In a season full of high hopes, backhanded betrayals and disfigured meth head teeth, I must bid a bittersweet goodbye to Piper Chapman and crew until they return this Summer 2014. And boy, did these girls put on one hell of a show in "Can't Fix Crazy." Not only did Piper's love life untangle completely by the threads, but the entire prison hierarchy collapsed, with only utter chaos and anarchy filling in the voids between who's in charge and who's just a power player. It's only natural that if you keep dozens of rowdy women confined in a small area that they're bound to collide into each other. But just as everything else we've learned this season in Orange is the New Black, nothing really goes according to plan.
Piper
CLike a college student desperately trying to drop a class before the end of semester deadline to save their GPA, Piper is racing against the clock to get her marriage to Larry approved by prison officials. But ultimately her efforts were futile, as Larry's misguided visit to Alex completely unraveled the yuppie lifestyle she had been building for the past few years, plus she lost her true romantic partner in Alex. But saving her lifestyle wasn't as important as saving her life when Pennsatucky approached the blonde with a classic prison shank. And instead of trying to pawn off her problems on someone else or beg for help, Piper finally did what we'd desperately been hoping for this whole time: she manned up and took care of business on her own, with a crotch kick and bona fide Sonny Corleone beat down all over Pennsatucky's yellow teeth. As J.K. Rowling said, "rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life", and now that Piper has lost everything, it's only upwards for Chapman from here.
Larry
BAs Larry explained his plans to marry Piper to his parents, they responded with a trademark "her?"Arrested Development-esque expression. And although Larry's judgement had been too clouded to figure out maybe Piper wasn't worth it this whole time, he finally got the cold hard truth from Alex that Piper is a straight up psycho and immediately ended things. Often times you'll hear of married couples who'll stay together in an abusive relationship because they don't feel like they have any other options. Luckily Larry figured out he was being abused before signing away his final vows, and although his writing career may not have as much oomph without stealing Piper's stories behind bars, Larry imprisoned personal and romantic life is finally free to do as it pleases.
Alex
BIf Alex wasn't a fictional character and a lesbian and there was some sort of prison romantic partner program, I would move immediately to the tri-state area and put my name at the top of the list to be with the hard truth-telling inmate. Although she figured out (again) a little too late that Piper isn't really worth it, she found a much cooler (albeit crazier) lover in Nikki. Alex definitely has the smarts and rationality to become a key prison player if she wanted, and could probably get involved enough to get parole. But since she wishes to be so reserved from the action (which is probably the best call in all honesty), she just needs to endure her lengthy multi-year sentence. Which isn't so bad when you have Nikki by your side.
Red
FHolding any sort of powerful position naturally broods a large ego, and Red was no different when she was forced out of her role as Kitchen Head/Top Inmate Arbiter. But Red let her resentment and jealousy get the best of her when igniting the grease fire. While she thought that maybe the fire would somehow reinstate her as head chef, ultimately it made her even more alone and powerless than she already was. For not knowing to quit while you're ahead, or behind rather, Red gets an F.
Pennsatucky
CWhile Pennsatucky's nearly demonic stalking of Piper lead to her getting her ass kicked, ultimately the meth head will end up miles ahead with a brand new set of teeth now that hers are lodged in Piper's fists. We'll have to see in season two whether Pennsatucky has calmed down, but even if not, she'll still have some nice pearly whites to show while praising the word of god.
"Can't Fix Crazy"
AA wonderful, no holds barred finale to a masterful first season of a great television series.
Extra Credit
- Larry easily has the most fashionable winter wear I've ever seen on television. If his writing career should start to dwindle, Larry should serve as a consultant to Gap or J. Crew.
- Props to Red's silent hen who finally got the courage to sing at the talent show. Let's hope she speaks up more in season 2.
Demerits
- Now that the season is finished, I must remark that Daya and Bennett's relationship felt very contrived. I can appreciate the series took the effort to create an intriguing scenario of a prison/guard romance, but at the same time seeing Bennett get so upset over Daya's sleeping with Pornstache and the two "falling in love" despite knowing each other for such a short amount of time feels a little forced.
