The World Has Turned and Left Me Here.

“The future sounds great. I’m super excited about the Internet.“ - Kai

Well that’s an hour of my life I’m never getting back.

You might notice that your usual recapper, Kelly, is not the voice behind this article. She is kind and lovely and generous, and sadly out of commission this week. So I'll apologize in advance because I'm about to tear this episode to pieces. Enjoy the ride.

Honestly, it wasn’t so very awful, but I find myself constantly comparing The Vampire Diaries of now to what it was a few years ago; I just can’t figure out how a show that used be so epic has become so utterly boring. Don’t get me wrong, the major plots this season kick last season’s butt (not exactly a difficult feat), but I’ve lost all sense of danger or unpredictability when I watch the show these days. Bonnie is self-sacrificing? Check. Damon has more snarky lines than serious ones? Check. Stefan is a tool? Check. A nefarious villain fucks up the plan at the last minute? Check. At least the special effects budget is still big enough to drive a truck into a bonfire, causing several improbable explosions.

Elena

B

“C'mon, Rick. You are like one hoodie and three missed haircuts away from becoming Professor Shane.” - Elena

I’m ten kinds of bored with Elena right now. I mean, it’s cool how she decided to just move on with her life instead of going back to sad town, but other than that? It’s a struggle with the remote not to fast-forward through all of her scenes. We all know this Liam kid is going to be toast as soon as Damon gets back into the picture, so why get invested at all?

Caroline

COh, Caroline honey, no. Stefan is the dude that ignored you for four months, rejected your confession of almost-love, and then dropped his newbie vamp ex-girlfriend on you like you were the help. And you just smile and agree? Sorry everyone, but Caroline gets a piss poor grade for being a total doormat. 

Besides that, Ivy commenting on Caroline’s feelings for Stefan was super heavy handed and lame. Let’s do a role call of all the people who’ve suspected Steroline of romance, shall we? Katherine, Tyler, Nadia, Lexi, Elena, Enzo, Ivy… did I miss anyone? Helpful hint, writers: if you have to repeatedly have your own characters tell the audience what they should be shipping, you might suck at your job.

At least Caroline stood up for herself towards the end there. If I thought for one minute it was genuinely to make her seem like she had a backbone instead of just to thicken the romantic tension with Stefan, I might have enjoyed it more.

Ivy

FBitch, you need to control yourself. I don’t remember any other new vampires being this annoying or having this much lack of control. Maybe Vicki…? The point is that Ivy was a walking plot device, and I get enough of that on The Originals thank you.

Damon & Bonnie

A & A

“Remember how I was all ‘boo, grrr’ and you were all ‘yay hooray, we’re getting out of here?” - Damon

Did Bonnie just kill a dude in cold blood? I think Damon might be rubbing off on her. Either way, these two are the best part of the season, hands down. All of their scenes bring a smile to my face, and theirs is the only plot I'm actually invested in. I always thought there was potential for Bamon, be it romantic or not, and this season is really working that dynamic. Sadly, Kai just had to drop back in from the dead – does anyone actually die on this show anymore? – to screw everything up. I don’t blame Bonnie for wanting to cut him out of their one way trip. He’s totally psychotic, and Supernatural has taught me a thing or two about letting the devil out of his cage. But still, once they got caught, I feel like it might have just been smart to say ‘whoops’ and let Kai come along. Beats getting yourself stuck in purgatory forever.

Lo and behold, it only took Damon five episodes to return to the land of the living. I think that’s a record. The hug with Stefan was pretty damn adorable, and it reminded me what I like most about this show: Defan. Those two better be endgame or I’ll be really pissed.

Alaric

BAll I could hear was Lea Michelle belting "On My Own" during Alaric's scenes. Poor guy.

Stefan

DThis asshole wins the award for Worst Boyfriend In The History Of Ever. Seriously, Ivy might have been a handful, but she was your handful. Dumping her on Caroline so you could go mope all day is beyond rude. Did a doppelganger pull another body swap or something? The Stefan I know and love would never drop Ivy like a bad habit and hit the road. Where is the Stefan who so helpfully fostered Caroline and Elena's transitions into their new life? Kudos to Alaric for calling him out on that bad behavior.

I hope now that Damon has returned we can get real Stefan back. Who knows if he’ll have any friends left after all the shit he’s pulled though.

The World Has Turned and Left Me Here

CNot the best episode but not the worst. I'd call it average, bordering on mediocre.

The Homecoming party on campus brought back the ever beloved "town function" that always keeps our heroes looking stylish and surrounded by hundreds of potential victims. Plus, a haunted corn maze was the perfect fit for a Halloween episode. Really, the night had all the ingredients of a great hour of television: blood, murder, witchcraft, kissing, and compulsion. Unfortunately I think TVD has hit the roadblock that most veteran shows hit at some point or another. They've reached old age for a teen soap, where everything feels stale and all attempts to freshen things up feel a little desperate and weird. We're getting much better stuff than we got in Season 5, that's for sure, but I think we can all agree that our favorite vampire drama lost its magic somewhere along the way. 

There's always the potential crossover from the long-lost Mikaelson spinoff to liven things up, but those are few and far between. Personally, I'm thinking it may be time to put TVD out to pasture. 

Demerits

• Remember how it took Damon hours to dig a hole that Elijah stomped in with one foot?
• So who technically killed that guy in the corn maze? Ivy, Tyler, or Liv? It was kind of a joint effort in my opinion
• This episode had an alarming lack of Enzo.

Extra Credit

• Is it just me or do Bonnie and Kai have like weird, hot chemistry?
• Who wants to place bets on how long it will take Tyler to trigger his wolf curse? That was his third near miss and we’re only five episodes in. 
• Doctor Jo can’t be compelled, which means Alaric is totally stuck with a hot stalker.
• At least the music was good?