The Big Game.

Really, guys? Another filler episode? Two in a row? Mreh. "The Big Game" focuses mostly on a football game, coached by Cam, played in part by Manny, and announced by Luke, so, you know, it's relevant. 

Cam & Manny

B- & A-The opposing team's coach just died, but Cam wants to break the record for number of season wins (a whopping two), so he presses his footballers to kick ass. He also keeps accidentally referring to the potential victory as his and his alone, which is how you know he's a great coach. Manny, however, wants the other team to win so they don't feel so crappy about their dead couch, so he keeps trying to convince Cam to let them throw the game. In the end, Manny kicks the winning field goal and is torn because he doesn't know if he meant to or not... and will probably never know. Cheer up, Manny — you'll have plenty of chances to lose.

Lily & Gloria

B & B Lily has a boyfriiiiend and Gloria unsurprisingly gives her terrible advice. Well, okay, it's not terrible advice — it's just that Lily's like, 6, so the rules of dating don't apply to her. (I, on the other hand, have gotten many a'boyfriend by sitting on them until they agreed to go out with me.)

Claire & Jay

B+ & A Claire is embarrassed to be seen with Jay (and so is Manny) because she doesn't want people to treat her differently 'cause she's the boss' daughter. In an effort to prove to her dad she doesn't need his help, she climbs her way out of a closet model and knocks a bunch of walls over while he watches the whole thing on the security feed. It's never fully explained but it sounds like she crushes one of her co-workers.

I like how Jay looks so sad when Claire practically jumps out of the car door, and love that he's using the mug Claire gave him with a picture of her as a little girl on it. What a softie!

Mitchell

B+ Mitchell has gotten a job offer and wants to put in his two weeks' notice, but his boss just got dumped and Mitchell needs constant male approval. (Way to go, Jay.) He spends the afternoon at the game with Bossman, because why wouldn't he want to go to a high school football game instead of trying to find and win his woman back?

Phil

A-

Desperate to not end the month without making a sale, Phil is in borderline shambles. Unable to enter the house the right way, he has to sneak in through a window — under which sits a fish tank. He goes outside to get his stuff but lets the door slam him back out of the house, so he sneaks into another window — under which sits aquarium/snake house. It's here where Phil wins the show as he attempts to charm the snake out of his shoe, including by playing a recorder.

Luke

A-Luke is a killer announcer, but he's a smartass, and ends up getting a black eye for his troubles. Did that quarterback even get in trouble?

Haley & Alex

A- & A-

Alex, like that guy in It's a Wonderful Life, is pretty much invisible at school, judging from how Haley is given a pin and told "no student should be without one" while Alex looks on with narrowed eyes.

Meanwhile, Haley spends some time making out with Dylan (who's going to be a nurse so he can heal people with drugs instead of music), even though she's clearly meant to be with Andy, who is sadly absent from this episode. HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE US WAIT, WRITERS?

Haley redeems herself when she changes Dylan's "Haley Dunphy Do Me" signage to "Alex Dunphy Do Me" so her sister doesn't feel like such a loser. Obviously trying to get Alex to think her self-worth lies in how much people want to bone her, but it's a nice thought.

"The Big Game"

B- I don't know why I haven't noticed this before, but why does this entire family go to everything together? You'd think they live in a tiny town in upstate New York. I don't believe for a second that Alex wouldn't forgo the football game to hang out at home and read. (I never did that or anything.)

Next week's episode is called "The Old Man & the Tree," so I'm going to go out on a limb and say it's a Christmas special — holiday episodes are always a surefire way to pick a show up out of a slump.

Extra Credit:

• Claire: "So I finally get out of the closet, and there's dad, looking down on me."
  Mitchell: "Been there, done that."
• Alex: "Ma'am? I sit next to you in English."
• Cam's superstitions include slamming footballs against the doorframe and into the refrigerator

Demerits

• GO AWAY, DYLAN. Stop trying to tempt Haley into returning to her old ways and let her become the person she needs to be to go out with Andy.