“I’m not a terribly good person.” –Klaus
My apologies for the lack of recap last week, good old baseball trumped the airing of the episode for those of us on the east coast. But we’re back now for an episode that’s promised to be a heartbreaker, which really turned out to be an hour of same old same old, until that last moment when they kill off Klaus for the night. That last bit, that’s supposed to be the heartbreaking part, I think. The real tragedy of Klaus’ death though is that he’ll be back by next week for sure, and when that happens he’s going to be throwing a major pissy fit that’s going to make us all wish this was Game of Thrones where people actually die for good.
Now, before we move on to the grades, I have some news: This will be my final recap. Unfortunately, nobody threw me a good-bye party at a lake house so I won’t be able to make this announcement accompanying an instagram post with as much flair as Nina Dobrev (which, to be fair, I also didn’t play a doppelganger, and die and come back to life a million times and fall in love with not one but two men 100 years my senior so…). Nonetheless, I do want to say that my time writing recaps for Character Grades has been the most fun because of the enthusiasm I have received from my readers. I’m going to miss our Monday night twitter pow-wows, the insightful comments I receive after every recap and the hilarious tweets I receive throughout the week, even days after my recaps go up. We really have been in this together, and you guys were always the best part about recapping these shows.
Now that’s enough sappiness *wipes away tears*, let’s get on with the grades!
Klaus C
Klaus was up to his usual shenanigans in this episode. He moped. He fired off paranoid ramblings, he threatened his entire cast of co-stars at least once, he had a therapy session with Cami, he cried a little bit and then he died. In his busy day of doing Klaus things, he actually took some time to revisit an old hobby I was worried he had lost passion for when he had taken up patricide and matricide and fratricide (well, basically just killing off his family members, and then complaining when nobody loves him): He painted. Yeah, that’s right, watching Klaus paint was a confusing mix of, “Oh, damn! I forgot he could paint!” and “Oh wait…turns out he can’t...” Remember once upon a time when Klaus painted Caroline a horse, and we were all like, “Awww….he painted her a horse and it doesn’t suck! That’s so sweet!” and then a few episodes after that he painted a snowflake and we were like, “Okay, so maybe a 5th grader could paint a snowflake, but I can see how this one might have some artistic merit.” Well, sadly, for Klaus, painting is not exactly riding a bike and his artistic abilities has been reduced to slapping paint on a canvas and calling it art. In lose defense of his waning artistic talent though, he was only painting to hide his father’s ashes inside the artwork, so maybe he wasn’t really trying.
Elijah F
Elijah had a real chance to kill Hayley tonight, and did he do it? No, of course not and for that I will never forgive him. What does Elijah do instead? He fought with Klaus mostly. They had the same conversation on what to do with the Dahlia/Hope situation at least three times. Then, to add some variety to the episode, he had Klaus’ back when all the wolves turned on him when they thought he killed Aiden (oh that’s right, forgot to mention, Aiden died. Who’s Aiden?...oh sorry, I meant Token Gay Werewolf) but about two scenes later Elijah decides to kill Klaus. Yup, you read that right, he chose to kill Klaus, but not Hayley. I think Elijah just needs to go back making eggs and fixing fences with his shirt on. I’m so disappointed in him.
Hayley & Poor Man’s Jon Snow F & F
So these two have Hope and they are keeping the poor thing prisoner and dressing her up in this hideous orange and brown getup (just look at the poor kid hiding her head in shame in that gif.). Their genius plan to keep Hope away from Dahlia is to strip her of her magic, run away with her to the swamp and then leave New Orleans together. Not once did either of them stop to think that it’s a terrible plan for no other reason than for the fact that Hope would be stuck on the run with the two of them. Think about it. With Hayley busy perfecting the art of whining and nagging all day long and Jackson working on getting his facial muscles to show emotion, who really has the time to take care of a baby? If either of them has a heart, they would just hand the poor thing over to Dahlia.
Dahlia A-
So, unfortunately, due to last week’s baseball game, we did miss The Great Coming of Dahlia. But the good news is, you do get the gist of what she’s all about after her first two seconds of screen time in this episode. Think Esther (not discount Esther, TVD Esther), but with dark hair and without the umbilical cord dragging Finn around and you get Dahlia. Oh and she whistles. I think it’s meant to be sinister, but I’m not sure. Either way, she’s cool enough, but only because I have faith that she might be Hope’s only chance of survival if Dahlia ever manages to rescue her from the clutches of her terrible parents and guardians.
Cami F
Cami continues to be this show’s Megan Draper-the doe-eyed pretty girl no one really needs around, but for some inexplicable reason she’s still a character. I must say though, the most extraordinary thing about Cami is that she’s managed to hold therapy sessions without any qualifications, trying to “therapize” (as Klaus would say it) people who have legit MAJOR issues, and somehow no one has sued her for malpractice yet. All the deaths that’s going around New Orleans, that’s all on you Cami! Because your psycho patients are still psychotic, even after talking to you, BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT A REAL SHRINK!
Rebekah & Marcel F & A
Rebekah has become the new Hayley. She complains. A LOT. About everything, but mostly about Klaus, and that’s all she really does and even Marcel is like, “God I need a break.” I mean the man’s just trying to relax, shoot some darts, and Rebekah just wants to keep yaking about her family drama. Marcel suddenly remembers he unofficially adopted a teenage girl way back when he was more than just the Token Black Guy, and thought visiting her was a good excuse to get away from Rebekah for a few hours. That gives us some heart warming scenes between Marcel and Davina, but only because any scene with Marcel doing something significant is heart warming.
When The Levee Breaks C
“One should never use the word ‘heartbreaking’ to promote a TV Episode, if one does not understand the meaning of ‘heartbreaking’.” – Confucius
Extra Credit
- Dahlia has gotten here at last.
Demerits
- Mikael died. That’s supposed to be news. But all I kept thinking was, “Wait, didn’t he die, like three weeks ago?”
- Freya, Cami and Hayley should form a club. The Why Are We On This Show? club
- I know Rebekah and Marcel had an on again, off again romance in Season 1, but they never spent this much time together before they became the two Token Black Characters on the show. They aren’t even keeping up with the romantic storyline anymore, the two are just hanging out in their own little corner “across the river”, trying to fight the segregation.
- Is the finale episode titled “Ray of Hope”? Come on guys! You’re just making this way too easy for me!
- Update: I was confused as to which part of the episode was the heartbreaking part. It was a coin toss between Klaus’ temporary death and Aiden’s (quite possibly also temporary) death. Turns out it was Aiden’s death that was the heartbreaking one. Also, apparently he was a “beloved” character. What?? What show have I been watching?
Well here we are, at the end of the recap. In the words of bugs bunny, “That’s All Folks”. Thanks for your encouragement, your support, but most of all, thanks for the laughs. Goodbye for now.
~Evaline