The Devil Inside.

“Seriously, I’ve never met a group of needier people.” – Katherine

In this week’s episode of The Vampire Diaries, everyone had a role to play. Katherine had to play the role of Elena, Caroline had to play the role of the apologetic trollop, Damon had to play the role of someone with a conscience, and Stefan had to play the role of Mr. Feeney from Boy Meets World.

But, now that Katherine has officially overtaken Elena’s body, and Damon has officially decided to start killing for sport again, we’re left with a shaky future for our characters, as well as a lot of burning questions. Like:

• How will Elena get her body back? (By killing Katherine, obviously.)
• Will Damon ever turn his humanity back on? (Duh, as soon as Elena comes back, obviously.)
• Did everyone banish Bonnie because they didn’t like her haircut? (Yes, and that makes them fools, because it’s super cute.)
•  And, who on earth would trust the fate of their existence to a probably homeless chick with crimped hair? (Katherine. Katherine would.)

Katherine

B I could probably watch an entire episode of Katherine hating Elena from literally inside her body, because it’s fantastic. But, as much as I love Katherine, and as kickass her breaking up with Damon using words ripped directly from someone’s Tumblr rant was, I feel like nothing is going to go well for Ms. Pierce from here on out. Trying to get Stefan to fall in love with her as she’s pretending to be Elena is possibly the dumbest idea in the world, and this show is bursting at the seams with dumb-as-shit ideas. I don’t really think she’s thought this one through long-term.

Also, outing Caroline to Tyler moments after saying (quite sincerely) that Caroline was one of the few good people left was such a dick move, but so indicative of Katherine’s character – it doesn’t matter if you’re her best friend in the world, she’s going to do whatever it takes to get what she wants… even if it means throwing you under the sex-with-Klaus-on-a-tree bus.

As much as I hate to say it, I think this is the beginning of the end for our dear Kat, and I need to start working on my Goodbye sonnet now.

Damon

B+ Y’all are going to think I’m Schizophrenic, but I absolutely love Unapologetically Asshole Damon. It’s when he starts the self-pitying whine party that I want to throw heavy things at his head. But UA!Damon is hilarious, confident, fun, and most importantly, not blaming all of his problems on other people. Kudos, Eyeballs McGee! You did it!

Oddly enough, I even enjoyed Damon’s apology to Elena, right up until the point where he started assigning her as the keeper to his humanity, because bro, she’s 18, and nobody got time for all that pressure. When I was 18, I could barely remember to call my boyfriend back, much less put the entire fate of his well-being in my hands. Maybe someday, Damon can figure out how to be a good person without needing someone to make him do it, and until that happens, I’m on Team Single Damon. Hell, I’m on Team Single Everyone. These bitches got Dr. Phil-level issues they need to work out.

Elena

A When Elena wakes up in the middle of a strange ritual involving the opened up corpse of her doppelganger in the center of the room, her first instinct is to start stabbing people, and I really dig that about a girl.

Stefan

A I really need Stefan to have a plotline that isn’t “walk around giving people sage advice like a really attractive Yoda.” That’s not to say that I don’t love wise old Stefan, and his scene with Caroline in particular was super cute (as was his punching of Tyler) but Stefan hasn’t had anything to do but spout off quotes he read in a Chicken Soup for the Teenage Vampire Soul book and dream about drowning in a long time. He deserves more than that.

Also, “Why should we judge people based on who they’re attracted to?” Stefan, I love you, but I was once attracted to a crack dealer on an episode of Cops. Does that mean I should bone him? No, and I fully expect to be judged for it. Really, really judged.

Caroline

A- In other circumstances, I can see how sleeping with the guy that killed your ex-boyfriend’s mom miiiight be a bit of an asshole thing to do, but this is The Vampire Diaries. Literally everyone is a cold-blooded murderer, and they all get to have sex still. Damon killed Matt’s sister and Elena’s brother, and he still gets to have sex (well, not with Elena anymore… but you get it.)  Rebekah tried to kill Matt and Elena, and Matt still got to sleep with her. Stefan and Katherine have killed hundreds of people, and nobody gets mad when they get it on. My point is, everyone on this show sucks a lot, and is kind of a bloodthirsty psychopath, so we can’t hold them to normal people standards. Normal people sex standards would say “Don’t Nail Klaus.” TVD sex standards say “Get It Girl.”

That being said, just like Caroline has every right to give Elena shit for Damon being horrible, others have a right to give her shit for Klaus being horrible. Neither Caroline nor Elena are bad people. They just make back-asswards judgement calls when it comes to who to let in their lady business. 

Bonnie

A Now that Katherine has assumed Elena’s body, it’s inevitably going to be up to you to figure out how to fix it. We’re back to that old game of “Something bad’s happened, let’s pretend to be friends with Bonnie.” So, uh, get prepared.

Tyler

B- Sorry about that one time your ex-girlfriend nailed your nemesis and then you got punched in the face.

"The Devil Inside"

B- Not going to lie, pretty bored by this episode. It seemed full of sloppily tied loose ends (“My parents trust came through and I cut off Augustine’s funding, surprise!”) and things that made no sense (how did Enzo know where Damon lived, and why are all of these characters that have literally been separated from the real world for hundreds of years so easily assimilated into modern culture?) and lacked the spark that last week’s episode had.

Extra Credit

• “Play along with my secret, Matty-Pants.” Katherine treats Matt like a puppy, and I love it.
• “Who do I love most, Bonnie or Caroline? Please say Caroline, please say Caroline.”

Demerits

• When Matt said he was going to “Invite some people” to Tyler’s party, I scoffed because these kids have, like, 4 friends combined. Apparently Matt put an ad out on Craigslist.
• No, really. How do these children buy so much booze? It’s not like they live in NYC where they’re just faces in a crowd. They live in a tiny-ass bumblefuck town in the middle of Virginia. Everyone knows everyone. Someone is going to notice that A) no one is at college B) nobody has parents and C) these 18 year olds are literally just wandering around town with alcohol at 2pm on a Sunday and NOBODY BATS AN EYELASH. Is it too much to ask for my CW show about vampires to be realistic?