"I thought my lunch choices were quote unquote, 'horrifying adventures in diarrhea.'"

First off, they still make Pontiacs? Who knew!? I was certain that Pontiacs had gone the way of the Dodo or at least the Edsel. Secondly, not one joke using Pontiac instead of Heart attack-ack-ack-ack in Billy Joel's "Moving Out"? Pretty sure that was an obvious joke, guess that's why I haven't heard back about that writer position on Brooklyn Nine-Nine. I have to admit after a long break (the last episode was was back on December 3rd) and a lot of Christmas inspired cocktails I had little recollection of where we left off, oops. But that's the beauty of a show like B99, you can enjoy it without remembering the last ep because it seamlessly picks up, fills you in (Boyle got shot in the butt, duh!) and stands alone as a quality comedy. Let's grade these batches.

Det. Jake Peralta & Det. Rosa Diaz

 B- & A

"I don't look like a cop now"
"No, you look like a Boys II Men Easter album"

This episode focused on Jake and Rosa teaming on a sting operation to capture Jake's nemesis, the Pontiac Bandit. Jake broke out an old Police Academy oath to gain Rosa's trust in the case, the thousand push-up bet. It seems pretty self evident you would never in your life bet someone a thousand push-ups unless you were completely certain you were right or wanted your spaghetti arms to break off. But of course, Jake not only breaks the oath but has to pay up and physically do a thousand push-ups. Jake's lack of trust and unwillingness to listen to his partner brings to light the reality that Jake kinda sucks as a cop. This is a major set back for our favorite boy detective. Of course he was still hilarious in that oversized Boys II Men inspired suit but it's disappointing to see him be a worse version of his cop-self. Get it together, bro!

Rosa on the other hand shines as her hardass-self. Particularly when perp Doug Judy's (Craig Robinson) mom puts a braid in her hair and Rosa pulls out a knife and cuts it right off. Any lady can attest that cutting off a random chunk of your hair is a preeeeeetty big deal. When Rosa just chops that braid right out her head, you know she don't care and that's why I care about Rosa.  

Captain Holt 

A

"My husband's dog, Cheddar, had relations with a neighbor's dog, Karate, and produced these two smaller dogs."

I wish that Capt. Holt had been holding kittens the entire episode so I could say it was, "purfection." But, alas, he was holding two adorable puppies which was pup-tastic. (It's just not the same). Nothing could be better than this storyline. Watching Holt hold puppies and shame his staff was amazing and a lesson for all bosses and parents out there. Imagine if your dad caught you drinking in high school and told you he was disappointed in you while holding two glorious pups? How could you not feel infinitely worse! This is a genius tactic in any and all business and life moments. Do it people! Of course, everything having to do with these dogs solidifies Holt's uptight personality. I mean, he names the offspring of Cheddar and Karate, Richard and Dan. Love it, love Holt.

Det. Amy Santiago

 A-

A small but mighty showing by Santiago this week. I love that she's so devoted to impressing Holt that she attempts to take care of the puppies even though she's deadly allergic to them. I can't wait to see how far they push this storyline this season. Here's hoping Santiago becomes a surrogate for Holt and his husband. Fingeeys crossed.

Det. Charles Boyle & Scooter

 C & A

"This cast has a crotch hole, it's like a doggie door for my penis."

Ah! That Rascal is amazing. It knows everything, hope it's back next week. Oh wait, that would mean Boyle and his butt cast are back too. Erm, never mind, let's say bye bye to the hilarious Rascal because Boyle in a butt cast is just too annoying for words. Generally, I like Boyle's puppy dog eyes and sweetness but when he's totally helpless AND annoying, it's just too much. Let's get him out of a cast and back to just being a sweetie. 

"Pontiac Bandit"

B+While I loved some of the moments between Jake and Doug Judy, his nemesis slash new found bestie, the jokes were a little lackluster this week. However Holt and the puppy moments bring this B- episode up to a B+. Maybe they should just have Holt hold puppies in every ep? 

Demerits

• Not enough jokes.
• Not enough Gina.
• Not enough puppies!?

Extra Credit

• That scooter! It's a genius, a comic genius.
• Samberg in the oversized white suit. 
• The PUPPIES. Duh. 

The holidays are over (oh heyyy 2014), and Modern Family is back — along with Andy (Adam DeVine)! Sadly, he's underused and really only interacts with Baby Joe and Jay, doing nothing to further the romance between him and Haley currently alive only in my head. Reeeealllly gonna need these two to get married soon, writers.

The rest of the episode pretty much makes up for it, though, particularly Alex's scrunched-up driving face. How she managed to keep from laughing while making that face is beyond me.

Phil

B+ Phil wants Luke to learn to dance, but "of corpse" Luke would never go for it, so Phil tells him they're going to "Autopsy Camp." The universe gets pissed and Phil is arrested because of the million parking tickets Haley's racked up. Frankly, I think it's a fitting punishment — no teenage boy deserves being forced to waltz. (I love how the only time Phil yells at Luke is when he's using puns for evil instead of good. "More like Footloser —""CAREFUL.")

To no one's surprise, Phil handles prison like a baby. "Solitary confinement" (because there were no other prisoners) took its toll on Phil... and he might never be the same. It actually didn't seem to have any effect on him — he seemed more bummed to find out that Claire was still lukewarm on him six months into their relationship (i.e. when they were living together and she was PREGNANT WITH HIS CHILD).

Haley

A+

Haley, who under normal circumstances would be grounded and forced to work off the parking ticket fines, has exactly two tricks up her sleeve:

1.) telling Luke that Phil lied about taking him to dance lessons because being a good dancer made Claire fall in love with Phil.

2.) telling Alex that Claire just doesn't want her youngest daughter to learn to drive because she loves driving her around so much. (Technically that second one shouldn't have helped get her off the hook because she was in part being paid for her silence and she's the one who told Alex Claire pays her to teach her to drive. Also, she essentially was just paid $1600 for lying herself. Parenting is weird.)

Claire

A Watching Claire run around the house rhyming like a maniac and trying to figure out where Phil's random stash of cash might be has to be one of the funniest moments of the episode. Crazed Claire is the best Claire, and it's things like the realization that "cash" rhymes with "ash" and "that was furry!" make up for things like paying one daughter to take the other daughter driving because she hates it so much.

Mitchell & Cam

B & B The grooms-to-be are trying to land a wedding venue but are put off by how expensive all their favorites are. They come this close to booking one, but Mitchell hesitates and the schmultzy-sounding Carriage House goes to one of Cam's student's sweet 16 party.

(Cam is pissed at Mitchell for hesitating and losing the venue, but in all fairness they were out of the office for like, two minutes, and it's weird that the Carriage House rep wouldn't tell a 16-year-old girl that he would call her right back and let her know if the date is free or if she needs to have her over-indulgent birthday bash at Chuck E. Cheese.)

And so begins what might be Mitchell and Cam's greatest B-plot ever — trying to swindle a pair of teenage girls and ultimately getting sucked into their drama. The two of them arguing over BFFs Sophie and Tracy's problems really takes me back to the old days. 

Jay

B- Manny and Baby Joe share the same birthday, so, as Manny's party ends, they prepare for Joe's. (I have to agree with Jay about the recycling. Babies don't know what's going on — they don't know that their party streamers were already used, or that they're only getting half a cake. Let's face it — babies are dumb.)

During all this preparation, Jay and Gloria learn that Manny is chasing a cheerleader and has an elaborate plan to impress her by putting a bunch of crap in her left-behind coat pockets. (Which Gloria laaaaauuuuves.) Jay insists that Manny stop chasing girls who are "out of his league", which is super unfair because, hello, he's a crotchety old man married to a Latina Barbie doll.

Jay is really just upset that Baby Joe called Andy "Dada", but when his son calls him by his first name — and he found out it was a month before Gloria was really into him — he gets over it.

"And One To Grow On"

B+ This was a pretty solid episode to start off 2014. We're getting closer and closer to Cam and Mitch's wedding, which seems to be angling for the season finale this spring — no doubt it'll be a grand affair!

Extra Credit

• The air conditioner making it rain all over Phil.
• "Oh you're tapping your fingers, you do have a plan."
• Who dressed that baby like a tiny old golfer?

Stand back, bitches and witches - stand back! Stevie Nicks is in the middle of the room, and she did NOT hear from you. Welcome back to AHS, my pretties. Did you have a nice holiday? Let's all remember to write Ryan Murphy a thank you note for this week's gift-wrapped guest star, the magnificent Stevie Nicks.

The White Witch aside, Fiona and Marie team up this week and are, as expected, unstoppable. Their combined power, unchecked selfishness, and collectively flawless bone structure take down both Voodoo Satan and the witch hunters with stunning ease (well, for this week. I think that both, in some form, will be back). Fi makes the rather startling discovery that she has no soul, and Marie gets out of her yearly infanticide chore, too. Meanwhile, Cordelia does a lot of hand-wringing over her fake marriage to Hank while the newbie witches bicker about who the next Supreme is. I'm not sure why they don't just ALL try performing the Seven Wonders, but then I guess the season would be over. 

Misty & Madison

B & A

Madison's plan was clever, but I think that it'll take more than an above-ground mausoleum to contain Misty, who possesses - as Mad seems to have forgotten - SUPERNATURAL POWERS. Still, points to Madison, who's now proven her readiness to take on Fiona's mantle by taking out the competition. 

But Misty's real story, obvs, is that even if by some off-chance she's really dead, she died happy. She met Stevie! Fiona, in a rare act that was not 100% self-serving, arranged for Misty to twirl with Stevie Nicks, and It was Good. Upon seeing the white witch, Misty fainted, came to, and twirled with her personal demi-goddess to a piano rendition of “Rhiannon.” Who cares about being the Supreme after that?

Fiona & Marie

A & A

As mentioned, Fiona and Marie make a formidable team. But MAN, are they reprehensible humans! Back in the day, Marie made a deal with Papa Legba, the gatekeeper between mortals and the spirits, for immortality. In exchange, he got her soul + an unsavory yearly favor, e.g. killing a baby. So Marie has traded 300 baby murders in exchange for her luminous skin, but at least she feels bad about it. Fiona, on the other hand, learns the details of this bargain and disappears in a cloud of Road Runner dust to summon Mr. Legba on her own. “Would you cripple your daughter?” Papa asks, warning her about the nature of the contract. “Kill an innocent? Someone you love?” Fiona can barely get her affirmative reply out past all the anticipatory drool. But, whoops, no dice: Papa Legba realizes that Fiona lacks a soul to trade. BUMMER. At least she still has the Axeman

Nan

A

Just as I was writing, "Why is Nan only a guest star? She's in every episode," Fiona and Marie shoved her in a bathtub. But it’s cool - Nan seemed nonplussed about gliding off with Papa Legba into the afterlife. Who knows; maybe Luke will be there to greet her. In any case, Nan's last living hurrah was a solid one: she killed national treasure Patti LuPone with a bottle of bleach, called Fiona a bitch, and rescued an infant from Legba’s milky-colored contacts. While I think that Nan is actually dead, rather than AHS-style temporary dead, I hope we catch a glimpse of on the flip side. I hope she’s having fun.

Zoe

DDid nothing. Is she still probably-maybe the next Supreme? Yawn

"The Magical Delights of Stevie Nicks"

A The best episode in a while, in my opinion.

Extra Credit

• I really loved the funeral procession. This, to me, seemed like the first time Coven really embraced its New Orleans setting and all the trimmings.
• I also really loved Fiona and Marie's spell to take down the witch hunters. That was some cool camerawork, and a nice blend of voodoo and Salem magic.
• Myrtle's theremin-playing ways while dispensing such wisdom as, "Don't be a hater, dear."
• Madison: "I'm a huge Eminem fan; when is he coming?"
• Is Delphine's head still watching Roots? It is really long.

Demerits

• If Misty AND Nan are really gone, I will be very sad.
• The witch hunters need to write a book on time management, because I have no idea how you manage a successful private equity fund AND stamp out black magic. 
• Uh... you guys... where's Kyle?

Shit just hit the fan and then sprayed all over Piper's jumpsuit and Larry's turtleneck in “Tall Men with Feelings.” Just as Piper is finally building a decent imprisoned life for herself, Larry busts in and enacts a sweet wave of romantic revenge to screw it all up. Every single one of Piper’s relationships got mangled after his NPR segment, and she’s back to less than square one. That’s the interesting thing about being stuck behind bars. Not only are you trapped physically, but your emotional wounds are given no freedom either. 

Piper 

DPiper showed some genuine remorse over the death of Trish last episode, getting angry at everyone who wasn’t registering as high on the sorrow scale that she was. Alex may have been a little presumptuous with her past mule request of Piper, but then again Piper was foolish to enter a relationship with a international drug cartel member in the first place. And hypocrisy hit her right in the face when she wouldn’t even stay to comfort Alex’s mom after her death. For Piper, there is no balance between receiving emotional comfort and giving it. She expects everyone to comfort her at the slightest hint of melancholy, but when her loved ones need a helping hand, Piper’s preoccupied with her own self-induced grief. Did she deserve to have her personal life on display for millions of radio listeners? Probably not. But did she have the right to cheat on Larry in a seemingly short prison sentence? No way, Jose. For unrighteouusly demanding comfort without giving the necessary amount back, Piper gets a D.

Larry

B+

Wow, Larry is one cold blooded bastard. I’ve been constantly criticizing his media prostitution of Piper’s life story throughout this season, but he went one step up and utilized a million person audience to get revenge on his fiance. Larry seems to falsely believe that he must choose between a fulfilling writing career and social life or save his increasingly unfulfilling relationship. The obvious solution is for him and Piper to talk about some sort of open door sex policy, but the fact that it hasn’t been brought up shows how emotionally distant they really are, even more so than their geographic separation. He certainly crossed the line with the radio segment, but seeing his freelance repertoire and twitter followers increase as he comes to realize maybe this Piper chick really ain’t worth it puts him at a well deserved self realized B+. Don't hate the playa, hate the game. 

Daya

DI'm always happy when television characters find love, but Daya is being put straight into a “Maury”-esque romantic entanglement.

Maury: “Were you Daya sleeping with another man prior to sleeping with Pornstache?”
Daya:“No!”
Maury: “The Lie Detector proved that that was a lie!" (cue hoots and Hollers from the audience)
Maury:  "Pornstache, we have your paternity test results here. In the case of the unnamed Lychfield correctional facility lovebaby, Pornstache, you are NOT the father!”
Pornstache:“What? No way! No way!”

Even though the Maury studios are in pretty close vicinity to Lytchfield, this dilemma is only going to breed more conflicts for everyone involved. Daya is being used as a pawn by her mother and Red to get back at Pornstache for causing Trish’s death. And even if she does get some control of her baby after getting out, that baby will go on believing it was the product of some terrible Andy Dufrane/The Sisters-esque prison rape instead of a beautiful Andy Dufrane/Red prison romance. There’s no good outcome for Daya here, and losing her control in what should have been a happy encounter seriously effects grade this week.

Alex

DAlex has always come off as an incredibly bright and rational girl. She may have overstepped when trying to recruit Piper to be her new mule, but you can’t blame a business dynamo for evaluating every one of her options. Too bad Alex can’t do the same with her personal relationships, because after we saw Piper bail out on Alex in the moment when she needed her most, it’s incredibly stupid for her to even walk within ten feet of the blonde inmate. Crazy Eyes when talking about Piper’s woman parts: clearly the physical attraction is there, but anything after that is an exercise in futility. Even though Alex had the foresight not to compromise her blooming career with well thought out professional decisions, the moment she mixed business with Piper pleasure was the start of her personal and professional demise, earning her a solid D. 

Pennsatucky

FPennsatucky’s been strapped down and questioned in a classic “Clockwork Orange” Alex DeLarge fashion. She’s obviously crazy, but more on the lines of your family member unknowingly saying something culturally intolerant crazy, not batshit riding wheelchair girls as a daily sacrifice for god crazy. But the prison is trying to kill her strongest asset, her spirit, before sending her back to normal life. Good thing for Piper that she may lose the motivation to get revenge, but sad to see someone lose their sanity by external causes. For getting Randall McMurphey’ed without really deserving it, Penssatucky gets a D.

"Tall Men with Feelings"

B+A great episode that sheds more background into the complexities of Alex and Piper’s relationship while foreshadowing the downfall of her relationship with Larry.

Extra Credit

Demerits

• So what is the next step for Larry now? He turned his accidental NYT column into an overly aggressive radio segment. I think radio segment turns into eBook, which leads to screenplay, which leads to feature film, and then Broadway adaptation of Piper's story. It's feasible that Piper could get an EGOT while stuck behind bars. Watch out Tracy Morgan, Ms. Chapman is coming for you!

Jerry: "Am — am I Lenny now?"

Happy 100th episode, Parks & Rec! We missed you. Also glad to see that NBC's scheme to get better ratings for Sean Saves the World by temporarily replacing you with holiday programming and The Voice worked like gangbusters. Oh, wait, it didn't? WAS IT WORTH IT, NBC?

Anyway, so yeah, Parks & Rec has returned, just in time for Leslie to bid adieu to City Council and Andy to come back from filming Guardians of the Galaxy London.

Leslie

A It's Leslie's last day as City Councilwoman, and she is predictably unhappy about it (even harmonizing with Ingrid de Forest on "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" can't cheer her up). She enjoys a temporary high after plotting to run against Councilman Dexhart (the pervy one), but everyone thinks it's a terrible idea (except for April, who wants to see Leslie become the Joker, and Jerry/Gary/Larry/Lenny).

She's pretty determined, though, so Ben (also in the "that's a bad idea" camp) hires Jen Barkley for one $1200-hour to consult with Leslie. Rather than tell her how to win, she tells her not to run and to dream bigger, as in Congress. Leslie decides to take Jen's advice (which she's kind of flattered by, because Jen doesn't care enough about Leslie to lie to her), opting to skip City Council and go home and make out with Ben — but not before they away to Paris! Anyone else tear up a little when Ben and Leslie put their little lock on Lover's Bridge? No? Just me? Kay.

April & Andy

B+ & B

Andy, who has been on London time for a couple months, can't quite seem to get back on schedule. (It was nice to see someone else mowing the lawn at 2a.m. Just kidding. I don't have a lawn!) April tries everything from letting Champion eat peanut butter off Andy's face to spraying her beau with the garden hose to keep him awake, but he still ends up half-asleepedly peeing in the Parks & Rec office and dreaming up ideas about bears and trampolines. Only Tom's talking tissue box can rouse his interest (but only because he thinks Tom is a ventriloquist).

Tom

A Tom has finally received his Rent-a-Swag money from Barry Saperstein and needs a brilliant idea to invest in. Instead he gets the "Phonebicus" (aka a calculator), a "word counter," and Jerry/Gary/Larry/Lenny's sustainable energy machine. (This one is actually a pretty good one, until he sneezes on, drops, and shatters it. Classic Jerry/Gary/Larry/Lenny.)

Ultimately he tells Ron he wants to create his own position as a "business liaison" so he can get new businesses into coming to Pawnee. It's a pretty good idea, though I think he should make a go of it with the talking tissue box — even grumpy ol' bastard Ron is intrigued enough to pull out like five tissues, waiting to hear what they'll say next (i.e. "Step up your vitamin C, bro!").

Ann & Chris

A- & B

These two are almost ready to pop out their baby — I think. I don't know how far along Ann is, just that you can see that she's pregnant enough to bitch out a waitress and threaten to deep-fry her face (which would have surely made April proud).

They go to Barry Saperstein for an ultrasound and, unsure of whether they want to know the gender of the baby, have the doc write it out on an envelope. Of course, he's a doctor, and his handwriting looks like a chicken having a stroke, so they have no idea what it says and have to harass him at home the next morning, which brings us to...

Jean-Ralphio

A+

He was only in this episode for like, 2 minutes, but damn can he pack a punch into 120 seconds. He hits on Ann, who is like "Dude I'm pregnant" to which he responds "The more the merrier" and he doesn't even mind that Chris is a guy because he's "open-minded as hell" and thinks Chris is very good-looking. Also, JR is wearing the exact same pajamas and bathrobe as his dad. One of Parks & Rec's showrunners made a joke this week about a spinoff featuring the Saperstein family, but he should actually do it because it'd be awesome. If Saul Goodman can get a spinoff, why not the Sapersteins??

"Second Chunce"

A A very solid 100th episode, and a great way to start the season back up. Two very enthusiastic thumbs up.

Extra Credit

• Councilman Dexhart: "...and Anthony Weiner."
• Ann: "I'm hungry. No, wait, I have to pee. No, wait, I have to barf. Actually... all three. Being pregnant is great."
• Tiny little acorn penis
• Ingrid Deforrester's home away from home is in Zurich and was designed by Frank Gehry because of course it was. As Leslie puts it, "Oh, my god, what is your life?"
• Shauna Malwae-Tweep: "I just feel like I could fix him, y'know?" (I hope she finds someone nice...)
• Ben coming this close to ordering a singing "Requiem for a Dream" telegram for Leslie.

Demerits

• Not enough Donna.

“It doesn’t come that easy for the rest of us.”

Last week’s episode was a biggie, a return of the biggest villain/love interest of the series and a continuation of a plot that has had threads throughout numerous episodes throughout both seasons of the show. Thus, this week’s episode should be crap -- a sub-par time-filler designed to push us one step further towards the next big tentpole episode.

Lucky for us, that’s not what happened. This episode was better than last week, better than most of this season if I dare say. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. We got some grading to do.

Sherlock A+

“I am not a deranged maniac, Mr. McNally, but by all means, keep pushing me.”

I don’t know how Sherlock manages to be so humble and so arrogant at the same time. Most of the time, he’s just arrogant. This episode was no different, with him spending most of his time on camera being annoyingly confident and being right all the time. As Bell observed upon first meeting him, things come easy for Sherlock.

What was different about Sherlock this week was that he shared his being right with others. There is no way Sherlock could have solved this case without the help of Joan and Detective Bell. And he did so with what is the closest thing to a smile Sherlock can muster. He seemed impressed by Joan’s obscure knowledge of mobsters, and was intensely fascinated by how Bell managed to pinpoint the barrel with the body (Barrel with the Body would make a great album name. Maybe some guys on the force should start a band. It might help with Bell’s recovery).

Despite his customary arrogance, tonight Sherlock showed that he’s more than happy to share his genius deductions with anyone who wants to take up the challenge. Pestering Bell into realizing his true potential is further evidence that Sherlock’s got a big, fat heart under his somewhat emotionless exterior and he cares more about people being their best selves than being his friend.

Joan A+

I’m trying picture little Joan in Queens chatting with the boys about the latest developments in the crime world. If there were a mafia in Minnesota when I was growing up, I would have assumed that if I overheard mention of them I would be next on their hit list. So clearly little Joan had way more guts than little me.

I’m a little surprised this little pocket of Joan-knowledge didn’t come up earlier in her relationship with Mr. Holmes, and I still don’t entirely understand how she recognized Pardillo's half-decomposed body 20 years later, but whatever. Kudos to her for getting the plot moving, and finding a suspect and all the other interesting and relevant things she did this week. I hope she keeps it going. Maybe next episode she can hunt down a perp based on her complete knowledge of cuban cigars inspired by her father’s old smoking habit. Or something cooler. She’s capable of something cooler.

Da Silva B

Da Silva dug himself into a hole when he sent Bell on that mission to scope out the anonymous tip he left himself. I wonder if he kind of wanted to get caught, if he knew that he should pay for all the favors he paid to the mob all those years, and although he wanted to be out of their grasp, he also didn’t really, deep down, want to get away with it. Maybe, just maybe that’s why he sent Bell, because he knew the guy was good. He knew Bell and his friends would catch him out and could spend the rest of his years receiving a little bit of the punishment he so deserves while catching up on all those episodes of the King of Queens he missed over the years.

Gregson B-

That’s right, I minused him. I can’t think of anything worthwhile Gregson did this week, but Aidan Quinn got a paycheck, and isn’t that all that matters?

Bell A+

He’s been underwhelming, underused, and overly whiny, but this week he rocked it. He used his mad skills to find a dead body and investigate his new boss, and he swallowed his pride and let Sherlock be right about what he’s meant to do. Plus, he got his old desk back. The man had a very good week.

“All in the Family” A+

The mob stuff lost me a bit, to be honest. I’m the opposite of Joan Watson when it comes to understanding who owes who, and what company is a front for what, and who’s giving who offers they can’t refuse and why those offers are so refusable. I need to make myself a flow chart to track it all. But even without understanding the intricacies of Da Silva’s long-standing relationship with a crime family, there was plenty to enjoy in this episode; Joan’s encyclopedic knowledge of the history of the New York mafia, secret meetings with the NSA, inept detectives, and most importantly that epic argument between Bell and Sherlock regarding Bell’s reasons for transferring to the Demographics unit in the first place. Sherlock always being right is starting to get a little annoying, but I was glad that the writers didn’t pick this opportunity for him to be proven wrong. He was completely right about Bell, and while I was never a huge fan of the detective, it was fun and satisfying to watch his journey this episode.

Extra Credit

• Nice PRISM reference -- way to stay current!
• “We are all dressed up with nowhere to go, aren’t we?” (I really wish they could stay in their black tie wear longer. Those two really know how to rock their formal wear.)
• "We visit a mobster in hiding and you order Italian. Could a Godfather marathon be far behind?"
• Joan’s cowboy hat.

Demerits

• Pardillo’s murderer gets a demerit for his disgusting killing tactics. Dissolving a head in battery acid?! Really?! Ew!
• Joan’s cowboy hat.

"If you want to make trouble, go to Parker Brothers!"

You know television has come a long way, from the groundbreaking All in the Family to the airing of the Moon landing; TV has taken us places we could only imagine. It has the power to transport you, to awaken long dormant and potent feelings and tonight of all the things that I could have watched, I chose a show where the entire plot was based around spare change and butt-cracks. AND now you’re reading an article about it. SOCIETY. PROGRESS. EVOLUTION.

This weeks Community takes Prisoners, Se7en, Kiss the Girls (among others) and blends them together with a pinch of ass COMMA bandits and Dave Matthews Band (Dave for us true believers). Yes it’s thrilling (to see Annie and Jeff together again), scandalous (the underuse of the rest of the cast) and at times downright scary (DON’T TOUCH THE BEAR TROY) but most importantly it’s Community done right and that’s something everyone can enjoy.

Jeff

AJeff in teacher mode is a lot like Jeff in regular mode, not interested in the ridiculous shenanigans taking place at Greendale … AT FIRST. As always Winger is pulled in to the hunt for the Ass-Crack Bandit, by none other than GCC’s resident hottie and perpetually potential love interest Annie Edison. Teaming these together is always a ‘win’ (as the kids say) and their chemistry works well in the ‘Mulder/Scully’ ‘whatever the people on Bones are called’, ‘that’s a thing on Castle too right?’ mode. Jeff does skeptic and stoic all the way to the last minute but totally expected because ‘we see what you’re doing here guys’ twist.

Throughout (and mostly by Jeff) we are reminded how trivial all of this is, how so much of their life at Greendale is encompassed by these ridiculous quests. As Jeff and Annie are finally about to bust the true Ass-Crack Bandit (after a false-confession by the newly resurrected Starburns) things get the MOST real: Pierce Hawthorne is dead. Just like that the search is over and another excessively screwball Community plot is grounded in reality. The bottom line? Life is short and we might be missing what’s most important. Are Annie and Jeff missing what’s right in front of them?

Dave Song that most suits Jeff: Crush (Re: His feelings for Annie)

Annie

AAnnie seems to be at her best when there’s a case to crack (Check Basic Lupine Urology and Advanced Documentary Filmmaking to see what I’m talking ‘bout) and this go round is no different. Equipped with the most crafty case file ever and a extremely reluctant partner, Detective Edison is on the case. Using her supremely refined type-A personality skills Annie hacks the ACB case and Greendale into graphs, charts, searches and finally answers. With the help of Jeff (The Warehouse member since ’98) we discover that the culprit is definitely a Dave fan. Using Annie’s crime scene map the team realizes the bandit MUST be a teacher. After Starburns false confession Annie thinks the case is done. Which leads her to a chance encounter with the ACTUAL bandit (or was he?). It’s that perfectly tense moment where the heroine discovers who the REAL killer is but she’s in THE SAME ROOM AND THEY ARE ALONE. It’s been done so many times but for some reason I can’t place it. The beauty of a Community concept episode, it’s familiar and hilarious but doesn’t take away from the show and characters we love.

As for Annie, it seems clear that she’s circling yes on Jeff’s note asking if she ‘likes him more than a friend’. She even points out that maybe they did team up because of their feelings for each other and calls Jeff out on his suggestive body language. Unfortunately we yet again are given absolutely no payoff in the Jannie (?) Aff (?) saga. There is the hint of a chance of the possibility of forward momentum spurred by the discovery of Pierce’s passing but knowing these two we’ll be waiting for awhile.

Dave song that most suits Annie: Dreamgirl (DUH)

The Dean

CThe Dean has turned into quite the conniving, immoral, unethical center of Greendale. Perhaps it’s his undying love for his deanship? Either way it’s upsetting, there was something comforting about the Dean’s pure intentions for everything involving his beloved school (except Jeff Winger). Here he is once again trying to squash a PR scandal, completely disregarding the sanctity of people’s BUTT-CRACKS. The humanity. He even forces poor living-in-the-stables (we have stables!?) Starburns to take the fall so he can close the case early. It’s all very disappointing and here’s hoping that we can get the Dean back on track. If anyone should be trying to save the school with the study group it’s the Dean himself.

Dave song that most suits the Dean: Everyday (because of all the unsolicited hugging)

Troy

BTroy can wear a blanket, sip from a cup, and struggle to stand while delivering a revenge slap like the best of ‘em! He’s the perfect victim, once strong now fragile, once solid and stoic now frayed and exposed. Troy’s butt-crack will never be the same and Abed is there to comfort him. I’m just gonna leave this paragraph here for you to read again.

Dave song that most suits Troy: Stay (Wasting Time) (PLEASE DONALD GLOVER PLEASE)

Abed

BIt seems almost criminal to not have used Abed more in this episode. How was he not helping Annie predicting the next move of the ACB using his bountiful pop-culture knowledge? It doesn’t make sense but perhaps taking care of Troy and his wounded butt-crack was a full-time job. Remember one of the three B’s was BUDDIES.

Dave song that most suits Abed: When the World Ends (Darkest timeline remix?)

Britta

CNot the worst this episode but basically completely irrelevant as well. She offers almost nothing expect for the possibility of an unwanted romance with Duncan. A storyline with Britta providing incredibly poor trauma counseling to the victims would have been most excellent.

Dave song that most suits Britta: Grey Street (So EMO and I would know, it was my go to EMOTIONS song from 2006-2008)

Shirley

CLike Britta almost completely irrelevant this episode, we do learn that she takes advantage of a situation like this by making dolla dolla bills, which I respect but other than that … what did she do? OH, announce Pierce’s death, she did do that.

Dave song that most suits Shirley: Lying in the Hands of God

Pierce

D (for deceased)Cause of death: Chevy Chase’s ego.

Dave song that most suits Pierce: Gravedigger

Basic Interglutial Numismatics

B+Another almost there for the Greendale Gang, while I loved the concept of the episode there was a complete underutilization of the characters! Abed and Britta especially could have given so much to this episode. Hickey and Chang while my least favorites of the regulars still deserved better. The announcement of Pierce’s death was interesting though, it did seem to have an actual effect on the group and it could be great to play out the reactions over a few episodes. 

Dave song that most suits Basic Interglutial Numismatics: I Did It

Extra Credit

• "You can't stop me because what are you gonna do? Not have butts?" - ACB
• "We have stables?" - The Dean
• "Oh, American high-five, okay." - Duncan
• "He should be called run on sentence man." - Shirley
• "Heartburn. It doesn’t help me catch criminals." - Hickery
• Excuse me for living in the 90s, and having two ears connected to a heart! - Jeff
• Annie's squeal-dance-squeal
• Leonard's lean-in
• Jeff's new job as Water-polo coach
• The Ben Folds cameo

“I will have my revenge!”  

Finally, at long last, the Order is aware that Dracula is in town, but before cutting to the important stuff we’re treated to three whole minutes of a flashback of Vlad and his wife gazing lovingly into each other’s eyes right before The Order comes to take them away. It’s almost as if someone thought we didn’t get the point with all those flashbacks of Vlad watching his wife being burned and said, “Hey, I know, why don’t we help them out with an entire scene of her actually being dragged away from him, just to drive the point home?” Pointless opening scene aside, the episode was actually full of action and drama. Oh boy was there so much drama!

As we move on to the grades, let’s keep a count of how many times someone screamed at somebody else in this episode.

Dracula F

I don’t know about you, but to me Dracula is just becoming a little too overbearing now, and I’m not even the girl he’s stalking! He spends too much of his energy obsessing over Mina and not enough energy towards executing his revenge, which is, surprisingly, the whole marketing point of the premise.

Sure, I’ve always known that this Dracula was more than just a bit of a diva, he was a diva of the “not a Queen, a Khaleesi” proportion, but damn! I did not know just how much of a diva he was until he threw that big fit over… wait for it… Mina no longer trusting him. Really? Of all things to be that upset over, the object of your infatuation (reincarnation of dead wife or not), telling you off for setting up her boyfriend, so does not merit that kind of a melt down. Yes, Mina did pretty much tell him to stay out of her and Harker’s life (me thinks he should take a day from the stalking) but still, we’re talking running around the room screaming and breaking stuff! Oh honey, just calm down and take your shirt off, it’ll all be okay.

Van Helsing F

Did Van Helsing just kidnap children? Is this guy serious? I get it, The Order is a big, bad, evil organization that deserves what’s coming to them, but come on! I want more of the Emily Throne, less of the Lindbergh baby! I wanted you to be the good guy,Van Helsing, get your shit together!

Mina & Harker F&F

Somewhere deep down, underneath the whole “I love you” thing, this charming couple must know that something just isn’t right. I mean, between Harker’s legendary sexism, and the screaming match of this week in which Harker accuses Mina of being unfaithful and untrustworthy (which she totally is--emotional cheating is still cheating!), I think there’s a big red X flashing right in front of their eyes warning them to NOT tie the knot.

Now, Harker is a murderer and Mina, well she’s elevated from snooping to stealing. I’m not sure what to make of this. If only this show had the ability to make being bad look good that Breaking Bad had, none of this would be a problem.

Renfield A+

Wowza! What is that? An “A” for Renfield? Why, say it isn’t so! Renfield deserved his “A” tonight. For the first time since the show’s beginning I’ve appreciated Renfield’s lack of personality, or, as I see it now his mellow personality. I finally get what they’re doing. They’re making Renfiled the sane one while everyone else in the show is batshit crazy! Okay, I can get on board with that. Renfield proved to be a soothing influence when Dracula threw his diva fit, and he also attempted to talk Van Helsing out of a bad idea. Granted, he didn’t succeed, but you can’t fault the man for trying. He can’t help it if the people around him have a higher penchant for carrying out bad ideas than all four of the Pretty Little Liars combined.

Davenport A-

Turns out Davenport’s a pretty clever man and I’m talking a “Professor Moriarty, get in your head and mess with your mind” level of cleverness. Who knew? Certainly not me, but when Harker snuck into his house and held him at gunpoint that man did not bat a single eyelash. He wasted no time getting into Harker’s head, trying to elevate Harker’s already existing distrust of Dracula, it was super impressive…until he got shot. What a shame, he came soo close…

Average Boring Suit F

The Checkers is still in? What is this bullshit? Where is my Pimp Suit?

"Come To Die" B-

While the show delivered another action packed episode that kept me interested, but alas it also finally succeeded in making me hate just about every single character. Van Helsing, the Kidnapper — HATE. Dracula, the overbearing stalker — HATE. Harker, the perpetually bad boyfriend — HATE. Mina, The Bella Swan — HATE, HATE! Geez… why do I still watch this show? Oh wait, it’s because of Jonathan Rhys Meyer’s abs… Mmmm those abs….

Extra Credit

• I want to give a shout out to commenter, Notzi, for so kindly clearing out the Lady Jayne husband confusion last week. If you’re still as confused about Lady Jayne’s martial situation as I was, go read this flawless explanation here.
• Renfield calling Dracula out on the stalking
• It's only been implied that Van Helsing was responsible for those children's disappearance, I'm still holding out hope that he didn't do it! 
• Lady Jayne was awesome this episode, she dumped Dracula and went full vampire hunter on our asses!
• In some rare occasion, when you're about to be attacked by the henchmen of some rich guy who has in in for your vampire stalker, it's useful to have said vampire stalker lurking around to save you just in time from getting your flesh burned off. 

Demerits

• That Guy died:

He was only just beginning to do something more than standing behind Davenport and lurking in the back of rooms looking menacing and now he’s dead. What a tragedy. RIP That Guy. I miss you already.

• I know that the promos like to lie to us, but I was so hoping I was wrong this week…but oh, how right I was. Didn’t last week’s promo show us what looked like Dracula going off the deep end? Turns out, it’s not even close. Boo!
• The Order’s logic-Someone betrays us, so let’s turn him into an all powerful, immortal monster so that he can haunt this order for all of eternity.
• Poor Lucy, so misguided. She’s now been rejected by both Mina and Harker and now she’s being used for rebound! She doesn’t deserve all this grief, I just want her to win!
• This clunker deserves a spot in the bad dialogue hall of fame:
  “So the rumors are true, a proper huntsman…and a woman too.”
  “Time to die”
  “Too late, already dead.” 

I think we can all agree Netflix is God’s gift to TV watchers. It perfectly serves up our favorite TV show for hours and hours of mass consumption. But what happens when you’ve watched all the shows you’ve wanted to marathon? Your binge trough is empty and what do you fill it with? Let’s not waste your time on garbage, like The Rules of Engagement. Follow these simple steps and find the perfect show to gorge on next.

Do you love Downton Abbey but wish it was more like Law & Order: SVU? Binge onThe Bletchley Circle.
 

All the naked mutilated and post mortemly raped corpses of SVU with the dashing accents of Downton. What could be better than that? This drama follows four women who worked secretly as codebreakers against the Nazis (BAD ASS!) and turn their post-water boring existences into top notch detectives. Not only are they tracking a lady killer, they’re battling sexism in 1952.

Binge Level: Beginner. It’s a British series which means only 3 episodes. Don’t fret, the second season is coming to PBS this spring.

Have you ever wished The Office was more like It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia? Binge on The League.

Great news for ladies, you don’t have to understand Fantasy Football at all to watch and love The League. I have to admit I completely overlooked it for that reason alone. What a sexist jerk I am! But The League has proved to be one of the perfect semi-improvised comedies on the Netflix. Nick Kroll, Paul Shearer and Mumblecore king, Mark Duplass lead the cast and kill it every episode. Watch it, laugh hysterically, and learn a little something about dude relationships.

Binge Level: Intermediate. Four seasons, but that’s cable seasons, which means only 10-12 episodes each. You could finish this in a weekend easy.

Fan of The Killing but miss seeing good old Gillian Anderson on The X-Files? Check out: The Fall.

Good ol’ Gillian “soft G” Anderson, is back as Detective Superintendent Stella Gibson, sent to Belfast, Ireland to track a killer. Stella is not only a super sleuth, she’s a little slutty and weird. Plus, the killer is so creepy he’ll literally make you lock your bedroom door at night. Ack!

Binge Level: Beginner. One Season, 5 eps and a fantastic cliffhanger. Do it right now!

Ever wish The Practicewas more like Revenge? Binge on Damages.

Glenn Close and Rose Byrne are perfection as mentor/protege slash arch nemesies. Plus there are incredible guest stars and fuck it, just go watch this show right now.

Binge Level: Expert. Five amazing seasons (except for Season 3). Just DO IT.

. 

You love Grey’s Anatomy but wish it had more Bridget Jones’ Diary voice over! Binge on Emily Owens, MD

That’s right, we’ve got lady doctor voice over just like Grey’s but with the silly insecurities of our dear Bridget minus Renee Zellweger’s weird eyes and accent. But we do have Mamie Gummer’s big old horse face which is delightful. She’s got frenemies galore and two hot love interests. Frankly, watching it sort of makes me wish this show had succeed and The Mindy Project had failed. Yeah, I said it.

Binge Level: Beginner who doesn’t mind heart break. The show had one short season and was cancelled so you’ll NEVER KNOW what happens to Emily Owens. My guess is she grows up to be Meryl Streep...

"Past a certain age, a man without a family can be a bad thing."

It's 2014: The first new year of a Breaking Bad-less, Walter White-less world, meaning we are now conceivably living in a post-"antihero" age.

That word. Antihero.

It is a term so ubiquitous to Albuquerque's rogue chemist that it seems almost sacrilegious to even attempt to apply it elsewhere. Which is why the second I was introduced to True Detective and Matthew McConaughey's portrayal of the show's brooding, world-weary detective Rustin Cohle, I thought great, another character who seems to have achieved his ends by unjustifiable means. Another man who looks like he's eeked out some poor excuse of a "living" by doing all he can to simply not die. Another antihero. (I will obviously dive into this later.)

But to call HBO's True Detective a portrait of antiheroism does the network's new show the same disservice as calling it a "mystery series" or a "psychological thriller" or, even more barf-tastic, a "cop drama." Set in Louisiana in both 1995 and 2012, the pilot starts us off from the perspective of separate interrogation cameras pointed at the present day versions of the show's two main characters, McConaughey's Cohle and Woody Harrelson's Detective Martin Hart. Each is tasked with explaining his partnership with the other at the time of a ritualistic murder case they both worked on 17 years prior. And at the end of the episode's 55 minutes, we are again in that same position, behind the interrogation camera, but we're now fortified with clearer understandings of the case and the characters to begin asking our own questions. The catch, though? The show's narrative relies solely on the information Cohle and Hart provide to the interrogating officers, to their cameras, and therefore to us.

So True Detective isn't just a drama or thriller or mystery that we're about to watch unfold; it's a post-antihero exercise in storytelling where we the audience have to be trusting, active listeners to a familiar plot driven forward by (so far) impeccably-scripted and -casted characters.

Rustin Cohle A

"It's all one ghetto, man. A giant gutter in outer space."

Rust Cohle has what one could call a not-so-optimistic worldview. What he describes as being a "realist" others would classify as philosophical pessimism. When he begrudgingly opens up to Hart three months into their partnership, Cohle expresses his disillusionment with human self-consciousness, and his desire for the entire race to stop reproducing for the purpose of extinction. Luckily for us, part of our journey as the audience will be finding out where this deep-seeded resentment comes from. Perhaps it was his upbringing in an often sunless Alaska? Or the death of his daughter and subsequent divorce from his wife? Maybe it's because Mayflower Moving Co. lost everything (save for a modest pile of books about sex crimes) during his move from Texas, and this is the "furnished" apartment he's now stuck with?

Or it could be the fact that he carries around such a large notebook. Why such a large ledger-type notebook, Rust? Taking a lot of notes and definitely not drawing crime scenes?

Oh. Weird. Even weirder is that despite how rocky Cohle's partnership with Hart seems to be at the onset, they manage to remain colleagues for seven years before it completely dissolves for unspecified reasons. And that's where we pick up in 2012. After being off the grid for eight years, Cohle is roped back into the realm of criminal investigation, albeit on the other side of the questioning. The years since 1995 have certainly not been kind, either. He insists on smoking during the interview, and bargains with the interrogating detectives to get a six-pack of Lone Star (16-ouncers, too, which is basically an eight-pack) since it's one of his days off. Just how far removed from his dark, existential past he is, though, is something we'll have to find out as we go along on the ups and downs of his life since the start of the Dora Lang investigation. But we must warn ourselves: Relying on Cohle's recanting of his story could prove to be a treacherous step into misdirection. He is, after all, an alcoholic who is only going to get drunker as the show goes on.

Martin Hart B

"You got a chapter in one of those books on jumping to conclusions? You attach an assumption to a piece of evidence, you start to bend the narrative to support it and prejudice yourself."

Whatever Rust Cohle is, Marty Hart isn't. He's not a bible thumper by any stretch, but as a family man, a Christian, and an all-around "regular dude with a big ass dick," Hart has a near-impossible time processing Cohle's uber nihilism. (Even calling it that seems too ambitious.) But he tries to lay the groundwork for a fruitful partnership by insisting that Cohle join him, his wife, and two daughters for dinner one night. (Which incidentally is the night of Cohle's late daughter's birthday, so yeah, THAT almost turned out to be a disaster.)

Hart is a little more by-the-book --  a cop who has never fired his gun in the line of duty and is skeptical of anything less than concrete evidence for getting convictions. Even when we fast forward to 2012, he is keeping himself out of trouble, having left the force and now runs a security firm and does some private investigation work. He seems well-off, plumper, and absent of his youthful mid-90s coif of hair. All signs that even ten years after the dissolution of their partnership, Hart continues to live a life the polar opposite of Rust Cohle.

That is, until we see this:

No ring. I don't want to pull a Cohle-esque jump to conclusions, but perhaps that is indicative of how Hart's life is very much NOT okay. That behind the fluffery and put-togetherness of Hart's life lies a cold, dark existence that perfectly mimics Cohle's.

"The Long Bright Dark"A-

Well paced, cinematic in scope, and beautifully acted, the pilot of True Detective delivered on its promise (or at least my projected hope) of being more than just another cop drama. It's going to be a fun eight weeks bearing witness to the show's coloring between the lines of the milestones it has already established; that in 1995 Cohle and Hart open and close the Lang murder investigation, and that in 2012 they are both living separate lives when a similar ritualistic murder takes place. I hope you all crafted your Devil nets, because you'll need them to catch where he's lurking -- in the details.

Extra Credit

• Cohle's nickname of "The Taxman" for carrying around a comically large notebook
• Hart: [On Cohle labeling himself a pessimist] "Okay, what does that mean?"
  Cohle: "It means I'm bad at parties."
• Whether it's the mysterious nature of the Fontineau girl's files, or the suspicious "destruction" of the Lang case file due to Hurricane Rita, it's clear that police departments in 1995 and 2012 are still subjects of incompetence and corruption
• Cohle: "I can smell the psychosphere."
  Hart: "I got an idea. Let's make the car a place of silent reflection from now on."
• The department's Major Ken Quesada promises the perpetrator will know "swift Louisiana justice," which I hope is swifter than Maine Justice
• SO MANY ill-fitting button-down shirts and awful wide ties in the State Police circa 1995
• "I JUST WANT YOU TO STOP SAYING ODD SHIT."

Demerits

• While the show's intro does set the tone for it's cinematic feel, I clocked its length at around one minute and 15 hours. Why so long, intro? That's too long. By like a bunch of hours.

Hannah: "Yeah, but you know what, Adam? I don't want to do it. And it's really liberating to say no to shit you hate. So you go ahead, you live your truth. I'll be here, living my truth."

Girls might not have won any Golden Globes last night, but the show's already been awarded a fourth season -- not a bad silver lining, I'd say...

Hannah
B+

"This rocking chair is so pointy. It's not giving me any room to express myself."

It looks like Hannah has pulled herself back together thanks, in large part, to Adam's help. She's going to therapy, taking her pills, and back to work on her book. Kudos, really. But it all feels a bit too seamless, which is why Natalia's bitter speech is sure to haunt these lovebirds. I don't know entirely what to make of Hannah's role in the first two episodes, except to say that she's pretty much back to square one -- hosting dinner parties for her friends who definitely do not need four tacos each. At least now Hannah has her ambitions again, so an impromptu road trip to pick Jessa up from rehab seems realistically invasive of everyone's time and money. Their friendship last season took a pretty intense dip, so their reunion was bound to be unsatisfying for both. Friends don't usually hug with such disdain, Jessa.

P.S. Hannah lying in the woods listening to This American Life is none of us lying in the woods listening to This American Life. Unplug and marvel at the wonder that is nature, Hannah.

Jessa
C

"Can I get my pot back?"

Marnie
B

"If you could avoid love and feelings and like matters of the heart and soul, you will be so much better off."

Warning: Next week's teaser threatens another musical moment. Please, please, tell me Marnie's singing dream died along with her relationship and that this is just some drunk karaoke moment amongst friends...

Shoshanna
B+

"My friend Rachel is fully addicted to blueberry Red Bull and she always tells me that she hasn't had one, but she tells me like with a blue tongue."

Shoshanna is living her life this season, free of Ray's suffocating love and out from Jessa's shadow. She's on her own sexual journey and is arguably the best person to bring on a road trip. Pairing her and Adam together is kind of ingenious, both with such big personalities on opposite spectrums. And my heart just aches for Shoshanna in that hotel room, after Adam abruptly ends their game of truth or dare, the moment she realizes she's the third wheel.

It's nice to see Shoshanna getting some more meat to her story. I think her sexual exploration could interesting, especially if it's handled through the lens of her studies. Because, oh yeah, in case you've forgotten as many people often do, Shoshanna is still in college.

P.S. Shoshanna smoking a cigarette is ALL of us smoking a cigarette.

Adam
B

"Really knowing someone is something else. It's a completely different thing. And when it happens, you won't be able to miss you. You will be aware. And you won't hurt or be afraid. Ok?"

Natalia's rant at the beginning of the first episode was a doozy, and Adam is sure to feel the ramifications of her words. But I think we'll be more focused on his lack of friends and undefined career ambitions this season. Who is Adam outside of Hannah or even Natalia? I guess his sister's unexpected arrival next week will be the first real in-depth examination of the man behind the body.

"Females Only"& "Truth or Dare"
B & A

Jasper: "People have to come to things in their own time. You have to know when honesty is righteous, and when honesty is a party trick."

These two episodes reiterated one strong reason why I find Girls to be worth all the hype: we dream about being Jessa, but in reality, we are most likely Shoshanna. And that's a good thing. Jessa plays fast and loose with her life, using experimentation as a way to keep real life at bay, while Shoshanna lightly experiments almost in the way that you take weight lifting for extra credit in college. Her foray into parties and sex with strangers is almost appropriate in the context of college. And even though we once found Jessa's actions to be glamorous, they are much less so in the harsh light of day. Also, in rehab.

It looks to be a season of new beginnings, attempts at maturity and adventure. I, for one, am all for it!

Extra Credit

• "And when I remember that, I don't want to huff lighter fluid anymore." Laura, a.k.a. Taystee from #OITNB represent.
• Jessa: "Mindy enjoys wearing scrunchies. No one has addressed that."
• Hannah: "I didn't buy these chips for my health, ya know?"
• Adam accidentally quoting The Rolling Stones and Shoshanna not getting the reference = life.

• Hannah: "Do you think that sixteen tacos is enough for four people?"

Demerits

• Shoshanna: "I will never be bored as long as there's Halloween."
  Adam: "I hate Halloween." NEVER trust a person who doesn't like Halloween. Or is it always trust a person...
• Hannah is doing the whole road trip thing wrong: "No wonder truckers do cocaine, this is boring as hell."
• Amy Schumer's character to Hannah: "Did you leave in a rush?"Burn.

The haze coming from Hollywood this morning isn’t the glow of victory; It’s a sweaty hangover. Let’s all just admit it – The Golden Globes were drunk. Like most rowdy nights out, the night included euphoric highs (Amy Poehler!) and devastating lows (Ray Donovan!?). We laughed, we cried but mostly we felt oddly fascinated by a three-hour ceremony where prepared speeches and drinking in moderation where not en vogue. Let’s discuss the good, bad and ugly of the first awards ceremony of 2014.

Amy & Tina

The Good: No surprises here, these ladies are flawless. They managed to find just the right range of goofy (Tina’s teenage son) to biting (Exhibit A) to brash (Exhibit B) without being offensive. Their bits including Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Bono were excellent. Someone should present Seth McFarlane with a game tape to review. Plus, they looked AHmazing.

Exhibit A:“Gravity: The story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die then spend 1 more minute w/a woman his own age."

Exhibit B:“Now, like a supermodel's vagina, let's all give a warm welcome to Leonardo DiCaprio.”

The Bad: Best: Amy Poehler’s win was well-deserved after years of Leslie Knope being one of the most watchable and endearing characters on TV. Not only was her faux-makeout with Bono the stuff of legend, her speech was so delightful, it was like the audible equivalent of a stack of J.J.’s waffles. Even if you aren’t a P&R fan (um, have you met Ron Swanson?) you have to admit the victory was worth it to hear Tina say: “I love you, and there’s a special place in hell for you.”

The Ugly: Best Again: Calling Matt Damon a "garbage person." Excellent. 

The Speeches

The Good: Alfonso Cuarón accent ancedotes were hilarious and charming. Plus, the ladies of American Hustle -- Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Adams -- were both so endearing, grateful and genuine that it's hard not to root for them. And for a mother of two in her 40s, J.Law looks FAB.

The Bad: I love Jordan Catalono Jared Leto, but was pretty underwhelmed by his tales of waxing.

The Ugly: Jacqueline Bisset. Go home, you’re drunk.

The Awards

The Good: It’s nice to see Breaking Bad recognized for its final year. Bryan Cranston appeared genuinely elated (and it’s such a relief to see he’s OK after dealing with all those Nazis.) Vince Gilligan is always a class act and we got to hear Aaron Paul say “Yeah Bitch!” which is clearly the best thing to happen so far in 2014.

The Bad: I’m not sure it’s bad that Brooklyn 99 nabbed two awards. Twitter mentioned that the show needed the accolades to secure renewal, so kudos to Season 2. And like most hot-blooded straight women, I find Andy Samberg all kinds of adorable. But is this show better than Parks & Recreation? Or Veep (which wasn’t even nominated!!!) Definitely not.

However, I’m willing to overlook the injustice based on the bromantical look Seth Meyers shot Andy when he won. That’s true friendship, y’all.

The Ugly: Jon Voight as Best Supporting Actor? Jon Voight over Aaron Paul? Has the Hollywood Foreign Press Association not seen Jesse cry? Jon Voight over Behind the Candelabra Rob Lowe’s plastic surgery nightmare face that haunted our dreams for all of 2013? Jon Voight over House of Cards and The Good Wife?  No one watches Ray Donovan for a reason. Poor judgement.

The Surprises

The Good: Emma Thompson let loose and it was everything wonderful about these awards shows. She literally kicked off her shoes. God bless you, woman!

The Bad: P.Diddy usurping the mic from the award winner to mention his yacht party. Stick to where you belong, Mr. Combs: MTV or 1999.

The Ugly: The seating arrangement. Every winner had to navigate a labyrinth of tables to reach the stage. (Silver lining: Robin Wright booking it LIKE A CHAMP.) 

The Woody Allen-related

The Good: That Cate Blanchett’s amazing performance in Blue Jasmine was recognized the same night that Woody received the Cecil B. DeMille Award seemed fitting. Cate was composed, funny, sincere and she looked gorgeous in a classic black dress. THIS, ladies and gentlemen, is a movie star.

The Bad: As a New Yorker, I’m obviously obsessed with Annie Hall and Manhattan, and so I obviously LOVE Woody and Diane’s relationship. Parts of the speech got me choked up because whatever has happened in Woody’s past (Yeah... there's a lot of 'whatever'), there’s no denying their genuine friendship. So it’s strange that what started as a lovely tribute took such an odd turn when Diane started to sing the girl scout’s song [let’s skip all the jokes about Woody liking little girls… Twitter covered that last night.] But seriously… Why did this happen?

The Ugly: No Woody. Sigh. I’m not surprised that Mr. Allen differed to pick up his trophy as awards aren’t his thing, but damn it would have been nice to see him work the room.

The Production

The Good: For the most part, the intros were quick and snappy – which made for an interesting juxtaposition while the celebrities starred blankly into the camera searching for words from the English language. The dialogue was paced well, and the meatier bits were saved for those could actually work it like Robert Downey Jr., Jim Carrey, Jimmy Fallon and Melissa McCarthy. These are the equivalent of the cool kids at the high school party who can hold their liquor.

The Bad: The dude in charge of the play-off music had a raging power boner. Far too aggressive… You don’t want to piss off Leonardo DiCaprio. Just ask Billy Zane.

The Ugly: The person tasked with running the teleprompter. OUCH.

Other winners:

Tasteful sideboob: Everyone’s favorite Cards Against Humanity card had a strong showing last night from winners Robin Wright and Amy Adams to naked girl in The Wolf of Wall Street.

Beautiful mentorships: Leo and Scorsese. J.Law and O. Russell. It’s always delightful to see a symbiotic actor-director relationship – especially between a young talent and a sage mentor.

Dallas Buyer’s Club: Jared Leto and Matthew McConaughey took home trophies for their moving performances.

That's about all for me. What about you guys? Are you furious, happy or just hurting from hangover?

I leave you with a philosophical debate: Is an awards show without Jon Hamm or Brad Pitt really an awards show at all?

Well, this week’s episode was… horrifying. Not the whole thing, of course, but the last 15 minutes were a nightmare. After that awful scene, it was hard to remember what happened before, but as Anna experienced (in a more shocking way than Lady Mary did), life goes on even after terrible things happen to you.

To a lesser degree, a few more of our favorites found themselves in turmoil. Mr. Carson again fought helplessly against the changing times, Mr. Molesley began to accept his backslide, Tom Branson struggled with his place in the family, and Edna Braithwaite found herself a place in Branson’s bedroom.

Even though we’re all aghast at the destruction, much of this episode focused on mending: Edith’s boyfriend earned Lord Grantham’s respect, Mrs. Crawley came to dinner, and Lady Mary learned to laugh again. Until Rose brought out Matthew’s gramophone, that is.

Dowager Countess B+

Even though she can be very progressive when encouraging Mary to assert control over her portion of Downton Abbey, the Dowager Countess is firmly in the old guard when it comes to meeting an opera singer. Time for some remedial 1920s prep, Grannie.

Lord Grantham C+

"I hate gambling - grown men throwing away their fortunes... what could be more stupid?"
"I couldn't agree more..."

Miracles do happen: Lord Grantham was humbled by and learned to respect both Dame Nellie Melba and Michael Gregson. However, all it took was knowledge of wine and poker, so perhaps he’s still the superficial nobleman we know and sometimes love.

Lady Cora A-

Her feisty American spirit makes it easier for Lady Cora to welcome change, and this week proved the divide between her attitude, Lord Grantham, and the Dowager Countess’s. Lord Grantham and Mr. Carson had decided to send up a tray for Dame Nellie, finding it inappropriate for a singer to dine with Lady Grantham. About 30 seconds after finding this out, the Dame was seated next to Lord Grantham, comparing taste in claret.

For standing up to stodginess, Lady Cora earned high marks this week.

Lady Mary B+

Lady Mary’s coming back to us, and while she’s afraid of losing the person she was with Matthew, she has clearly retained some maturity. Instead of just flirting with Lord Gillingham, she consults him for business advice, which she follows.

If Lord Gillingham is smart, he’ll keep things platonic – Lady Mary’s lady parts seem to have a curse, since the two men who’ve visited the region turned up dead. Intelligence isn’t most men’s best trait, however, so fiancée or no, I suspect we’ll be seeing more of Lord Gillingham.

Lady Edith B

Lady Edith invited her boyfriend, Michael Gregson, to the house party in hopes he’d get to know her dad. Try as she might, she couldn’t get her own father to talk to her man. While she’s improved in viewers’ eyes, her family’s respect hasn’t caught up to ours. Just keep wearing those sassy head scarves, Edith – they’ll catch up.

Michael Gregson A-

There’s still something fishy about this moving to Germany for business, but Michael basically won this episode. He braved his fears and came to the house party, beat the card shark at his game, and won Lord Grantham’s money back for him. I agree with Lord G – Michael behaved like a gentleman this week. Better, in fact, than the actual gentlemen in the room. Life may have bruised him a bit, but hopefully Michael and Edith get to have adorable blonde babies someday… who don’t grow up to be Hitler.

Mrs. Crawley B+

Mrs. Crawley is having a hard time. When you lose someone irreplaceable to you, it’s difficult to see life moving on for others who loved them, too. You can’t imagine how the world keeps spinning, let alone how the deceased’s wife can dance with another man. It’ll always hurt, it’ll always feel unfair, but Mrs. Crawley is tough. She’ll find her groove.

Cousin Rose B-

Rose didn’t mean any harm by having Alfred bring down the gramophone for dancing, but like any young woman with raging hormones and a desire to dance, it was a thoughtless decision. She seemed to show genuine remorse, so I’ll be interested to see if she learns to lessen her wake.

Tom Branson C+

"I'm a fish out of water, and I never felt it more than today."

What happened to Tom? He’s been clipping right along, being the estate agent and wearing tuxedos, but a couple conversations with the Duchess later and he’s ready to throw in the tails towel. I understand his urge to talk to Edna, who “understands him,” but he doesn’t seem to get that she understands him well enough to play him, and she only needs one giant glass of whiskey in her arsenal.

We didn’t see what happened after she snuck in, but they probably weren’t sewing one of Lady Cora’s dresses. Here’s hoping Tom gets it together next week.

Mr. Carson and Mrs. Hughes B & A-

It was kind of Mr. Carson to hire Mr. Molesley to sub as footman after Jimmy hurt his wrist, but empathy isn’t his strong point, and he delivered the news that not only would Molesley be second footman behind Alfred, he’d do it wearing gloves. Not sure I understand the slight in wearing gloves, but it seemed offensive. Mr. Carson operated mostly from his crusty old butler façade this week, apparently sending his bleeding heart away on the train with Charlie Grigg last week.

Mrs. Hughes was enjoying a relatively calm house party, with no dead bodies being discovered, and then she sees Anna, bloody and disheveled, hiding in her office. She tries to get the doctor and encourages Anna to report the violence, but when Anna is adamant that it needs to stay a secret, Mrs. Hughes helps clean her up. While there was surely a way to handle this rather than hiding it, ultimately, it wasn’t her decision, and she did her best. 

Mr. Bates and Anna B+ & B+

Despite his seemingly unreasonable anger and jealousy about Mr. Green, everyone should have trusted Mr. Bates’s intuition. We can’t blame him for not following Anna downstairs, but his trust was never worse timed.

Nobody should ever be raped, but it was particularly icky that it happened to Anna, who is sweet and good. She cares more about her husband’s safety than justice for herself, but I suspect that keeping this secret will do more damage than calling the doctor.

Mr. Green F-

Mr. Green is repugnant: he instigates rowdy card games, looks jaundiced, and oh – is also a rapist in his free time. Can’t wait for his comeuppance. He’s also the valet of Mary’s new flame, so I’m curious to see where this leads – hopefully to a long drop with a short stop for Mr. Green, whose soul is black.

Edna Braithwaite D-

If I believed Edna really loved Tom, I might feel differently, but she’s clearly a social climber. Put the whiskey down and step away from the chauffer, Edna.

"Episode 2" B+

The first couple episodes were a long wind-up for a painful punch. The attack on Anna downstairs juxtaposed brutality with Dame Nellie Melba’s beautiful rendition of Puccini, which she dedicated to love and lovers. While the Crawleys and the rest of the staff sat enraptured by an opera singer, Anna was screaming for help. While there’s no stopping someone who’s bent on evil, this was the clearest example yet of the dangers of focusing on jeweled dresses and society entertainment.

Do you think this was the show’s way of condemning the world it was created to show? How long do you think it’ll be before Bates finds out and flips his shit? We’ll likely hit that high note soon, but in the meantime, share your guesses in the comments.

Extra credit

• Alfred got to help cook dinner!
• Dame Nellie Melba was a real person.

Demerits

• Jimmy – that’s what happens when you show off: a hurt wrist and a broken jar.
• I call bullshit on that whiskey being enough to fell Tom. I’ve known Irish guys who could down that glass at breakfast.
• When Michael Gregson said "card sharp," I was afraid I'd been embarrassing myself with a misunderstanding by saying "card shark." Thankfully, Google tells me they're interchangeable.
• Card games that require you to snatch cards from the middle of a table... why can't people just play a nice quiet game of Euchre?

Episodes like this are why I love How I Met Your Mother. Sure, we're anxious for Ted to finally meet the Mother and for Barney and Robin to get hitched. But "Slapsgiving 3: Slappointment in Slapmarra" was a good ole-fashioned HIMYM adventure into pure zaniness that touched upon the show's early roots, showing the gang at their quirky best and always give a plentiful amount of laughs. The skewering of "Kill Bill" was top notch (except they missed a prime opportunity to have Billy Zabka as Charlie Brown). Nobody really cares how and when Ted meets the Mother anymore, Marshall's final slap is the only worthy plot point from here on out. 

Marshall

A

The curly haired warrior Marshall ventured to Shanghai and Cleveland to learn the slap of a thousand suns. And through a long arduous training process of tree slapping, over-tipping, and heart expulsion of his masters, the mighty Marshall succeeded. If Marshall should encounter god on his journey, god would be slapped. And Barney received his in the end, with one more coming. For learning and utilizing an ancient martial art (despite the tragedies of killing his trainer and having to visit Cleveland in the process), Marshall gets an A. 

Robin/Red Bird

B+The first component to the Slap of a Thousand/Million Suns is speed, and the dexterous yet discreet Red Bird taught Marshall the power of slapping before the opponent knows they have been slapped. Red Bird's strength is her silence, and while she's eating noodles, drinking tea and under tipping, Marshall earns the speed needed for his legendary slap. She would get an A, but because Red Bird was so unappreciative of her food service (despite being a customer there for what, 60+ years?) Red Bird gets a B+.

Lily/White Flower

C+The speed had been earned, and the sage of Slap Mountain, Ms. White Flower, was due to give Marshall his strength. But White Flower made the foul mistake of falling in love with her pupil, a big no-no in ancient Chinese slappery arts. Maybe this was White Flower's way of getting back at Barney, who I can only assume, slept with her seeing how she got so angry at the mention of his name. Marshall did become more powerful by receiving the slaps of Barney's former partners, but I can't help but think this was just a ploy by White Flower to figure out how many women Barney 's had a treeway with since her. For succeeding in her mission despite holding a 106 year old grudge against Mr. Stinson, White Flower gets a C+. 

Ted/The Caligrapher

B+The Caligrapher was the final sensei in Marshall's slap journey. Just like Ted, The Caligrapher tried to give off the aura that he was a zenful master of loneliness. But someone who literally had their heart slapped out of their body can't be content with their romantic life. The Caligrapher's secret of just like, being really accurate with the slap you know?, wasn't anything that Marshall couldn't have figured out on his own. But in his awkward death, Marshall found something to slap for, and for that reason The Caligrapher gets a B+.

Barney

CNot only did Barney not know Marshall had traveled to the foulest corners of the earth in Shanghai, Slap Mountain and Cleveland, but he was the fateful recipient of the Slap of a Thousand/Million Exploding Suns. It's pretty silly to think that with his extensive network of bro-contacts that Barney couldn't have picked up a tip that Marshall was in extensive martial arts training. He must have had to see the Instagram pics of White Flower and Marshall on top of Slap Mountain, but Barney looked the other way, not knowing that revenge was coming to his doorstep. He survived the attack, but with one slap left, there's very little hope that Barney will survive, or at the least, he'll end up taking his first bad picture while getting slapped. 

"Slapsgiving 3: Slappointment in Slapmarra"

AA purely fun episode that gave a hilarious homage to "Kill Bill" and three classic samurai reimaginings of the main characters, "Slapsgiving 3" didn't progress the plot journey at all, and for that we give many slaps of thanks. 

Extra Credit

• Shout out to Pai Mei! Who knew the ancient martial arts trainer from Kill Bill was also a children's book author? I guess that's what he was doing when Beatrix Kiddo was punching that same board all day. 
• Red Bird definitely seems like she could be a distant relative of Robin's. Seeing how she's of Russian descent, it isn't too hard to imagine one of her ancestors trekking down to Shanghai and shacking up with a local girl to give birth to Red Bird. It'd only be even better if Red Bird was some sort of Chinese teen pop star. 让我们去商场，今天！

Demerits

• If HIMYM is going to make references to "Kill Bill", they need to go all out. Clearly Barney is Bill and Marshall is Beatrix Kiddo. James Stinson would be a more suave and sophisticated version of Budd. Robin is Elle Driver, Lily is O-Ren Ishii, and Ted is Sophie, literally losing parts of himself over a beautiful woman. We just need to figure out who Buck, the nurse who likes to, well, um, you know, is. Ahh, I got it. Her name is The Mother, and your emotions she will smother. 

“Peter’s in real trouble, Eli. He’s in trouble for one reason. Will Gardner.” –Marilyn

Yes, this episode was convoluted and crazy with its frenzied double jury plot line, but it did give us a chance to see some of our favorite lawyers work together for the first time in a long time. Don't ask me to explain the circumstances, because I honestly don't understand them, but for some reason or another, Will and Diane were representing one half of a couple while Alicia and Cary represented the other. They were on opposing sides but also on the same side? I don't know. There was a lot of yelling. The best part? VICTOR GARBER. That's right, Jack Attack Bristow has returned and he delivered a fantastic performance. I particularly enjoyed how disheveled his hair became towards the end of the episode.

Alicia

A-

Finally, Alicia and Will are back together again! Okay, that's a completely misleading statement because they were only back together on the same side (roughly) of the courtroom. It was exciting to see Alicia and Will act out their frustrations in the courtroom, this time with Cary and Diane by their sides respectively. I was shocked right along with Alicia when Will totally lied about the two of them observing two juries from opposite sides colluding. He's really lowered his standards to beat her while, with the exception of donning the white suit, Alicia's stayed relatively above board.

Will

BThere's no denying that the "it only works if no one believes you're in love" aspect of the court case they were trying connected directly back to Will and Alicia. This whole game of my law firm versus yours is rooted in Will's fears that Alicia never really loved him at all (not true). But enough of this gooey romantic underbelly, let's get to the real matter at hand: Will's pants. Which surely must have caught on fire by now with all the lying he's doing. I was floored when he admitted straight to Peter's face that he was willing to lie about their conversation on election day regarding the damning video of Jim Moody transporting the fraudulent votes just to punish the governor for denying Diane's judgeship. Who knew Will was so protective of Diane? Wait, he's totally not, he just wants to destroy Peter.

Cary

A+

Cary, you sly fox! Can you believe he pulled one over on Kalinda? Tricking her with a spilled drink and a fake text to steal a client from L/G? That whole operation was impressive and we were all rewarded with several Logan-level smiles throughout the episode to show just how pleased Cary was with his work. You know what else he seems pleased with? Kalinda showing interest in him again. This has been such a slippery story line that we've never been able to peg down exactly what's gone on between these two. While I doubt there's a happily ever after in store for Carinda, it sure would be fun to see them try.

Kalinda

B+

“I’m sorry.”–Kalinda
“For?” –Cary
“For things ending poorly between us.”–Kalinda
“You’re forgiven, anything else?” –Cary
“Yeah. You’re being a douche.” –Kalinda

Seriously, Kalinda? It didn't strike you as odd that Cary's phone wasn't password protected? Clearly she's distracted when she's around him... Can they just start having the sex please? Also, how great was the look on Kalinda's face when she bumped into Robyn while they were going after the same investigation target? Priceless.

Diane

B+Not much going on in Diane land. Will is sticking it to Peter for rescinding her judgeship, but I can't say she'd be very happy about that if she knew. Fab outfits this ep though.

Peter

BPeter either doesn't care how much trouble he's in or doesn't fully comprehend how much trouble he's in. I'm finding it difficult to tell (or remember) how much Peter knows about the whole ballot box scandal, but it seems as though he's in some serious shit. I think he knew, right? He seemed a little shifty when Marilyn approached him about it. I do love how the writers appear to be setting Peter and Will up for a knock-down, drag-out brawl, the likes of which we haven't seen since the Bridget Jones sequel.

Eli

A-

“Eli, I could fill a book with what you know about what you don’t know.” –Jim Moody

Ever the master of 'creative encouragement' towards his underlings, Eli's grip on reality and Peter's governorship is slowly slipping away. It's weird and slightly enjoyable to see Eli completely lose control of a situation. I want to say it's clear that he told Jim Moody to move forward with the fraudulent ballots, but it's anything but clear. I mean, somebody had to have told him. Jim Moody doesn't seem like the kind of guy to come up with his own plans. So was it Eli acting alone to ensure a win for Peter or did Peter do it on his own? OR were Eli and Peter in cahoots? So many questions!

"We, the Juries"

B+I'm still adjusting to the fact that this is the last new episode until early March, but it certainly set up a lot of juicy plot points for us to address come spring. Alicia's emotional plea to Peter to just effing fix it was intense and Eli is clearly going to spin right off this planet if he can't get things back under control. I'm just glad this whole Marilyn's baby daddy story line is over. Can we get some more Cary and Kalinda time please?

Extra Credit

• CARY CARY CARY
• Everything Cary did
• Cary's cute smiles
• The editing was brilliant with the juxtaposition of the loud, chaotic double jury scenes with scenes of pure silence. Very jarring.
• A million extra credit points to poor Harris the bailiff of the double jury trial

Demerits

• Kind of disappointed that Victor Garber's character is just a judge. I wish they'd found a meatier role for him! Although he did get this great line: “It’s like herding cats with you people.”
• I can’t decide if the Springsteen music fits TGW perfectly or if it’s completely distracting

If you've never seen Archer before, go watch the season five premiere because Archer coverage has come to Character Grades! (Just like the old gypsy woman said!) Archer is one of the best shows on television and this season's premiere provides a perfect jumping in point.

Archer promises to be a completely different animal this year, discarding the spy setting after an FBI investigation reveals that ISIS has been operating without approval from the government. After being hauled in for interrogation (and cleared of all charges by Mallory pulling strings), the ISIS gang decides to get into a new line of work: namely, the drug cartel business. However, it's unlikely that everything will go smoothly, which is great news for fans of animated comedy and arcane pop-culture references.

Archer

A Archer begins the episode in a different frame of mind than usual. He's happily handing out flowers during a bizarre, hilarious opening sequence. Sometimes I find it strange just how much Sterling Archer has actually changed throughout the show's run. Not because his transformation has been done badly, but because such subtle, believable character growth is pretty rare on any comedy, let alone an animated comedy with a character named Nikolai Jakov (read it aloud). He's a huge asshole, but he has grown more compassionate and sympathetic as the show has gone on, in part because his good and bad qualities all stem from the same place: his incredibly screwed up childhood.

I also just found this amazing picture of the guy who voices Archer (H. Jon Benjamin, who might be the funniest voice actor alive) and wanted to share.

Lana

A- Usually a voice of reason, Lana gets some really silly moments this week. Most hilariously, in a heated argument with Archer, she gestures at her unborn child with a loaded gun. If that sentence bothers you, Archer might not be how you want to spend your Monday nights. If it excites you, you either have been or will be spending some time in an FBI interrogation room. Best of luck!

Mallory

B+ After some hints last season, it's finally revealed that Mallory's leadership of ISIS has not always been on the up-and-up (surprise!). Turns out our friends at ISIS have been unknowingly committing treason for the entire first four seasons of the show, thanks to Ms. Archer.

Cyril

BLooks like the Tinnitus train might be making a stop in Cyril-town after he refuses to cover his ears during the FBI raid. That's kind of the funniest thing Cyril did this week, which is pretty much par for the course. Cyril has never been a hilarious character, but the rest of the cast needs someone to bounce off of and he's always up for the job.

Pam

A Pam's repeated requests that her FBI interrogator throw a bone in her were pretty funny. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think showing Pam masturbating under her skirt (Archer: Not a children's show) was the most graphic thing the show has actually put on screen. But mostly, Pam gets an A for coming through as the Archer Vice montage MVP. From gobbling amphetamines to being tranquilized to whatever this was, Pam was hilarious this week.

Cheryl/Carol/Cherlene

A- Cheryl's "Mrs. J. Edgar Hoover's mother" impersonation had me pounding the table with laughter. However, it was immediately surpassed by her quick ascendancy to the throne of America's fourteenth favorite country singer. Also, watching her eat glue during the FBI interrogation was fantastic.

Ray

B+ Ray, as he often does, returns to his somewhat ironic role as the show's straight man. He only gets a couple lines, but the moment in the montage we see that Krieger has installed goose-stepping robo-legs in Ray had me laughing out loud.

Krieger

B+ Lucky Yates, who plays Archer's resident boy from Brazil, gets upgraded to the main credits. This is a little worrying, because I think a little Krieger goes a very long way, but I trust Reed and Yates to keep Krieger funny.

As for this episode, Krieger was fine, if not great. We got a callback to his cloning project, but his best moment was either revealing that his first name is, of all things, Aldrinop or responding to Lana's "If I want Hitler's DNA spliced him into him, I'll give you a call" with a shrug and "Yeah, I'm around."

"White Elephant"

A- Adam Reed likes to play it fast and loose with narrative continuity. I've never seen Sealab 2021 (so I guess I'll hand over my TV critic badge and gun on the way out) but Frisky Dingo uses ret-cons as often as Game of Thrones uses female anatomy (and often as nakedly). Even so, I've never seen anything quite like this Archer premiere.

"White Elephant" is totally devoted to transforming Archer from a show about globe-trotting secret agents to one about globe-trotting super-criminals. Weirdly enough, it works. Not just because the episode is hilarious, but because the treason charges against ISIS mean that it was always a show about criminals and never a show about spies (I think). Either way, I'm excited for this season.

Extra Credit

• "How is this better than your second fake fiftieth?"
• "You're supposed to yell FBI at the beginning. After the flashbang but before other Fat Mike gets shot. And what happened with getting 'FBI' on the fronts of the uniforms."
• "You know prisons aren't coed, right?"
• "You'll just have to put that on my—whatever—crime tab."
• "It's the government. Even if it weren't legal they'd enforce it."
• I'm not sure where to put the ending montage. While it was hilarious, I'll be disappointed if we ever see any of those clips again. A lot of Archer's humor comes from its madcap energy, which I think could be hard to build if the audience is waiting for particular clips from this episode. Also, a lot of the stuff (goose-steppin' Ray, Lana-as-Mallory) seems like it might be much funnier without any narrative context. However, I trust Adam Reed and am ready for him to prove me wrong.
• All the clip-show type stuff got me thinking: what are the best clip show episodes of all time? I've got Community's "Paradigms of Human Memory" and "Curriculum Unavailable" along with South Park's "City on the Edge of Forever". Any thoughts from you folks?
• If you're interested, check out The A.V. Club's interview with Adam Reed.

Demerits

• Cheryl's "I'm seriously asking" gag was never funny. A rare dud. 

Archer is back and it looks like it might be better than ever! At least that's my take. What do you think of the show's new direction?

Mindy: "Yo, bro! Yo, bro! That's my Johnny Drama."

No matter: grab the sunscreen and every bathing suit you own, we're going to Cali!

Mindy
B
 

"I'm obviously pretty sure that I'm Hindu."

Since her phone conveniently dies at the party, Mindy only reaches out to Cliff again at the end of a very long night. Turns out, he'd been checking up on her at the party I don't remember her telling him about. And so, Mindy is single again. Well, that was fast.

Danny
A

Mindy: "Hey, I mean this in a nice way, but please don't hang out with us in L.A."

If you think back to several episodes ago, when we met Danny's brother Richie, we learned that Danny and his father are estranged. What this L.A. trip threatens for Danny is a potential run-in with the man, so he would rather get sucked into Morgan's weird tourism than deal with his problems head on. We get a few laughs, but what was with the timing of everything? Five minutes into the episode, we're a week in?! Weird.

Highlights: Morgan steals a cowboy hat for Danny, only adding to his manly swagger and rugged good looks. This is, of course, just before telling him that he called Danny's dad. Pissed, he calls Richie who is at a Taylor Lautner appreciation party... wait I'm going to repeat that for emphasis -- he is at a Taylor Lautner appreciation party where Ramon accidentally swallowed a sparkler. I just... where do you go from there?

Apparently, back to your hotel room at the Y, where Chris Messina attempts to make the most of a dramatic scene that is ill-equipped to actually sell Danny's daddy drama. He broods, drinks, and makes the one phone call he's been dreading to make. To the writers of The Mindy Project, this is the storyline that I feel most invested in, with excellent casting and nuanced acting. FYI.

Peter
B

Aside from making way too many outdated comments and jokes about Entourage, Peter is most excited about L.A. because he plans to make a romantic gesture to Maria Menounos. Unfortunately, she's in Hawaii so instead of a sexy reunion with his holiday one-night-stand, Peter gets taken down by Pat O'Brien and tasered. He also doesn't get to meet Turtle from Entourage at the holiday party, because Morgan ruins everything.

Morgan
C

Morgan to Danny: "I don't have any money. I left my money in your underpants."

I'm just so mad at Morgan right now for ruining Peter's night. It's like, what were all the Entourage references even for now that he didn't meet Turtle?! Points for forcing Danny to deal with his dad and gifting him with a pretty sweet hat. Otherwise, stop storing your money in other people's underwear, buy a wallet.

Casey
B+

Admittedly, I have a soft spot for Casey, and I'm super pumped to see him doing well with his store "Dope Feet." Getting naked in a public pool at a fancy celebrity party is risky, but you can't blame a guy for trying. Unless he's a former minister and then you've probably got a few follow up questions. But have a little compassion, people, Casey's lost five cats to sharks already, and they were rescues, so, come on.

Kevin Smith
E for Effort

"...I remember one time Matt Damon left me alone in the woods, Matt Damon the actor..."

Shh, shh, it's okay Kevin, just eat your slider in silence.

"L.A."
C+

Danny: "I just tried a BLT with avocado."

For a show that relies heavily on its one-liners, this was a clear example of why jokes alone will not carry an entire show. I mean, I have so many follow up questions: does the Cliff breakup mean Casey is back in the picture? Will anyone ever offer to pay Morgan enough money so that he can afford an actual hotel room on the company trip? Did the team actually learn anything at the conference?! It's sad to see such a disappointing episode after a string of good ones...step it up, Mindy & Co!

Extra Credit

• Mindy to Kevin Smith while eating sliders: "I'm like an ant hill, you're like a volcano." His fat jokes are a bit mean-spirited, but he gets an earful back -- YOU TELL HIM, MINDY!
• Mindy: "Babe, this is the palest I've ever been. I'm basically a white person. Yesterday, I caught myself watching lacrosse, and I liked it."

Demerits

• They're just, like, completely taking Dr. Reed off the table in this episode, huh...
• Mindy: "Someone just threw a cigarette butt in my mouth."Nope, not real, too dangerous.
• Also, do you know how hard it is to find an episode photo that doesn't include Mindy? This is both a pro and a con, I recognize that...

“Do not challenge me to a sex standoff. I can channel all my sexual energy into knitting. How do you think I made it through high school?” –Jess

Frustrated by the fact that Coach doesn't seem as easily swayed by her charms as her other roomfriends, Jess sets out to befriend him by feigning an interest in basketball. No, Jessica Day is not the first gal to fake-like sports to get a guy's attention, but she is probably the the first girl to swear off sex with her own cute boyfriend just to make a point about forging said friendship.

Winston continues on his path of career exploration (having quit his job in a fit of insanity last episode) and makes the poor decision to shadow Schmidt at work to learn more about marketing also known (only by Schmidt) as "the backbone of capitalism." It's wise Cece who points out that Winston's love of reading people, following clues, and eating doughnuts might make him a good cop.

Jess

A

“I found a way to force myself into all of your lives, you just didn’t know it. Food! [Nick] Clothes! [Schmidt] Onesie pajamas! [Winston]” –Jess

Alright, I loved Jess in this episode. Say what you will about Jess/Zooey and let's just table all our opinions about her adorkableness to yourself. I found her extremely relatable in this outing and I was impressed with her ability to stand her ground with Nick and his sexual challenge while making a point to Coach about friendship. And can we talk about that adorable black and white polka dot dress she wore with the red belt and cardigan? OH WAIT THEY AREN'T POLKA DOTS, THEY'RE APPLES. Too cute.

Nick

A-

“Hey, where are you guys getting your photos developed these days? I’ve got these beefcake selfies that I want to dangle in front of Jess and get our engines revved up.”–Nick

My favorite aspect of this episode was the gender reversal that took place as Jess was (artificially) ensconced in basketball while Nick trotted around in his tiny red shorts and Bulls jersey trying to draw her attention away from the evil Pistons game. Sadly, Nick is the worst seducer ever and his threats to 'turn off the sex tap' are clearly unfounded. He even manages to turn himself on while trying to seduce Jess. It was also pretty great that grumpy old Nick was the inspiration for Winston and Schmidt's plan to take down the backstabbing geezer at Schmidt's office.

Schmidt

B+

“I am in Marketing, Winston. The backbone of capitalism. Without it you’d be dead in two days.” –Schmidt

Oh how I enjoy the little peeks into Schmidt's work life. We knew he was dominated by fierce women at his job, but now he's had to take on the septugenarians as well. Faced with an ageism suit (for firing a woman once she turned 45), Schmidt's company is forced to hire an old guy to offset the lawsuit. Ed, the seemingly sweet old guy, turns out to be a manipulative a-hole who steals Schmidt's brilliant concept of 'mircromarketing' and pitches it to the boss.

Winston

A-

“You’ve already got high cholesterol and weird people skills. Officer Bishop. It would be nice to retroactively justify that mustache.”–Schmidt

Winston is still wandering down the lost career path of confusion after quitting his job in a fit of aggression last week. He makes the wise (or not so wise, depending on how you look at it) decision to shadow Schmidt at work where he learned pretty much nothing about marketing. Thankfully, Cece was able to connect the dots about Winston's affinity for analyzing people, following clues, and eating doughnuts, leading him to want to become a cop. Um, hello FOX execs? We have you're next spinoff for you: former Latvian basketball star trades his jersey for a badge and rids L.A. of crime this fall on Officer Bishop.

Coach

B

Sure, it was a dick move for Coach to refer to Jess simply as "his buddy's girlfriend," but he was unable to resist her wily ways in the end. I love that Jess's plan to get to the gooey emotional center of Coach through his interest in basketball worked. They'll make excellent butt-bumping buddies, no doubt.

Cece

B+I like that Cece's new job at the bar makes her more a part of the gang (it's difficult with her being the only main character who doesn't live in the loft building), but I get the feeling the writers just didn't know what to do with her. Thank goodness for her sage advice though, or Winston would still be following Schmidt around work.

"Basketball"

A-I loved the playful reversal of the typical gender roles with Nick prancing around in his tiny shorts to draw Jess's attention away from a basketball game. It also made me extra thankful that Nick and Jess are together because they are the worst seducers ever and their charms would probably only work on each other. I'm excited to see where Winston's new aspiration to become a cop takes him.

Extra Credit

• Jess calling Coach a walnut. I'm totally going to start using that.
• “You refer to it as ‘basketsball’.”–Nick
  “That’s the technically correct term, Nick! There are two baskets.”–Jess
• Jess's comparisons to sports rivalries: Sharks and cats, whales and dolphins, Jean Valjean and Javert
• “You really think mine was food? I can think of five other reasons why I wanted to be your friend. Boob, boob, vagina, butt cheek, but cheek.” –Nick
  “In that order?"–Schmidt
  “Well, I’m not going to say vagina, butt cheek, boob, but cheek, boob.”–Nick
  “But that’s the correct order.”–Schmidt
  “Yeah, that’s it.”–Nick
• “So where do you do the marketing?” –Winston while shadowing Schmidt at work
• “That’s the new guy? New compared to what? The moon?”–Schmidt to Ed
• “That liverspot out-sharked me.”–Schmidt
• “I’m going to beat you with an orange in a sock.” –Ed to Schmidt
• “Jess! You win! I’m all backed up. I’ve even been fantasizing about Winston.”–Nick in a Pistons jersey
• “I don’t like basketball! There’s like no fun parts. There are no themes. Men should not be wearing tank tops. Never!”–Jess, a girl after my own heart. Basketball is the WORST.

Demerits

• The fact that when Nick and Jess get in a fight, she just goes back across the hall to her room. The roommate relationship would never work in real life.

"Neil Patrick Harris would never bet his showmanship."

 

Um, you guys, Brooklyn Nine-Nine killed it at the Golden Globes! Samberg took home a Globie and so did the WHOLE show! Um, I sort of feel like we won, too. Is that wrong? Also, is it wrong to call a Golden Globe a Globie? I don't think so. We did it! We won 2 Globies! Everyone should gets As this week because they earned them for bringing home those Globie(s)!

 

Det. Jake Peralta & Det. Amy Santiago

  A & AObvi, Golden Globe … excuse me … Globie winner, Andy Samberg gets a big fat A this week but so does Jake Peralta. He won the season long bet with Santiago (who could get more felony arrests) plus he won our comedy hearts by setting up the "worst date ever" which wasn't just funny but kinda romantic in bits. Here are my exact responses, a.k.a someone please set this date up for me.

• Confetti cannons: Um, that's an exciting way a date to start off being asked out on a date.
• On bended knee being asked to go on a date: Yes. Please. Sign this gal up.
• Making Santiago dress up like she was at a Bar Mitzvah in the 90s: So retro, so fun, plus I have a ton of those dresses at the ready.
• "Just Lost a Bet" sign on the back of his car: Awwwww.
• 3 bathroom breaks. Wow, that seems REALLY generous on a date actually. Thank you, gentleman. 
• Impromptu performance of the steerage gig from "Titanic": To borrow another 90s movie reference, "You had me at hello."

Santiago was a surprisingly great sport about losing the bet AND about going on the worst date ever. And she even said, "Yes, 311, what's the safest way to set a car on fire?" which I liked. Plus, the date bonded Santiago and Peralta in a sweet way that wasn't too "will they or won't they" and was just enough "oh they are becoming good detective partners." Yay! As!

Det. Charles Boyle & Det. Rosa Diaz

 A & ALast week Boyle was just too much and this week he was a better than he's ever been. No filter looks good on your, Detective. His straight shooting was refreshing from the nicest guy at B99. Plus, it gave Rosa a new insight into Boyle as a cop and man rather than the puppy he usually is. Speaking of puppies. WHERE ARE ALL THOSE PUPPIES BOYLE HAS? ME WANT. 

Captain Holt & Sarge 

A & AActually, I don't even really care what Sarge and Captain Holt were doing because they were up staged by SERGEANT PEANUT BUTTER! That dashing horse who a) pooped on the stage and b) was fetted by the United Nations and this lady.

Gina

 A

"Have you seen Rosa" --Boyle
"Rosa died 8 years ago." --Gina

Hilarious as always. 

"The Bet"

AYes, Brooklyn Nine-Nine got As because of the Golden Globe wins but it also gets REAL As because all the characters grew just a touch and were super funny. Yay!

Demerits

• ZERO!

Extra Credit

• Sergeant Peanut Butter. Sergeant Peanut Butter and Sergeant Peanut Butter.
• Gina's love for the aforementioned Sergeant Peanut Butter.
• Gina actually taking care of Boyle during his truth bomb a thon. Aw, even GINA grew in this episode!
• TWO GOLDEN GLOBES!!!!! #globies4eva

At the tail end of a phenomenal season, we've been thrown a Hail Mary of epic romantic and blasphemic proportions. Larry wants to marry Piper! Pennsatucky loses her faith, gets it back, and wants to kill Piper! Piper wants to build a life with Alex but Larry wants her back! Healy's wife wants him to clip his toenails! So much drama and personal hygiene taking place, and just before the end! But if we've learned anything through these past twelve episodes of television mastery, it's that nothing ends well for Piper. 

Piper 

C

Piper opens the episode by cleaning the prison halls, both literally and metaphorically of the wounds she imposed on her inmates after Larry's candid NPR segment. And the cold hard truth from Crazy Eyes that Piper just isn't a good person seemed to be a little much for the blondie to bare. Now with Larry's proposal to forget their proposal and just tie the knot, Piper is in cahoots. Of course she's going to pick Larry over Alex, which is a bad move since Alex might have been the only one to stop the Pennsatucky's yellowed teeth bite. Piper is finally coming to terms with her own fault as a person, but she still is living this fantasy where she supposedly deserves more or better. Obviously this isn't going to work out for her, with her life falling apart at the lack of or due to the grasp of Larry or Pennsatucky's hand. For mistaking her doomed fate for good fortune (despite doing a heck of a job at mopping), Piper gets a C.

Larry

CJust as Larry was less than happy to find that there was dandelion in his coffee, he's pretty pissed off to learn about that this gold haired yuppie girl isn't so sweet as he thought. And Larry also admitted that yeah, just maybe he exploited his wife's predicament for his own career gain... just a little. But most interestingly was finding out the root of Larry's frustration is his confusion over Piper's true sexuality. Nobody likes it when their S.O is unfaithful, but it's significantly worse if your significant other isn't even into your own gender. I don't think that Larry is homophobic so much as he is terrified that he may not actually know his fiancé as well as he thought. He still went through with the shotgun wedding proposal, but no love can truly last with a gun pointed at it's head. For letting fear get the best of his judgement, Larry get's a C.

Alex

DYou got to give props to Alex. Not only did Piper expose her about ratting out the blondie, but she took it upon herself to see through Piper's bullshit and beg that she be yelled at. And while Piper was talking about what the duo would do once they were released, there was a faint hint of self-aware impossibility looming behind Alex's eyes. Alex knows that Piper is ultimately a bad drug, and despite her best reasoning she can't break her addiction. For falling for a pretty face despite full well knowing the consequences that await her, Alex gets a D. 

Daya

D

So Daya goes through with the rape entrapment of Porn Stache, which disgustingly succeeds. Unfortunately, her lover Bennett doesn't really reciprocate the good will she showed for him. Entrapping an asshole, no matter how misogynistic, disgusting and unquestionably putrid that asshole may be, is still kind of a bad thing. It seems that Daya didn't even wonder whether Bennett would want to be intimate with her again after she was "violated" by Pornstache. This plan worked out for her but not for anyone else, and for not thinking through with her actions Daya gets a D.

Pennsatucky

A

Looking at what we know about Pennsatucky, it's hard not to picture her as a little girl attending Jesus Camp somewhere in the boonies, converting third grade non-believers who would face the wrath of her trapper keeper otherwise. But her actual background of a repeatingly pregnant meth head was surprising, but also kind of fitting. The craziest evangelical zealots aren't born that way, they're converted. And after Pennsatucky caught a lucky break with a Christian lawyer despite murder in cold blood, you can't help but wonder if God actually is on her side. She lost her faith for a moment but got it back, and after Piper's dismissal of Jesus in favor of Neil DeGrasse Tyson's scientific teachings, she's out for holy vengeance. For coming out on top (if you can call using the religious defense to exonerate your abortion clinic killing coming out on top), Pennsatucky gets an A.

"Fool Me Once"

B+Putting in place the plot points that will define the finale, “Fool Me Once” gave some intriguing backstory on Pennsatucky while making the Piper/Larry/Alex love/hate triangle even more tantalizing.  

Extra Credit

Demerits

• Has Pornstache never heard of locking the door? Wasn't that the same closet that lead to Trish's accidental death? This isn't so much a plothole as much as lazy writing. But hey, OITNB has been great so far so I'll let it slide.