While You Were Sleeping.

“Hey, you. Eat anyone yet?”

3/20/14

Dear Pointless Vampire Diary,

It’s been two weeks since Katherine Pierce was dragged into the pits of hell, and I’m not doing so well.

Actually, no one is. Elena and Damon are infected with either a super potent RIPPAH virus, or they’re both coming down from a really gnarly drug binge, I can’t tell. Either way, they’re both acting terrible.

Stefan and Caroline are out making shady deals with those Travelers that I still don’t understand, and now they’ve teamed up with Enzo to kill Stefan’s other doppelganger, Actual Hero Stefan, and I don’t see it going well.

Bonnie and Jeremy and Matty Blue Eyes are so unnecessary I’m starting to wonder if they’ve all been dead for 6 months and everyone’s just hallucinating meaningless conversations with them.

And there’s finally a homosexual in The Greater Mystic Falls Area and he is the absolute worst.

I wish I knew how to quit everything.

Kelly

Elena Gilbert

B-

There was whining, excuse-making, and stupid choices – must mean Elena’s back.

Finally returned to her own body, Elena spends the episode locked in an empty dorm trying to put the pieces together of the shit Katherine’s been pulling for the past two weeks. But, between the psychotic nightmares and insatiable urge to eat her friends, Elena goes a little nuts, stabs Liv (the one person who can free her) and has possibly the most satisfying breakup of all time with Damon.

Elena gets a bit of a pass this week, because I’ve burned cities to the ground over hunger, so I get what she’s going through. I’m glad she acknowledged that she and Damon were not exactly winning any awards for Most Functionally Happy Couple, but I’m confused as to why it took the death of a practical stranger to push her over the edge, after the dude’s been killing/threatening to kill her brother pretty consistently over the past few years, but HEY, what do I know about true love? (Nothing. I know nothing.)

Damon Salvatore

A-

“We are in a toxic relationship, Elena. I just killed your friend and you find someone else to blame.”

After Damon used the most Damon of Damon Logic to try and get out of the dungeon, (“If you don’t let me out of here to save the girl I love, I’m going to kill her best friend.” REALLY.) I was prepared for the worst. But wouldn’t you know it, he totally redeemed himself. Who woulda thunk that Damon “Eyeballs McGee” Salvatore would ever be the voice of relationship reason?! I about had a heart attack as he finally took ownership of his own stupid actions, told Elena they were through, and then promptly nailed her. BEST. BREAKUP. EVER.

Forget Team Delena or Team Stelena or Team Single Forever – I am now firmly in the camp of Team Broken-up Bone Buddies. I’m making t-shirts.

Stefan Salvatore & Caroline Forbes

A+ & A+

In exchange for getting the cure for Elena and Damon’s shared STD, Stefan, Caroline and Enzo team up with the Travelers to do some spell that I wasn’t paying attention to, but it involves killing Stefan’s 21st century doppelganger, who is a Paramedic in Atlanta BECAUSE OF COURSE HE IS. Why not just show the guy saving a litter of three-legged puppies from a storm drain?

Anyway, Stefan and Caroline’s friendship is one of the few bright spots of this episode, and I want a spinoff where those two walking Barbie Dolls solve mysteries and have great hair. Make it happen, CW.

Liv & Luke Aryan Nation

So, turns out that newbie witch Liv isn’t so newbie, and she and her big gay brother, Luke (who has the most obnoxious manner of speaking that it makes me want to set myself on fire) have some nefarious plot against our morally-corrupt heroes. You know how I love a good nefarious plot, but these two have already gotten on my nerves, so it isn’t looking good for their grade point average. Yeah, that’s right. I make snap judgments and then use them against someone for the rest of their existence. Sue me.