on air “gotcha journalist”, Miss BS, to their phony fundraiser to fix Anders car under false pretenses (of course). Their real objective is to woo her over and possibly plant one or all of their bones in her yard… and by yard, I mean her vagina.

Problem is Miss BS isn’t taking any bullshit. She thought she was called to the office to do some investigative reporting about unsafe working conditions but quickly sees through the boys’ charade and decides to do a story about how they suck terribly at their jobs and how they are ripping off old people through lies and deceit or just harmless “pranks” in their minds. In jeopardy of becoming unemployed, the dudes come up with a plan to con Miss BS into not running the story and get this… it actually works! Superb marks all around so let’s get right to it.

Blake

A He had a good line just before the opening credits about how there’s nothing like hanging at the bus stop, crushing burgers in the morning with his boys that was funny (even if it was just thinly veiled Hardee’s/Carl’s Jr product placement) and the bit about Miss BS actually standing for Betrayal Slut was also comical/timely. Throw in a hideously awesome pug t-shirt and pretending to be the spirit of some poor widows dead husband over the phone, to swindle her out of money, and we had vintage Blake at his finest.

Adam

A+ Far and away the star of this episode, he had amazing quotes on deck for days, including the quote of the episode, seen atop this post. Other memorable one liners include;  “sexism is like my least favorite thing, besides salad bars ”, or “I’m part Cherokee, my dad drives one.” His trademark rapid-fire delivery was in full affect and razor sharp during this installment and we couldn’t be more stoked. Loved it!

Anders

A- Of the three he was the least funny but still MUCH better than he’s been. He played off the other two well (like he used to do impeccably in previous seasons) and helped make their jokes even funnier. We always wonder how much of this show is ad-libbed because the chemistry the three stars share is uncanny. The part where he tries to convince everyone MySpace is making a come back was his moment of triumph; “I got a new profile on there man, and the format is sick!” Hilarious because we all know MySpace is still deader than Tupac.

Miss BS

B- Just a minor character just introduced for this episode, she showed range and was a nice plot carrying addition. She didn’t really have any truly standout lines but it was nice to have some fresh blood in a show that was in danger of becoming stale (see this post). The fact that she tried to pull one over on our homeboys and then gets it shoved back in her face was fun to watch.

“Miss BS”

A This episode had the three things we want from a Workaholics episode: 1.) Amazing bro banter that’s lighting quick, off the cuff and hilarious, 2.) A believable and easy to follow plot (let’s be real, half their audience is stoned) that is still original and 3.) Memorable one-liners we can fire off to friends at the bar this weekend. It’s not rocket science, it’s just a fart joke-centric show on Comedy Central but there’s still a right way and a wrong way to go about it. They hit it out of the park this week.

Extra Credit

• Blake calling their house the Brashmahal.
• The three stooges making different animal sounds in unison to explain how off the hook their party is when Miss BS shows up.
• The Steven Seagal “Marked for Death” reference
• Classic pranks montage, like air horn strapped to office chair, switching hot and cold nozzles on water cooler and the return of poo dollar!

Demerits

• The super cheesy (no pun intended) Haree’s/Carl’s Jr ad placement not once but TWICE in single episode.
• Not so big of a surprise, “this weeks Workaholics was brought to you by Hardee’s” voice over before each commercial break PLUS an actual Hardee’s/Carl’s JR commercial … or three, or four during said breaks. Way to totally beat us over the head with it ad men, I’ll be seeing thick burgers in my nightmares!