For those of you reading this review who have NOT yet seen this episode of Saturday Night Live, GOOD. Spare yourselves and keep it that way; reading this will suffice. For the rest of you poor souls who saw the Prince and Chris Rock lineup and thought “Oh man, that’s probably gonna be awesome!”, I’m sorry. Here's a picture of one of the few funny sketches of the night to make you feel better. Let me drape this blanket over your shoulders while we sit in the trenches together and talk about our feelings.
The Host: Chris Rock C-
“If you see me talking about a disease, I GOT IT.” –Chris Rock
I love Chris Rock. I don’t think I’ve ever come across anyone in my life who DOESN’T love Chris Rock. I mean, I know they exist, but they’re a lot like aliens: definitely out there, but too far away to actually care about. But, between flubbing most of his lines, leaning hard on the cue cards, and (in my opinion) missing the mark in his monologue stand-up set, I was massively disappointed.
Rock began his monologue stand-up routine talking about the Boston Marathon bombing and the Freedom Tower. Offensive and indelicate topics, I get it. I get what he’s about. I like what he’s about. But, couldn’t he pick something more recent? If he wanted to choose current events to rip on, it helps to choose something…current.
Most Delightful Characters
How’s He Doing?: All Players A-
So I wrote the “Least Delightful Characters” section first and now, like an angry mother turning off the wifi and taking away all the toys, I refuse to give out any good grades.
Except for this sketch. Not because it was my favorite (it wasn’t), but because for those of you not counting, we got FIVE black actors in one SNL sketch. Guys, how freakin’ great is that?! AND it was funny! That’s a far cry from where we were earlier this year. Good job, SNL! You get a thematically appropriate black-and-white cookie.
Least Delightful Characters
Vlog: Janelle & Dad D & D
This one was a little weird to watch. It’s always going to be uncomfortable when you put a daughter acting in a sexual manner in a scene with her father. At least, for me it’s always uncomfortable. You know, being a daughter and all (hi, Dad!). Yes, the writing was awkward and Rock kept looking at the cue cards for his lines, but the root of the problem was that none of the characters were playing at the top of their intelligence (COMEDY NERDS, ASSEMBLE). In a good comedy sketch, each character must be playing to the best of their character’s knowledge and not feigning ignorance because it feels like it might be funny in the moment. Spoiler alter: it isn’t.
Five years ago, I’d buy that a daughter who just went through puberty may not know her dancing is a little risqué and that her dad can’t figure out how to pause a YouTube live stream. But, if Janelle is running a vlog and her “Just –A-Friend” Teddy is getting erections, it’s safe to say she knows how to define something as sexual. Plus, with new iPhone models coming out every three seconds, the Dad is probably at least moderately technologically efficient (and enough to know how to hit “PAUSE”). So at this point, it feels like lazy writing at easy targets, and after last week’s zombie sketch taking down southern stupidity, I have zero patience.
Fighting Couple: The Couple F
“Stop acting like you’re killing yourself, don’t take that pleasure from me.”
So, I actually watched this sketch a second time to try and find what went wrong, but the only answer I could come up with was “everything." Instead, I’m going to use this space to list things I’d rather do than suffer through a third run-through of that hellish, fiery train wreck. I’d rather rip the skin off my arms and go swimming in a vat of vinegar for an hour than watch this sketch again. I’d rather burn down every chocolate factory known to man and salt all the cocoa fields on Earth than watch this sketch again. I’d rather everyone in my life start calling me “Porky Poodlecakes” and rubbing bacon grease on my face every time I tried to have an intelligent conversation than watch this sketch again. I’d rather rip my freshly painted fingernails off, superglue them to my neck and force everyone to call me The Rainbow Fish while I swim around in the Bay Ridge public fountain than watch this sketch again.
UPDATE: Apparently, this sketch was written by writers that Chris Rock brought in. Tsk, tsk, tsk. I'm even less pleased.
Weekend Update: Michael Che & Colin Jost F & F
Their jokes are so long, I could braid them together and hang myself with them. Pete Davison was the only good thing about Weekend Update, and his segment was depressingly short. Do yourself a favor and watch reruns of Seth Meyers and Stefan and pretend these two aren’t running things (into the ground).
Oh here’s one, I’d rather sit in a room and have my parents tell me that collectively, I’m their greatest disappointment and also they think I’ve been laying on the cookie dough a little too hard than watch Jost and Che’s Weekend Update writing process.
Chris Rock D
I’d rather have G-d hire Quentin Tarrantino to guest-direct my eventual death than watch this episode again.
(G-d, if you’re reading this, I am merely jesting. If you’re really looking for fun ideas, please consult like, Enya or something.)
Demerits
- There are just too many. Just. Too. Many.
Extra Credit
- The Women in the Workplace and Polite Bank Robbers sketch were both hilarious and extremely well-done, but you don't reward a puppy when it shits on your carpet. Maybe next week I'll have cooled down enough to pay these two the respect they deserve.
- “My penis should be the most important penis to [my mom] in every way except one.” -Pete Davidson